Monday 31 December 2012

the inevitable post....new year resolutions

Why stop now.  I always make resolutions and never keep them, so why be different this year.
Although last December I did say I wasn't going to make resolutions but ended up making some anyway
So this year I am not going to fight the inevitable, and make my resolutions.

Resolution no 1
I am going to speak up more and tell people what I like and what I want.  I tend to shut up and let things flow even if I don't like it

Resolution no 2
I will go out with all the men that ask me.  Errrr perhaps I may not go out with all but the majority of men that ask me.

Resolution no 3
I will travel in 2013.

Resolution no 4
I will be a better manager in the office.  I have been neglecting Corporate Goddess for awhile now.  She needs to step up her game!

As resolutions go these are pretty doable as it is more inner me that needs to be resolved.  Hopefully in a years time I will be able to reflect on 2013 and say, yes I have achieved most of what I wanted!
Happy New Year all!






what happened in 2012

Reflecting on the year is always hard as I tend to concentrate on the bad things that happened to me.  lets not think about the world here, there were alot of disturbing and horrifying things happening out there and I could never do justice to what has happened in all the countries with death either by natural disasters, fanatics or a lone gunman, it all  ends the same way, devastating grief.
So  of course I was having my usual down in the dumps soul searching why me reflections,  when the twin reminded me of the good things that have happened.

1.  Son no 1 came home for my birthday and he got engaged
2.  Son no 2 is working ......... well its good that he is working right?
3.  I turned 50 and didn't die or turn into a pumpkin and life isn't over ....yet
4.  I am still employed and earning money!
5.  I still have good friends I like to hang out with and they still want to hang out with me!
6.  I have recognised and accepted that  I like to plan and control things...... yes this is a good thing, its easier to accept than fight it!
7.  I actually let my heart love someone....ok so it didn't end well but hey at least I know I am capable of loving, even if this could be one of the bad things that happened like, I got my heart broken by A not once but TWICE, but lets keep it positive here!
8.  I have my family around me and they love me too
9.  and the world didn't end

So it hasn't been that bad a year, I wish it had been better with A and all that but one cant have everything.....right?


Saturday 29 December 2012

single and desperate?

As planned, we (mum, sis, brother and respective in-laws) headed out to the Club for the usual drinks and fun for Christmas Eve.
big sis, me & mum at the 'club'
 It was pleasant and fun and good to see friends and acquaintances that one hasn't seen for a while.  Until you meet men who mother would have liked you to go out with.
Mum and the family kept introducing me to single men, they were practically  shoving men  in my direction and when my brother in law  pushed a very attractive man to dance with me, I felt like I had  hit a whole new low.
I know they mean well, I know they love me and want the best for me, I know they want me to find someone special, well so do I.  But I need to forget A first, I  need to stop thinking about him and the why why whys!
I also have to shift my thinking into recognising that I am 50 (FUCK I AM 50??!) and realise that I have to look at the older men as potentials.  I have to stop looking at the  younger 40 something's and concentrate on the silver foxes.  Perhaps its the fact that I dont believe that I am older and that's why  I tend to ignore the older men.  Hmm something to think about.......

Wednesday 26 December 2012

the (un)social experiment

Facebook has always held a special place in my heart, that special place that I shut out and hope it goes away. Secretly wanting it but secretly feeling ill just at the mention of its name,  it lurks in the background with its tiresome and useless information that you secretly feed on,  Daily banal updates of peoples lives that I really don't need to know about.

So I got used to logging on every morning before I even took a sip of coffee, to check out what people were doing.  It got to be a habit, a habit I wanted to break.  So I thought lets see if anyone misses me on facebook.  Yes I  was narcissistic enough to believe that people would actually notice I wasn't around. I deactivated my account on December 6th.

I wanted to see if anyone would actually realise they couldn't see me on their list of friends.  Would they assume I 'unfriended' them, would they ask me about it.
How social is this thing anyway?  Or is it just a site for our narcissistic tendencies to take flight.

I probably will go back to Facebook and activate my account, just to keep in touch with really good friends. Time to cull the list of acquaintances, time to keep the people I like on my list.  Who knows they may not even want to be friends with me either!

Friday 21 December 2012

tis the season to eat.....

Log cakes, cookies, Ham.  lots of goodies from our suppliers and hotel partners.  Its all deliciously sinful and for me, really hard to stay away from.
decadent raspberry chocolate ganache cake.
Gluten intolerant and nothing is gluten free, so I did indulge and am now suffering for it!!
It is harder than I thought it would be, trying to stay away from all the cakes and cookies. But seriously who could resist..........

the end of the world

So its December 21st, so far all good.
I didn't prep for the end of the world, I don't think it will end today, firstly because the Mayans lived in South America and me in Singapore so I figured I have an additional day what with different time zones and all.

Secondly I really don't believe the apocalypse is upon us.
I have always believed any religion, ancient or modern, and yes the Mayans had their own little religion, was just a belief put together to control the masses.  It was some dude somewhere putting together ideologies that put fear into the masses to make them toe the line.

But if it was the end of the world what would I do.
I would probably tell everyone I cared about, how much I loved them, how much they pissed me off and how much they changed my life.
But it isn't the end.  If there was some guarantee then perhaps I would go tell all the people what I really thought of them. But nope tactful as ever, I remain silent.

Wednesday 19 December 2012

men at 60.... would I do that?

So with me starting to accept that I am  50 years old and my demographic of men to date has to go up, I decided to make another list, this time a list of older men I would gladly do....

so here it is

Imran Khan
1.  Imran Khan -  ex Pakistani Cricket Captain, and currently in Politics

dreamboat  Sean
2.  Sean Connery - my absolute dreamboat

3.  Robert De Niro - pant pant

4.  Liam Neeson - oh yes

5.  Sam Elliott - love the laid back look

my fav zeppelin
6.  Jimmy Page - guitarist of Led Zeppelin.  My favourite Zeppelin

7.  Jeff Bridges - one cant not have the Dude on the list

8.  Al Pacino - 'tony' my Battery Operated Buddy is named after one of his characters - scarface-  tony Montana!!  Tony Montana in the movie says " Say hello to my little friend"  I thought it appropriate!

9.  Paul Newman - if he was still around

10  Ian Gillan - Deep Purple lead singer once.  what a fucking voice!

so maybe I should add the other men too the ones at 50 odd

1..George Cloony - Of course!

2.  Antonio Banderas

3.  Prince

4.  Denzel Washington

5.  Wesley Snipes

sigh, I guess I will have extremely nice dreams tonight!


Saturday 15 December 2012

10 things that make my day........

1.  The bus arrives on time, and I get a seat

2.  Skinny women that wear short shorts and have cellulite all up the back of their thighs!

3.  Gluten free food in restaurants - its like winning the lottery when you realise that they have such things!

4.  There is no laundry, or cleaning to do when I get home from work

5.  A smile and a discreet leer from a gorgeous young man

6.  Being told "when I get to be your age I want to have your figure..... actually I wish I had your figure now!"

7.  Mum calls and doesnt complain about the brother, his wife or anyone else

8.  Winning shopping vouchers at the company Christmas lunch and spending all of it in an hour

9.  Someone holding the lift/elevator doors for me, and someone saying thank you when I hold the lift/elevator doors for them.

10.  Being told that I wear a large then having the salesperson eat her words when she sees its too big!

the bar scene

So I was  in a bar last night, waiting for some friends.
You know how they always have this scene in movies where single women sit at these fancy bars and enjoy a drink on their own and there is always a gorgeous man around who wants to buy her a drink, well that never happens to me.
Day time view of fav bar... 
Anyway I sat there by myself, waiting for some friends, I was early and I ordered my own drink and watched the bar fill up slowly.
Older men, younger men, older women, younger women.  All sorts, and it depressed me.  There are alot of younger women out there also looking for someone special to fill their lives.  Here was me, older and single and my pool of single men that I could date suddenly shrank a thousand times.
The Older man, my dating pool of potential men, have the pick.  They can date any woman from 18 till god knows how old.  I watched the women, they were eager for any attention as long as it was from a living and breathing man.  If young women were going out with men  my age, where and how the hell was I going to get a date with any man!!
It sure as hell isnt in a bar.

