life, menopause and liberty

so what exactly is menopause?  

It's actually broken down into 3 stages, peri menopause, menopause then post menopause.

so why didn't I know this... why didn't our mothers and grandmothers talk to us about this as they would have talked about sex or marriage.. Thing is I never got the talk, and I think its was because they never got the talk either.

Anyway, lets start with Peri Menopause

its when your body starts to tell itself that you are reaching an age when your sole purpose is not to have children.  It started for me with my eye sight, then mood swings and for me, a sex drive that reached levels of me thinking WTF was wrong with me, I wanted lots of sex.

my periods stopped when I had a hysterectomy in 2005, I was 43. The doctors took out my uterus and cervix but I still had those pesky ovaries to ensure I eased into and not hurtle into menopause.  

What came next was full blown Menopause, the change.... I have no idea when I drifted into the hell hole that is menopause. All I know is I spent 10 years trying to find my way out of that fog.

My mood swings were spectacular.  I was like a bird with one wing flying erratically into the wind, with one eye closed.  There were days I thought I was mentally unfit to lead a normal life.  I had no clue why my behaviour was like that of an aggressive drunk looking for a fight or that of a scared child crying at the first thing that came round the corner.  Add that to an urge to fuck everything in sight even though you seem to have a vagina that resembled the sahara.  then there were the hot flashes, sudden heating up of the body, which either made you sweat profusely or felt like you would burst into flames.  It was not a pretty sight.

I never went on HRT, but I did try herbal supplements which did help... for awhile.  

Then suddenly the hot flashes/flushes stopped, the mood swings seem a thing of the past and you realise that you have floated down to post menopause. 

The joys of post menopause include:

your gums recede, your teeth look bigger, your feet grow, or in my case  only one damn foot grew bigger..  your nose and ears keep growing too.  The shape of your body changes.  you find your usual round and plump thighs and ass shrinks as you lose muscle.  You lose hair, you lose the lustre of your shiny locks.  you are no longer required to attract a mate so your body decides to alter itself to suit that purpose.

my feet, right 1cm bigger

You cease to be an object of desire, your sole purpose is no longer to breed, your status changes.  You are ignored, you are no longer a valuable asset to anyone.  I am feeling depressed just writing this! you spend your time at doctor appointments because you are now part of the demographic that will get diabetes, high cholesterol, depressed and whatever ailments that come with aging.

But there is a good side to this.... when you get older, you start not giving a fuck what anyone thinks. I know not all women will reach this mental superiority, for some it will take time.  some will never catch up.  Some wont have that chance, But it is liberating.  you dress to impress no one,  you wear comfortable shoes because your feet hurt and they need the love and care for carrying you around for decades.  

You still have desires, you still want sex but with lots of lube, and sex with no thought of getting pregnant.  Or you just prefer cuddles and a warm blanket... You arent responsible for the kids anymore, if they are still living with you, throw them out.  Learn to forgive yourself for not always being there for everyone, stop feeling guilty for wanting your own life. Learn to say no! Your partner may not want to travel the world, go with friends.  Do the things you want to do. Yoga/pilates/anything, go learn things, just go and do what you want cos no one can stop you unless you let them.  Now I have to take my own advice...

I just wonder whether knowing all this would have made me treasure my younger days or would I have just thought that perhaps I would be different... But I think women's health issues and the changes we go through are not taught to women, or girls.  We just got the period talk in school and that was it.                

I suggest a new program for all girls.                                                           

There should be a series of talks for each decade as we age.  It starts with puberty talk, periods, sex, masturbation, enjoying your body and not feeling ashamed that you want an orgasm, protecting yourself, saying no and getting the NO across to your partner/lover/date.  pregnancy and the changes it brings to your body, know that there will be days when you look at your kids and wonder why you had them, educating your sons on women, educating the men in your life, time out for your partner, time out for yourself, taking care of yourself, your kids are not the be all and end all, working outside and inside the home, that Sheryl Sanberg is a dick and leaning in is for rich people, you cant have it all, getting older, menopause, liberty and the end....

Maybe I'll write a book about all that one day....

 

new chapters

On Friday Jan 22nd I left the office for the last time.

After a few months of mental and verbal abuse directed at me, it escalated that morning into a vicious vitriol exchanged between the finance manager and myself.  It ended with me being forced to resign.

I am upset with the way I behaved, to allow him to lead me down this path of verbal attacks to the jugular.  To be forced to make a decision on my future while being bullied, yelled at and attacked.

I will not repeat what was said but it has been playing on a constant loop in my mind.  Its taken me 2 and a half  months to be able to write about it.  yet I still don't understand it, I don't understand the why of it. I don't understand the how of it.  How did it get to the point where this man hated me so much?

I know that not everyone will like me, I get that, but this was pure hate, vicious and frightening.  

From what was said in one of the earlier altercations with him back in November, he never wanted me at the office, but his wife, the owner and MD of the company did and she did not consult him on my hire in 2018. She made the decision to hire me to 'fix and control' the finance dept. on her own.  Did his hate start there? Her brief to me when I started was to organise the dept and eventually have him ease out of the business.

Suffice to say he wasn't on board with that.  Has it  been brewing for 2 and a half years?  I believe the MD, who I have known for more than 15 years, way before she knew her husband, .. had the best of intentions when she hired me.  I believe that her husband the finance manager saw me as a threat. 

 In 2019  his behaviour and the mental torture I went through each time I had to consult or work with him on things contributed to my mental anguish which led me to being put on anti depressants.  I hated going to work because I knew how difficult it was to get things done with him.  The smallest of changes I implemented in the office would end up in a shouting match between him and his wife the MD.  It was hard to see this smart vivacious, ambitious woman who at 30 had opened her own company,  be treated this way by someone who was supposed to be her husband and partner in life.

I guess one should never work for a friend, especially when husbands or partners are involved.  I will never know the why of what happened.   What I do know is that this has shaken me to the core.  I know I should not dwell on the things he said to me, the attack on me as a person, my commitment to my work, my character and my abilities. He brought me down to his level and that has made me feel even worse.  That I could not stay professional, that I could not shut out the noise.  That I reacted. That I may have lost a friend.

But I will move on, there will be a new chapter..