Wednesday 12 December 2012

so the cat is old and sick

We have one pet left, Tubby and she is 16 years old. In cat years she is 80 (although one website I tried to check her age, the chart didn't go up to 16 years for a cat)
She is slowing down, she is getting more vocal (she wont stop fucking meowing in the middle of the night) and she is losing too much weight, and she is drooling a bit!
So I took her to the vet last week and the first thing the cute vet (yes I still had time to appreciate a cute male and very young vet) said after listening to all the symptoms was that perhaps Tubby may be heading towards Kidney failure!
My hear sank to the bottom of my toes.
But the vet did some blood tests and the good news is that Tubby has a overactive thyroid (hyperthyroidism).  well its only marginally good news as an overactive thyroid can mask kidney failure.  So Tubby is on 3 tablets that cant be crushed, daily.  Its a bitch to hold her and administer the tablets.  So far I count 4 scratches and claw 'holes' on my person.  and its only day 3.
evil syringe, loaded
Last night the son wasn't around to help me grab and hold Tubby down while I shoved the rather evil looking syringe down her throat, so I had to improvise.  After wrapping her up in an old towel, rendering her totally incapable of mauling me to death (ok I exaggerate but claws on skin are bloody painful!) I managed quite successfully to give her all the tablets.

As the son is off to Koh Samui for his company's holiday soon, I will be on my own to administer the tablets so thank goodness I figured out a way to hold her down with minimal damage to her and me.
sad and upset Tubby
Now if only she will stop giving me the stink eye after she is released.  I swear she is plotting something!

Tuesday 11 December 2012

the planner

I plan things.  My day, my work, my cooking, my movies, everything.
I plan my working week with what to do at work and after work, It could be a movie tonight, to a stop at the supermarket before I head home, to what I am cooking for dinner.
I plan my weekends as well.
I write down what I want to do on Saturday and on Sunday.  Most of the time the plans go askew and it doesn't bother me that I didn't achieve what I set out to do, but I have to plan.  I have to have something planned.
empty days
We have 10 days off at the end of the year, the office is closing from the 21st till the 1st of January.  I have 10 days with no focus,  and I am panicking.  I printed out a weekly calendar and have stuck it on the fridge, with little  boxes to fill in all the activities I want to do.  So far I have

1.  22nd Saturday -
-   take cat to vet for follow up visit (cat recently got diagnosed as having hyperthyroidism, that is a whole post on its own)
- hairdressers - get hair coloured
- supermarket
2.  23rd Sunday -
-Movie perhaps
- clear up files (I am decluttering)\
 - IKEA
3.  24th - Christmas eve
-  go to the 'Club' from 12 noon for the Christmas Eve drinks - this isn't a planned party, its just where we go for good company and a fun time on Christmas eve (aka lots of booze and flirting)
4.  25th - Christmas
 -  recover from hangover
-  clear files
5.  26th Wednesday
 -  no plan
6.  27th  Thursday
 -  No plan
7.  28th Friday
 - No plan

and the no plans continue till the 1st of January.

I  have alot to declutter at home but I don't want to spend all the time off I have,  decluttering.
But I cant decide what to do with all that time I have as well.  I know I will not achieve everything I have on the list, but I need that focus, if not I will procrastinate and nothing will get done.  What  I would like to do, is nothing,  just sit in my pyjamas all day watching old movies and eating chocolates, but the errands and list of must do things have caught up with me and I feel like a wanted criminal being hunted by some sheriff in a bad western.  Desperate!  sigh....... no rest for the wicked......
So I continue to plan and hopefully will be able to realistically fill in my days to cover 10 days of fruitful and responsible activities...


Monday 10 December 2012

by product of a multicultural society

I like the holiday season.  I like Christmas, I like new year, I love holidays. I fall for the commercialism that is the holidays.  Whoever sold the idea of gifts, Christmas trees, family dinner, decorating the home, was a very clever person and has converted me to the whole idea.
I am not a religious person and certainly am not even a Christian, but I love Christmas.
I always want to get a tree,but son no 2 wont let me,
the tree in the office
"mother we aren't Christians!"
So I don't get a tree but every year, where  I used to work, we would get a real tree delivered and I would decorate it, with the help of any intern in the office. It made my whole year.  Then when I changed jobs I was extremely disappointed when the new office didn't put up a tree.  Last year we did put up a tree, and this year again, I asked if we were putting up the tree, and yes I got to help decorate the tree.



Thursday 6 December 2012

missing a piece of the puzzle

I sometimes act smug and think I know it all.
I usually shoot my mouth off without thinking and then I end up with egg on my face.  I recently declared that I was complete, I had nothing more in my life I wanted.  I didn't  need a man, I was my own person etc etc.  Bull bloody shit!
Recent events have shown that I am far from complete. There is still this little bit of empty left inside me. A little bit of empty that needs to be filled up.
With A not wanting to have a relationship, I have had to evaluate my needs versus my wants.  Its not that I need a special someone, I want a special someone in my life.  I am sad that A didn't want to be that person but I know I will not be able to have a half relationship that he wants.

I miss not having anyone to share things with.  the mundane, the exciting, the painful.  When something funny or interesting happens, I don't have that automatic person I want to call and share it with.
I don't have that pair of arms to fall into  when I am sad or afraid or just want to be held.  That's the part that is missing.  I am an independent, confident woman but sometimes I don't want to be that person.  Sometimes I want someone to take charge and look after me for a bit.

I have no idea if I ever will find that person to share my life with, to be that little bit of the missing puzzle.


Saturday 1 December 2012

Men and facial hair

Men seem to be doing alot of grooming recently.
They wax and shave and never let the facial  and chest hair grow.
They want to look like shiny boys.  I don't like it.  I like  men with moustaches, men with chest hair, men that look like men.

The moustache made a bit of a comeback recently.  I think it started in Australia and New Zealand in 2004, to raise awareness for men's prostate cancer.  For one month men grow moustaches in November and they called it Movember.  Get it, Moustache, November, Movember.
anyway
This year in Singapore they started an island wide campaign for Movember as well. Our daily rag ran a story  about Movember and one of the guys said that he wasn't getting a kiss from his wife while he had his Mo.  Poor fella.  What happened to, for better or worse?

Mr NZ with his Mo
 I wonder why women don't like facial hair on men.
I like men in moustaches and beards.  I like the scraggly unkempt look, I like the feel of the moustache and yes even playing with chest hair!   I remember as a child, having Dad rub his moustache on our cheeks and we used to love it!  Hmm maybe that's why I like men with Mo's!
Would Tom Selleck be Tom Selleck without that hairy upper lip?  No. Magnum PI would have been so different.
the mouth brow, the lip Rug, the face fungus, what ever you call it, I like to see a man with fuzz on his face!

Thursday 29 November 2012

good god we had a strike!

I live on the peaceful republic island called Singapore.
Our government has learnt to be a little relaxed in its rules and regulations (commandments) but we still have a very long way to go before free speech (which is overrated they tell me) and the right to protest (again I heard its overrated) are a norm.

We in Singapore have learnt to toe the line and through the years have become totally apathetic in regards to the rules, regulations, laws and whatnot.  We just don't care anymore as we aren't heard.  We may have elected our government in,  and the only reason we have done it, is because we never had a decent enough opposition party that we thought could measure up. We thought  ' well the current government has had a good track record, theres always growth, multi national companies come to our country to invest because we are stable and the government has a tight rein on all the happenings.'
So we plod on, we don't rock the boat.  we like our cushy existence, we like that the government does everything for us including thinking.

Our country was a migrant society, built by importing people from all over ( My great grand father came here from India because the British dangled a good salary for English speaking civil servants), and so it continues to today.  Singaporeans don't want to work as waiters, waitresses, cleaners, factory hands, we want the white collar jobs, we want to sit in offices and have air-conditioning blow up our asses all day. So we have to import labour to keep the economy going, to have enough people to work the blue collar jobs to keep the rest of us lazy asses in comfort.
So we imported people from India and Bangladesh, Thailand,  Myanmar and China to build our roads and work on construction sites.  We imported maids to clean our homes and be nanny to our children, from Indonesia and the Philippines. We imported people from China and Malaysia to drive our buses.  We brought in  all these people to make sure wages were kept low, to make sure MNC's stayed as we were a cheap place to do business.  We began to see them as 'drones' not people.  We didn't talk to them, we didn't interact with them, we didn't appreciate them.
we didn't treat them very well.  we still don't.

So what happens when you  import people that don't follow the rules, you get the imported bus drivers from China going on strike about living conditions and salary.......

the times they are a changing.............



Tuesday 27 November 2012

too rude to be paid or not interesting enough

My sole intention when I started writing this blog was an outlet for all the voices in my head.  To put thought and weird rumblings on paper/computer.  That is why I chose blogger.com (and because getting a domain name then registering it and creating a website was beyond my limited knowledge)
Then slowly as people began to notice my blog (or was it just that I was shamelessly promoting myself ) I got all excited as I watched the stats go up.
So I thought yes, perhaps I could make a little extra money from this.
But no, my hopes were dashed.  My dreams of being world famous and earning a living by writing on this, my electronic head space, were cruelly snatched away from me when blogger.com's adsense rejected my blog, as their specialists don't think I meet their criteria.

My first rejection....... painful.
I did wonder what their criteria was, and If I should try to be more politically correct and write about fashion or restaurant reviews or that sort of 'normal' stuff and not use the word fuck so often. I actually thought about that for a whole fucking minute, then thought..... Fuck this.
I need to learn how to set up my own website


Monday 26 November 2012

its been a bit windy

No not the weather but me...
Singapore has a long way to go before the Gluten intolerant get to eat out like everyone else.
I have had too many dinner invitations ( oh lovely a social life....well not quite) and those invitations always will ask you about dietary restrictions. I have put down gluten intolerant but no one seems to know what to do with that information.
I recently went on a work trip and I think thats when the "its ok,  its only a couple of days of gluten" started.
During the trip, gluten free food was no where in sight and I had little choice.  I avoided most of the obvious gluten, but the hidden suckers is what got me. Soy sauce contains wheat, gluten,  and in Asian cooking, there is a motherload of soy sauce.

After that came the Festival of Lights (Diwali) an Indian festival, and some bright spark (sister no 1 and no pun intended!) thought it would be fun to get together to make the little biscuits and sweets.  And they all contain wheat.
I have been bad, eating everything.
Movie night with the girls..... hell yes,with a bucket of popcorn, wheres the gluten there?  Corn isnt supposed to have gluten but in the sugary coating there is!  So I may have to go salty and not sweet when having popcorn!
Vinegar, tomato ketchup, mustard,  all things I love but have been told to avoid as it may contain wheat, but its hard.  I do check labels and have found wheat starch on some but gluten in distilled Vinegar is still an ongoing debate.  Its hard for me, I bloat, I get gassy and its painful and uncomfortable. I cant go out drinking without wanting to nibble on things, things like meatballs or chicken wings ( breabcrumbs and soy sauce).  Unless I carry my own tupperware full of gluten free snacks, maybe that is what I should try?

So the battle to find gluten free food when eating out, wages on.  In the meantime I just have to do my best to avoid the obvious, and if it gets a bit more windy than usual...... so be it!



Sunday 25 November 2012

the taxi driver

When I started writing this blog, I knew I would eventually have to write about this Singaporean phenomenon.
Taxi drivers, a phenomenon you ask?  Maybe its a world wide phenomenon ( I have used that word, phenomenon, three times in one paragraph and I fucking cant spell it!)
But yes in Singapore they are revered, hated, always in the papers and they can either make or break your whole day.  If you want to know what's wrong with the economy or the government, just ask a Singaporean cabby.

I have had taxi drivers flirt with me, chat me up, yell at me, grumble about the government (most do this) and of course give advice.
My recent adventure was just another normal day out and the taxi driver was very pleasant and started going on about fate, life and stuff and I thought, " oh shit another weird cabby"  but he started analysing me through his rear view mirror.
"I had nice white strong teeth, was I a teacher?  When I speak, people will listen, etc and that I should wear lipstick, it makes my face vibrant"
Me:  But I had a boyfriend who didn't like me wearing lipstick
TD:  You aren't married ( he probably thought, shit middle aged and not married)
Me:  Divorced
TD: When were you born
Me:  1962
TD:  Boyfriend?
Me:  1966
TD:  Aiyah Cannot!!  younger men not good, they only want your body.  He doesn't want anything else.
Me: well that's why he is the ex boyfriend, if he ever was even a boyfriend at all
TD:  You have to find someone born in 1958 or 1959. As we get older, its about sharing that's what we want.

Bloody hell he got it right.  the bit about sharing. That was the main thing missing with A, sharing our lives.
Sigh .... do I now have to get a man's date of birth before I even consider dating him?

Probably not, good to listen to all these soothsayers, fun actually,  but do I want to live my life how someone else thinks it should be?  Good advice I am sure, but I was never any good at doing what I was told.


Friday 23 November 2012

common sense and movies

A check on Wikipedia (they know everything) shows that Singapore is not the only country in the world to place a ban on some movies being shown.
The one that surprised me was Ireland banning a couple of Monty Python movies!  Tongue in cheek and full of satire and I can see why they would,  but seriously?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre seems to be on a lot of banned lists!
One recent case of movie banning in Singapore  had alot of people up in arms.  (see article)
 http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/entertainment/view/1230340/1/.html

I am Indian, proud to be Indian but I am not afraid to laugh at myself or my race.  I know we are different, I know we all have different habits.  Every single person is defined by their race and its our  race and culture that plays a big part on how we are brought up, idiosyncrasies and all.  The locally made movie in question was banned because of some of the remarks  a character in the film made about Indians.

Our government needs to be able to balance the heavy handedness with some soft gloved approach.  Yes its volatile and having all the different races get along is a major task and so far the heavy handedness has worked.
But, isn't it time they (the government) gave us some credit?
I can understand their reluctance, to assume that everyone has that common sense gene in them.  I know for a fact that common sense isn't so common, but I would like to see some rules relaxed in our nanny state.  What would happen if the movie was shown, there would be the humourless, sour people who cant laugh at themselves, get all upset about the movie and how Indians are depicted.  But I bet these same people would be the ones talking about other races in a not so nice way.
Would the screening of this movie incite race riots in Singapore? No I don't think so.  After all we were just voted  the most emotionless people in the world! http://www.todayonline.com/Singapore/EDC121123-0000060/Emotions-not-taking-over.  We aren't really emotionless, just apathetic.

Anyway...
There was a petition going around, which I signed, to allow the movie to be screened.  One can hope that the powers that be will listen and allow us to judge for ourselves if any race or feelings were  hurt during the making of the film!

Wednesday 21 November 2012

the engagement

Son no 1 got engaged last week.
He is going to get married and be a husband.
My baby will be someone's husband

and even more exciting and interesting..... I will be a mother in law!
Holy crap!


Monday 19 November 2012

the new TV

3D LED 46 inches smart TV
Its bloody marvellous, well it would be if I knew how to operate it....

Son no 2 and I went shopping recently for a new TV and we got one that had all the new fangled gadgetry.
You could surf the internet, play youtube on it, stick your thumbdrive in it and watch movies that you download, watch everything in high definition and in 3D.
We even got 2 free pairs of 3D glasses with it!
Now all I need to do is learn how to use all the functions.

 I can switch it on, I know how to switch to the different cable operators ( Singapore is probably the only country where the consumer is the loser with 2 cable operators with 2 different set  boxes, so you have to switch channels on the TV to get different cable stations), and I know how to switch to the DVD channel.  Thats about it, oh wait I do know how to turn the volume up and down!
So its a situation where the smart TV is as smart as the user.....and in my case that would be a not so smart TV.   I am, like many people my age (oh god I am using my age as an excuse), with a phobia about all things high tech.  I refuse to give up my old Nokia phone because I dont want a smartphone (same problem of smartphone vs smart person) but how long can I remain ignorant.
So its lesson time and Son no 2 has promised to walk me through the whole process of going online on the TV and even how to load the movies off the thumbdrive etc etc

So my new 46 inches of glorious wall mounted visually stimulating gadgetry will be my new best friend as I learn which buttons to push and wait for all the delights that it brings. I am already dizzy in anticipation  of watching my music and other documentaries on that 46 inch HD screen,  imagine Jimmy Page and Jack Black (shit I meant Jack White!!)  in High Definition!  So many visual possibilities!!
I wonder if there is 3D porn?


5 ways to get a date when you're 50


  1. Ask your children if any of their friends parents are divorced.
  2. Hang out at the senior centre
  3. Walk past coffee shops (in Singapore coffee shops are not the trendy places to be, but rather the cheap neighbourhood places) in tight dresses to attract the old men that hang out there
  4. Join a senior dating site
  5. Check the obituaries for Widowers
Is that my reality now?  I see older attractive men dating/with women 10 years younger.  I have talked about this before, the ageism in dating.  If older men are dating women 10 years younger, do I need to look at 60 year old's to date now.
I have been out with a couple of them that were 60.
One happened very recently.  He was fussy and boring but with nice manners.  That's the nicest thing I have to say about him. Yes manners matter but so do common interests.  I would hope that the person I meet/date would have at least the same interests as me. Movies, I like watching movies, this last date said he fell asleep during movies, liked boring elevator music (Kenny G and Michael Bolton!!) and only watched Golf on TV!  I felt myself dying inside when he rattled off his interests.  A picture flashed in my mind, of us sitting in front of the TV watching Golf with dinner trays on our knees, boring, staid, old!  The other end of the spectrum is the 60 year old that over does it.  Super fit, tanned and trying to keep up with a younger woman, trying too hard!
The younger man, well not so much younger, about 5 years give or take close to my age - there are some out there that do want to date women around the same age as them. They are harder to find.  Or maybe I am looking in all the wrong places.  If I hung out at places that held my interest, the next man I date would be a motorcycle riding, leather wearing, Tattooed, blues/rock musician with a philosophical outlook on life,  someone that looked like the character Sam Elliot played in the Big Lebowski (the Stranger)  A little messy, a little un-kept.  A little weird 

Where on earth am I going to find  a man like that in sterile Singapore!


Saturday 17 November 2012

another saturday at the supermarket

the weekly shopping ritual of getting all the stuff I need to cook and feed myself and the son

its the usual throng of people pushing, shoving, glaring, grabbing and with kids running around in the aisles and old people strolling through aisles like its a museum visit to enjoy the exhibits.
They annoy me, the make me want to be rude to old people and children, and I don't usually do that but on a Saturday, in a crowded supermarket, I want to hurt someone.

To top it off today I witnessed the art of checkout line hogging.  How does one do that.
One makes sure one goes to the market with 3 people minimum.  Once shopping is done and basket/trolley is full, you pick 3 lines and wait.  You wait and see which of you get to the cashier first then you drag that heavy trolley or basket and hightail it to the cashier.
And to make it all worse, I forgot to buy chocolates, sugar that is required to keep me happy !



Wednesday 14 November 2012

a few days to wallow and indulge in self pity

I am stressed.  I am taking on too much and I can feel myself heading towards total collapse.  I know the symptoms, its happened before.  I put myself in a position where I take on way too much and then cant handle it, I don't ask for help, I think I can do it all, I think that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
It started with my sisters visit. It was nice seeing her but there was tension between her, my brother and his wife.  There is a lot of history between those siblings of mine but I asked my brother to be nice to her.  When the drama started I felt like I had invited it as I asked her to come visit mum.  Totally stupid I know. I also don't like conflict and I wish everyone would just get along!
Then I try to be the perfect mother.  I cook, run around to make sure the son has nutritious meals and do his laundry.  I put myself in the position where I feel guilty if I don't have good meals all ready and waiting for him.  I feel guilty if I don't do the laundry as poor boy is working so hard, I should do his laundry so he can relax.  I forget that I too need to relax.  I run all the errands, do all the grocery shopping, do all the nitty gritty bits and don't ask him for help.
And now with all the drama with A, I am feeling worn out.  I need a day or two or three to do nothing. No errands, no cooking, just to stay home in pajamas, eat chocolate and crisps, watch chick flicks and read and not pick up the phone and have to listen to Mum go on and on.  To  hide beneath the covers and declare war on all errands, responsibility and work!

Tuesday 13 November 2012

does it say sucker on my forehead?

Last night after work I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up dental floss and a couple of other bits.   As usual when in a store that stacks bottles and rows of cheap nail polish and make up, I go glassy eyed and browse through all the stuff I will never use.
This time I did have a purpose, I needed a new eye brow pencil and pink everyday wear lipstick.
I got caught though, by one of those girls that lurk at these counters, waiting for any unsuspecting clueless women to come by and they pounce

helpful miss:  " Hi miss, can I help you"

Me:  Err no just browsing

HM:  You Looking for Lipstick? "  smart girl noticed me testing lipstick colours

I warn you now,  it didn't end well, I ended up buying a palette of pink lipsticks in a small tray, that were too glossy and I am sure in the conversation with the helpful miss, I mentioned matte several times!
She also noticed the eyebrow pencil clutched in my paws and went on to show me her range of pencils - I ended up getting two of those.  Then she started on my dark circles under the eyes, and as we were now bosom buddies, she thought she could mention how dark they were and did I use concealer?  (those that know me, know I don't use any make up except for moisturiser, eye pencil and lipstick, that ends the range of my makeup skills too)
I must have been in a damn good mood as I let her show me how to apply concealer and I even bought a bloody tube.
I thanked her and was about to turn away, when she managed to wrestle my purchases from me and she led me to her 'other' counter to look at the new eye cream range.  I let her give me the full spiel but politely refused any more products ( see I can say no...)  but then she started on something totally different

HM:  Miss how about this product, Its very good you know, its for washing"
Me:  Washing?  Washing what?
HM:  You know washing for women, your private parts
Me:  Washing what!!?
I was by how horrified, how the hell did we go from eye creams to vaginal washes?  Did she detect odour??
I think I sniffed the air just to see if there was any!
 Me:  Er no thanks I don't use this
HM:  its very good you know, must try, I have plenty customers who buy and they say its very good, I also use this!
Wonderful we are comparing notes on feminine hygiene now!
Me:  Er no really but no thanks, I got to go now
HM:  Ok next time then, you come buy and must try this, its really good.

I took another big sniff to just to confirm that I smelt nothing and left.... quickly before she tried to sell me anything else!

Monday 12 November 2012

sisters & brothers

The last time my sisters and I were together was 15 years ago. All four of us in the same place at the same time. It doesnt happen often as they all moved away and lived overseas so having them all here at the same time is pretty special.
In order of birth - left to right,Sis 1,me, sis3, only brother, twin  missing




Saturday 10 November 2012

shame on me

"fool me once and shame on you, fool me twice and shame on me"
So I got fooled again,  played for a fool, fooled to the bloody max.

With A messaging me in August about trying to see how we could compromise, I thought lets see, I didn't realise that he wanted me to do all the compromising.
I actually thought that he was up for the challenge and wanted to see how we could BOTH compromise,
 I thought I was sensible, I thought I wasn't naive, I thought lets give him the benefit of the doubt.  Lets go back and bloody shag the man.
Yes I deserve the new name "fool"
Yes I deserved to be laughed at, cos I am an idiot of the highest order.
To top if off, the icing on the fucking cake with a cherry on top,  he tells me "he respects me, he does not belittle me or look down on me at all.  he values what we had and my friendship,  he respects my wishes and is truly sorry that it ended like this."

Its trite, its patronising as it was him that got in contact to see how we could compromise and now he tells me that he  cant commit.  I was the fool to assume that he was willing to compromise.
I have been compromising, I thought I could do the arrangement like he wanted, until I realised that it wasnt enough.  Is it fair for me to expect him to compromise now?
 Time to walk away from him totally and not cling to memories of him and how he makes me feel when I am in his arms. Time to find a man who does want to be with me,  without me having to bargain for what I want.  I am tired of bargaining, tired of not having a more normal relationship where my man is willing to spend time with me doing normal stuff, to meet my family and friends.  I am tired of being the fool.




“Love? Sodding, bloody, tossing, bloody, sodding, bloody love? Irrelevant, superfluous, bloody, ruddy, rotten, sodding love? What ho? Wherefore? What the fuck? Love?” 
― Christopher MooreFool

Friday 9 November 2012

online shopping virgin deflowered

I am just like every other woman, I love to shop.
I love walking through shops and stores to see the new and enticing displays of things I dont need but want.
My favourite is of course any shop that has knick knacks and interesting things for the home or kitchen.  I can browse for hours looking at  new bakeware, cooking utensils, teapots, bathroom accessories, anything with candles.  I can browse for hours!

 I still like walking through a store and touching things and feeling each item.  Clothes and shoes are something I need to try on before I buy.  So the whole online thing hasnt really got me that excited.  However, I recently had my first foray into the world of online shopping.  I bought 2 dresses.
They haven't arrived yet, which is another mark against online shopping for me, as it has been 4 weeks since I made the order, and I still haven't received my purchases.  I wait expectantly for my purchases to arrive, I track the bloody parcel on the website, I cant wait to touch and feel the dresses and of course to try them on to see if they fit.  The waiting is what is killing the whole experience.
 I like to bask in the afterglow of a shopping trip.  You get home all tired and happy, then make a cup of tea and sift through the bags, going through all your purchases, trying on the clothes again just in case. It just makes the whole experience.
 So perhaps online shopping is not for me, perhaps I should confine myself to the real experience of shopping in the real world.....

And what do I do, I go online again but this time buy books.............


Thursday 8 November 2012

corporate social responsibility

Its becoming part and parcel of everyday life.  CSR.  Corporate Social responsibility.  On this trip, we are doing our bit as well.
Before we went on our CSR portion of this trip, we of course had been treated like VIP's, to the extent of having a choir singing goodbye to us when we left one resort for the next to having lunch at this fabulous Tepanyaki restaurant  with the best meat, scallops and prawns. Then after that,what do they do, they take us out to a workshop where we were supposed to help the blind varnish the baskets that they had weaved.
I was still stuffed from lunch and going there to see how the other half lives, saddened me.  It was a good lesson for me. I sat on the day bed in the room looking out at this view (see pic on the right) thinking that I had alot to be grateful for and I had better stop whining.

Time to stop being an ungrateful bitch and learn to appreciate what is.

Sunday 4 November 2012

river rafting..... me??

One part of the job I do like is that I get to visit places and stay in 5 star hotels way beyond my holiday budget will allow. This time I got to go to Kota Kinabalu and the whole 4 days are hosted by the hotel and the Sabah Tourism.  Its awesome.  they spoil you, take you around and I get to see a city that they want to showcase and attract meetings and seminars.
So far so good until we went rafting on the river.
I don't swim, didn't learn as a child and haven't bothered to learn it as an adult either, so off we went and I was determined to do this.
7 of us in a dingy, 2 of them were the river masters, more like fucking river comedians, as they thought capsizing the fucking dingy was hilarious.  Well they weren't laughing when they saw the other dingy hit me in the head and I went under.
If there was a class on how to drown, I would pass with flying colours.  During the safety briefing and the what to do should we capsize, I paid attention, close attention, but when it happened, I didn't retain a single coherent thought, I went under very quickly even with a life jacket on, then you stop panicking and actually remember what the river masters (comedians) told you and you think it will be ok, until the other fucking dingy hits you and drags you under it!!
So for a novice on the water, it was not  the best introduction one could have on the river, but it sure as hell was alot of fun!

UPDATE:  you know how 'they' tell you that you can drown in a few inches of  water, well I realised after the fact that I could in some bizarre accidental way, have drowned that day. Post accident realisation !!

Friday 2 November 2012

always late for work

I am finding it increasingly difficult to get out of the house on time every morning.
I am invariably late for work, 4 days out of 5!
That is just not me.  I am up early, usually by 6.30 am every morning and my travel time to work is 30 mins door to door, but I am still late! I procrastinate.  I sit and read the papers and have my coffee and waste time.  I read the blogs I follow, then have to pack my lunch and clean up the place a bit. It takes me a couple of hours to get going and out of the house.
And that's on a good day, and I barely make it to work on time!

What happens when I have a wardrobe meltdown, which happens quite often now as I cant seem to find anything to wear as my dresses don't fit anymore (although A says I should forget dresses and stick to jeans and tshirts as I look nice in jeans but  I cant wear jeans to lunches and cocktails!).  Anyway where was I, ah yes,  what happens when I have a wardrobe meltdown, I am very late for work!
So each morning it is a battle with the wardrobe to see what fits and if I actually want to wear that outfit, and lets not forget accessories and shoes!
Its getting ridiculous. I never used to be this way. I used to have one pair of shoes, one black skirt, one grey skirt, one black pair of corduroy jeans and a few tshirts and shirts.   It was easy getting dressed in the morning as the choice was limited.  But now I seem to have become a typical woman with too many clothes and shoes, and when faced with so many choices, I get indecisive.

Its an on going battle and while work is getting a little more challenging (its just not as boring) I still am not motivated to get my arse in gear and get to work on time!  Maybe I should quit and go live in some remote place where I can grow my own veg and raise a couple of chickens and get out of this fucking materialistic, narcissistic, me first world and I wont have to worry if my clothes and shoes look good enough for cocktails and lunches!  Now there's a thought!!


Tuesday 30 October 2012

too old for love?

Is there an age limit, is there a use by date?
Are we supposed to sit quietly in a corner in our rocking chairs, once we reach a certain age?  Do we forget all our dreams just because we are older?
Do we ever get too old to fall in love, to want to have that special someone?

I am now 50, is it time to stop looking for that person who will look at me with love and adoration in his eyes. Do I settle, do I compromise on what  I want. Do I allow a man to tell me that he cannot commit and I just have to take what I can now and damn the consequences.

Its confusing, this whole thing about relationships,attempts at a relationship.  I don't know what to do anymore.

If you have followed my blog, you would know that I did attempt to have a relationship (I was and still am afraid of relationships) with the Frontier and we decided in May that it would not work so we went our separate ways.  Sometime in August he messaged me to ask if there was nothing we could/should do. If there was any way forward or some sort of compromise where we both get something. I am unsure about this as my wants haven't changed.  I still want him, I still really like this man, I still want a commitment.  Yes Yes I know, we don't always get what we want but for a relationship shouldn't we try our best to get what we want?

 Am I being too insistent about what a relationship is all about or am I right in asking him for commitment.  I do want some sort of commitment.  It is not marriage, its not moving in together. It is us being together in our way, being committed to each other but maintain our own lives as well.  Is it too much to ask of him, to meet my friends and family, to want him to be a part of my life?

So he has to think about what he wants, whether he can commit to be with me, to share my life and I share his.  Am I delusional in thinking that our type of relationship is possible? He doesn't think it is.  He wants boundaries, he wants things to be defined.  I don't work well within boundaries.  I don't want things defined. I know I will become bitter and a bitch if we go back to our arrangement as I know I am settling.

Its stalemate.  For now.

Thursday 25 October 2012

been a bit busy lately

Its been a few hectic weeks and life has been a whirl of activity.
Which is good
I had my birthday, had son no 1 come visit and now my sister from the UK is down.  Its been good family bonding time.
Work has been busy too which is good, as I was getting bored at work with no challenges.
So far all smooth sailing, with the usual bumps along the road, but they were little bumps that happen when families do get together!  after all life isn't fun if there was no drama in it.

Now if only I can get the other half of my life on track.
The part where I have this man that wants to be mine.

Monday 15 October 2012

smart phones?

There is this Facebook page (Facebook is useful for something) that is called Fuck Sensitivity and it posts lots of silly pictures, jokes and is generally  politically incorrect. Which is why I like it.
They posted this recently.  I would very much like to do this the next time I go out for dinner with friends or should I ever date again (one horror date was texting his ex-wife through out our date, and while I sympathise that they had an issue with their 30 something daughter,it still wasn't nice!)
 I think I would like to see how people react if I asked them to do this. To put away the phone and concentrate on the people that are there.
Too many of us are joined at the hip to our devices. Smart Phones and those pesky tablets. We cant let go of the need to be continually connected.  I wonder why.
Do we feel we will miss out if we don't constantly update Facebook  or  reply to every message  that we get  immediately?   Are we really that important that we are required to be contactable 24/7?

I do my best to never reply or answer the phone when I am out with friends or on a date.  I turn my phone to silent and only check my phone when I am in the loo or on my way home.  I figure that if I  have been asked to partake in a meal with friends I should give them my full attention. I have of course, on seeing people take out their phones, do the exact same, and check my messages.
 Time to stop.  Time to put away those phones and learn how to connect with friends the old fashioned way, face to face.

Sunday 14 October 2012

wonder woman is tired

my wonder woman key chain
Its been a hectic weekend
Saturday was a visit to the dentist in the morning then to go check out some Indian outfits (spent some money buying tops and cloth for 2 Punjabi suits) then on to the supermarket to pick up meat to cook on Sunday, then home where I baked a gluten free carrot cake ( turned out brilliant by the way, what else would you expect from wonder woman!!)
then in the evening went with mum to the 'Club' as she wanted to go as it was the 'Clubs' 160th Anniversary.
Put me within sniffing distance of alcohol and you know what will happen, yes I had a wee bit too many gin and tonics but this morning I had to get up early as I needed to cook enough to last me 4 days as come Monday, I will be on site for an event for 3 days..  They got me to agree to help them with this event solely due to the ego boosting " we need someone mature ( no that wasn't it) well mannered and pretty (that was it) who wore pearls and a black dress."
So going on site meant that as I was still trying my best to be gluten free, I had to cook my own meals and pack my breakfast and lunch each day.
The MotoGP was on today early as they are in Japan and that meant that I would be watching the races, while peeling onions and vegetables.
And to top it all off My lovely Lena, (who cleans for me each Sunday) called me at 11am saying she couldn't make it today.
Which meant I had to cook beef curry, chicken curry, 2 veg, rice, and my brown rice, then laundry (2 loads)
and vacuum the sofa and chairs, the floor, the bedroom and sweep the kitchen, run the mop everywhere and wash the bathrooms.  So yes wonder woman is exhausted today.

Thursday 11 October 2012

when the phone rings at midnight and its the son....

Right, I dont know about everyone else but when my mobile rings at midnight and I see its the son calling, I tend to panic.  Heres what happened last night( this morning)

Mobile rings, Its 11 minutes past midnight, I check and see it is son no 2!!

Me :  Hello??
Son:  Mum hey sorry to wake you but could you open the door, I cant find my house keys
Me:  yeah yeah ok.

I stumble out of my room, cursing him but thankful it isnt a dire emergency and open the door for for him.

Me:  what happened to your keys
son:  Dont know I must have left it at the Squash centre
Me:  Idiot
Son:  Where is the spare key?
Me, peering in the dark at my key tray :  Er here, oh shit I gave it to Lina (the lovely Lina comes to clean my place)
Trust me, at midnight my sleepy brain isnt working so well and it didnt click that I had to have a key to leave the flat.
Son:  Can i get your keys, I have to go out again
Me:  Huh! now!  then how am i going to work?  and wont you need the keys when you go to work?
Son:  er yah er so you wake me up before you leave
Me, looking at him and wishing he wasnt so big so that I could smack him once on his bloody bottom:  Wake you up?  Will you wake up so early to lock the bloody door, as you are probably going to be out all night!

I gave him my bunch of keys,  then as he started to take out the single key for our front door, out of my bunch of keys,  he said
Son:  shit hang on I think I put my keys in the other pocket in my bag!!

and sure enough there they were!

Me:  Dickhead!

Wednesday 10 October 2012

race

I am Indian, born and raised in Singapore, a tiny island nation in South East Asia.
I am a minority in my own country

Racism in Singapore exists.  We refer to each other by race and usually not in a very nice way.  We take stereotypes at face value and identify each race by those very same stereotypes.  This post isn't about my rant on how I have been treated in my own country, as frankly that pales in comparison to what has happened in Africa,  Europe and Asia and yes the USA.  In countries where they maim and kill someone just because he/she belongs to a different race.  Lets not get into the topic of religion either and how that has disrupted lives just because of a difference of how one worships.

Singapore leaders try hard to inculcate feelings of tolerance amongst the races, they have to, as we are a melting pot of cultures and left unchecked or not monitored could lead to  potentially explosive situations
We have the potential to create those explosive situations.
We rant and rave online (its safe to direct vitriol while hiding behind ones computers) on how the other races behave.  We direct abuse at people we don't know or care to know, just because they are different.  Its become too easy now to go online and direct hate at how one race conducts their wedding celebrations or how another race cooks food that smells different. 

We should be proud of who we are, race is an integral part of our culture and where we come from but it doesn't give us the right to feel superior to another race.  It doesn't give us the right to criticise another race.  I am no saint, i have done it a hundred times, criticise a person based on his/her race, but I stop and think everytime i do it.  Am I becoming just like the people who have directed hate at me because of race?  I dont want to be that person, I want to be better than that as I know what it feels like to be the subject of derision just because I am different.

Maybe this will be my new year resolution.  Practice tolerance towards one and all.

this post is in relation to the recent remarks one woman put on her facebook page.  Her remarks proved her to be bigoted and stupid enough to post it on facebook and not expect any backlash.
 

Monday 8 October 2012

why do i do this to myself

drink till I am pissed and pass out
I did wonder this morning how I made it back home and how did I manage to change into my pj's and feed the cat before falling into bed.  Oh and yes I did hug the toilet bowl for a bit before I flopped unladylike into bed only to have the horrible feeling of having the whole world spinning when you close your eyes, and like you are on a boat in very stormy seas.

Well brunch yesterday was fabulous, even if I did get annoyed at some friends that didn't turn up but well they had to work and I should stop being a bloody diva and get over it.

As buffets go, its one of the best we have here for Champagne brunch and the price reflects that!  There also is alot of food, and dessert and of course the draw was the free flow of champagne.  So we did the 12.30pm till 3pm of guzzling down as much Champagne as possible while trying to eat all the lovely Sashimi, foie gras and scallops and what ever else we could scoff down.
If I was smart, which I have never professed to be, I would have gone home straight after that and not have egged on a couple of others to go have another drink in town.  Which we did and which is why at 8pm I was stumbling home dead drunk and passed out on the bed by 9pm, and why today in the office I felt like I had died and my body didn't want to believe it so it just went through the motions of living.  And lets not forget about the hot flushes. The alcohol doesn't care that I take supplements to stave off the hot flushes, it seems to be thumbing its nose at me as if to say 'supplements, I spit on your supplements'  cue evil laugh here.

All I can say to myself is serves me bloody well right

Sunday 7 October 2012

damn it if you are invited, you dont say no on the day itself

so the girls got together to arrange a get together for my 50th, champagne brunch on a Sunday afternoon.
this morning I got a few texts from some of them saying they couldn't make it

Now I understand that life takes precedent over frivolous activities like brunch to celebrate a friends birthday..... and I have been guilty of this myself and you know what.... it sucks.
To know that your friends think that a get together to celebrate your birthday is not important.
Makes you think

I apologise to all my friends that I have done this to, there aren't that many but there are times when I have thought that I couldn't face a crowd or face another kids birthday party on my own.  But you know what, today I realised that its not about me, its about the person who thought you were important enough to warrant an invitation.

Am off to celebrate with friends who think I am worth the effort.
UPDATE - two of them made it in the end and two others were stuck in the office since Saturday.  All forgiven!

Saturday 6 October 2012

what a difference a day makes

actually it doesnt.  I was 49 on Wednesday and on Thursday I turned 50.
Did the world stop turning?  Did I suddenly look older?  Did I suddenly think any differently?  NO
Its just a bloody number, but why do we celebrate milestone birthdays?
I did mine a bit different
I took my family out for dinner to one of my favourite French restaurants then on to a dodgy pub to listen to some blues and on Saturday, we went for brunch.  We shared a meal as a family, which is what I like to do.  Tomorrow I will share another meal with good friends.  End of celebrations.

It has been nice to receive presents like flowers and cupcakes (I did eat some even though I am supposed to avoid gluten!!) but I have never been one to make a fuss about birthdays and presents.  Its just another day to me.  The only special thing I do on my birthday is to take a day off work.
me & my babies
Son no 1 made a special trip to come home for my birthday and that has been the best part, having both my babies with me to celebrate the fact that I am still  alive after half a century
Do I feel wiser?  Maybe not wiser, just more sensible, but then I always was sensible and practical.  I have realised that we have one life to lead and no one is responsible for our happiness except ourselves.  I am happy with who I am, I am complete.




Tuesday 25 September 2012

are your boobs smaller??

Not something one wants to hear...
But.....
I got asked that twice recently.  Not by men, but by two women that I work with.
What were they doing staring at my boobs!.

With the recent no gluten change in my daily diet, I have lost weight.  It is a lifestyle change and I will continue this as much as I can.
I dont want to lose too much weight, cos as one ages, being too skinny just makes one look more lined and old.  Sarah Jessica Parker comes to mind.  too skinny!!

I wish we could control where we lose the weight and not have it fall off my lovely girls. Its not just men that are obsessed by boobs.  Women are too.  We look at other women and we like to guess if the bra is padded, push up, the boobs natural or fake.  and if the boobs turn out to be fake, or in a padded to the max bra, we get all smug and feel better that someone else has smaller boobs than we do!
Not me though, seriously.  I do admire a nice rack, I do comment on them, but I dont feel inadequate about my girls.  I always had the best boobs in the house.  So I didnt know or care about how big my boobs were, until now.  I got used to having nice boobs.

So the idea is not to lose too much weight and hope to god if I do lose more weight they wont fall off my boobs!

Monday 24 September 2012

to dye or not to dye

I turn 50 in a few days
I only recently, say about 2 years or so ago,  started adding chemicals to my hair to keep the grey away.  I never really bothered about it until it started to become really noticeable.  I dislike fussing with my hair and doing anything about it, but looking at the grey, it was becoming apparrant that something had to be done.
The grey was aging me!  But I was getting older, try as hard as you want, you cant reverse it, even with cosmetic surgery.  The question I have to ask myself is, Do I really want to pass off as someone ten years younger or do I want to look my real age?
 
One part of me wants to leave the grey alone, another part of me keeps looking in the mirror and is horrified at the abundance of grey.  When I was much younger and had a full head of jet black hair, I used to say that I would never dye my hair, that is when I also realised 'never say never'.  So I have let vanity rule my head, in more ways than one!! I have succumbed and become one of the millions of women who cannot believe that they are getting older.  

We all love to be able to look younger, to have someone remark that we dont look our age.  It gives us a little boost to our fragile egos that we still look good and have people admire us, even if is in a backhanded compliment like ' you look good for your age'.  I like watching the surprise in peoples faces when they realise how old I really am. I dont advertise my age but you can see the mental calculations going on in their heads when I get asked and tell them how old my children are.

So in a way maybe I should keep adding chemicals to my head ( I sure hope they , the chemicals,   dont seep into my brain and turn me into some zombie in a few years .... oh wait how cool would that be!)  anyway.....
So the answer to the question of to dye or not, is, Yes.  The dyeing will continue.  Now to think about how to deal with white pubes!!

Friday 21 September 2012

convent schools and lesbians

Recently I had a conversation with a colleague in the pantry. One of those water cooler conversations.
This conversation was about her little girl starting school soon and how it was getting very competitive amongst parents trying to get their kids into good schools.
In the area where she lives there is a pretty good convent school and I asked why she wasnt considering that school

She didnt want her daughter to go to an all girls convent school as she thought thats where Girls become lesbians.
How interesting.  Do we tend to be attracted to the same sex if we go to a single sex school?
 Is there a higher percentage of women becoming lesbians if they attended a single sex school?  I wonder if anyone has done a study on this?
I went to a convent school and yes there were alot of girls having crushes on each other and even starting to explore with each other.  I do know that going to an all girls school made me shy and totally unable to interact with boys and later on men as well but I didnt have the girl crushes. I was too busy looking at the boys from the nearby all boys school.  Would boys then tend to be gay if they went to an all boys school, or is this only applicable to girls? 

But its an interesting thought,  about the connection between convent schools and lesbians.



Tuesday 18 September 2012

forbidden fruit

There have been a few cases in the papers recently about women teachers having it on with their teenage students.  Boys or young men about 15 years old or so.  As a mother of two young men, I got all high and mighty and appalled at these women.  How dare they seduce these innocent young men (yes and as a mother of two young men I did realise that 15 year old boys/men were not so innocent)  But it still made me think that it was not right.  After all, sex with an underage girl gets men into jail!

It hit home recently for me.....

MM - he doesnt look that young
Those that know me, know that I love motorsports and this weekend past, the MotoGP was on.  I marvel at those young men controlling those big mean machines,  and when I say young men, I really mean young.  One of them, he actually won the race for the Moto2 category, Mark Marquez is all of 19.  Yes you read right, 19!!



MM in middle, yes he is that young!
I have never  lusted after young men, and I am horrified each time a young man flirts with me but this time I watched with fascination at this lovely young man on the podium fresh from his victory looking so excited, happy and glowing.  He stood there on the podium licking his lips , alot, it was quite mesmerising.  Then I felt horrible, and I mean really horrible that this young man could invoke feelings of lust in me!!  It wasn't that I wanted to jump this young man, far from it.  But watching him made me realise that no matter how old we get, the sight of a beautiful young person does do things to ones libido!

I sincerely hope that I am not turning into some lustful old woman trying to hump every young man that crosses her path.  Its horrible just thinking about it!!

Friday 14 September 2012

my true self

There does come a point where I wonder if I am sharing too much on this blog.  But then that was the whole reason I started this writing thing.  Too many voices in the head.  Too many thoughts that needed an outlet for processing.

I haven't told everyone I know about my blog, I haven't advertised it on facebook, or put a link on facebook either. I have my uncles and aunts on facebook  and I doubt they would want to read about my sex life (or lack of it).  and we all know how I feel about facebook too!
 I wanted this blog to be an honest outlet for my emotions, my life and for it to be a good representation of who I am.  But I hesitate to talk about my depression, the suicidal thoughts.  Yes, there have been really dark days for me, days when I stand at my kitchen window and wonder what it would feel like if I stepped off the ledge.  Living on the 13th storey of an apartment building does have its interesting moments!
I haven't been open about my love life recently as its been a roller coaster this past few months.  Right now its getting confusing and I dont know what to do. 

Sharing is new to me, I have always been this extremely private person and have bottled everything up, writing this is like my very own therapy free of charge. Putting pen to paper, or in this case, pounding away at the keyboard,  does make me feel better.
So will I be true to myself and open up about everything..... Warts and all.  hmmm.....

Thursday 13 September 2012

Paris will have to wait

I planned to go to Europe this autumn and I was looking forward to visiting Rome, Florence, Naples and Paris.  Then to be realistic we (my cousin and I ) shortened it to just Paris and the UK (the UK as we have a sister and a brother each that live there).
But now we aren't going anywhere.

I am disappointed as I have been planning this from the beginning of this year but I guess this is where I have to suck it up and think of someone else before me.
My cousin hasn't had a very good year, she has had to deal with the pain of selling a home she loved and see her marriage come to an end. She bought a new place and with all that has been happening, a trip to Paris and the UK wasn't going to do her pockets or her peace of mind, any good.

So Paris and Rome and Florence will just have to wait ..........

Tuesday 11 September 2012

my friend murphy

He loves me methinks
cos what can go wrong generally does for me

I came home last night around 10.15pm after having a birthday dinner at Mum's (mum turned 75 yesterday) and the lock on my front door seemed a bit odd.  Luckily son no 2 was home to let me in.  But when he locked the door, it jammed.  It does do that sometimes so I thought by morning it might be ok.   But as I had an early morning crew call, I thought I had better let the project team know that I may have a problem getting out of my home.
And of course I did.  I was up at 5.30am to get ready for our early morning crew call and I couldnt open the door.  It was jammed. Fucking lock just wouldnt open (note to self, when something jams like that the night before, it generally will be the same in the bloody morning!).  I was trapped in my own home.  Which does beg the question, why didnt they make a back door or fire exit in these government built flats for the majority of the citizens.  Do flats/apartments have a back door to escape?
Anyway
Google, being the best friend that he/she is,  threw up a few 24 hour locksmiths that I could call.  They lie, they arent 24hrs, they dont answer their fucking phones!
the unhinged lock!
The first one I got (finally) said he could only come at 11am.  The next one didnt understand what I was saying and the third (yes i didnt miss the third time lucky reference) said ok will be there at 8am.  He finally arrived at 9.30am. knocking on my door and asking for me to slide the front door key to him through the tiny gap under the door.  So he managed to open it and it took him all of 15 minutes to change the lock and make my pockets lighter by $100.  I did try to put on the 'pity me I am a little ol woman' look and ask for a discount.  But he wasnt having any of it.

Its been a terrible start to the week, with Monday, well it was just that, a Monday, and of course today.  One can just hope Murphy will take his laws and piss off somewhere else where he isnt wanted and just stay away from me!

Tuesday 4 September 2012

airline food, a holiday and detox

I started my detox 3 weeks ago and it just so happened to coincide with my sudden decision to fly to Perth for a bit of a break.  I had to see this detox through to determine what was making me bloated, gassy and very uncomfortable.

Well suffice to say detox and holidays are a bad mix.  I had a long list of things I couldn't eat or drink.  No coffee, no alcohol, no sugars, no fruit, no gluten, no dairy, no tomatoes, no avocados, no mushrooms, no preservatives, the list was endless.  Here I was in the land of fresh fruit, wine and dairy and I couldn't indulge in any of it. It was a very very hard thing to do.  I managed to stay off gluten  (98% of the time), fruit and some dairy but the rest was too hard.  Especially walking past those sinfully luscious gelatos.
What I hadnt realised was that I also had to restrict my food on the flight to Perth, a gluten and dairy free meal is what I opted for.  I was a little excited about that as I was going to be one of those people that always got their food first.  Well..... it wasnt anything to get excited about.....but I did learn one thing, that rice crackers are probably the one thing I will not be adding to my interesting repertoire of gluten free snacks.

On the whole the holiday was a good break even if I had to be creative with food.  Australia is a good destination if you are looking at options for the gluten intolerant.  They even had gluten free bread in the supermarkets.  (no we dont get it in Singapore!!)  I usually bring back loads of chocolates and cheese from my holidays in Australia but this time I didn't.  I came back with red and black Quinoa, olive oil, herbal teas, variations of brown rice and fresh nuts and dried fruit.  A lifestyle change indeed!

I am still going to try to stay off certain foods, like gluten and reintroduce slowly all those that I had to forgo during detox to see what else contributes to my rather embarrassing gassy state. It is getting better and I feel better too ( look better too if the admiring glances from all those foreign workers is anything to go by!)
A new me is emerging, healthier and better informed about what I put into my mouth (hmm well yes what I put into my mouth isnt always something I swallow but thats another post altogether!! )

Thursday 23 August 2012

laundry


text from son no 2, this morning

son :    Are u in Perth?
Me:    No still here, at work
Son:    When you going?
Me:     Tomorrow night, flight at 11.30pm
Son:    Ah okay
Me:    Why, Whats up?
Son:    Just wondering.  How long you gonna be gone for?
Me:    A week, back next Friday.  No strippers at home please.
Son:    I'm more worried about laundry

Monday 20 August 2012

cheap flights

I love a bargain.  Getting a good bargain makes one feel a little smug, like I managed to beat the system in some small way.
I was feeling restless last week so I trawled through the papers and chanced upon an ad for flights to Australia going cheap.
So I bought a ticket and am going to Perth to see my sister this coming Friday.
I guess being single and with an adult (by age not mental capacity) son, I can just up and leave for holiday when I feel like it.  Quite liberating.
so come Friday night I will be on a flight to Perth for a week.
Yes still on detox so that will make for an interesting holiday!

Thursday 16 August 2012

making babies in singapore

Singaporeans are a sad lot.  We need campaigns to make us wash our hands, not to litter, and  be courteous to each other.  We also have things like Kindness week!
Recently our Ministers have been preaching about our low birth rate.  Some bright spark at mentos decided to make a music video celebrating our National day with a song about national duty.
Its funny, its tongue in cheek and it got everyone talking.
it also got mentioned in one of the blogs I follow - http://cowardlyfeminist.com/?p=4392

Its all about Singaporeans having sex, or the lack of it, and procreating.  We are a multi cultural society, so we have Indians, Malays, Chinese and one other classification for 'Others', and it seems that the Malays top the procreating stats, then the Indians and lastly the Chinese.  A letter was published in our papers yesterday from a Chinese man asking what did Malay husbands know that Chinese husbands didn't?  He wants to know how the Malay men get their women to have babies.  I feel sorry for that poor man, god knows what he has to deal with at home.
Mr NZ has a friend who dated a Chinese girl and she wouldn't have sex that often with the man.  When he did ask her for sex she retorted "If you want to have sex more often, you should have dated a Malay girl!!"
I am not going to justify any stereotypes here, but....

I think we need a campaign to have more sex.
any ideas??