Sunday, 3 November 2019

joys of living alone part 1

I am afraid of living alone.....

Not for the obvious reasons but because when I am alone i have no one watching what  I eat..
or rather I feel ashamed enough not to be a pig when I know someone else lives with me and knows what  I am eating.

Now that I am alone, I can eat what ever I want and no one can call me out on it.. which sort of is like if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around does it make a sound... 
If I eat 3 bowls of ice cream for dinner and no one sees me, did i really eat it??

But my tummy knows what I did.  When I sit on the toilet groaning, I know what I did

I am a stress eater.  I eat when I am sad and stressed and crave  the warmth and comfort that food gives me and I am a person of extremes, black or white never grey and that is exactly how I eat.. either I am so good and disciplined and on the opposite end I eat like there is no tomorrow.

at my age ( I turned 57 recently... What!! 57! bloody hell) I need to be more aware of what I put in my mouth as eating like a teenager just doesn't quite cut it when one is a rapidly aging hippie wannabe...

so while my adventure of living alone commences, I must remember that I now have to take care of myself

Wednesday, 30 October 2019

I am a slow learner

I  finally am rid of A.  That was a long time coming. 

I have written about A for so long, always saying finally its done, then going back to him. My last post on ending it was September 2018... and yes I went back to him...
But I think I need to kick myself a few times in the head just to make sure I dont go back to the sorry situation I was in.

It has been a vicious cycle of anger, pain, joy, euphoria and then pain and tears all over again.  I made compromises because he ticked boxes in me I liked, I hid behind his not wanting a relationship so I didn’t have to go out and make an effort to find someone who actually did. 
Its been 10 years of on and off (mostly off he says) and I chased a few good men away because A would tell me he maybe one day would want a relationship, usually when he realized I was serious about letting him go to find someone more emotionally available.  

So I ended up just hanging around A,  hoping and wishing and as Jack Johnson says in his song Sitting, waiting, wishing… loving somebody don’t make them love you…..
No I cant always be waiting, waiting on you

I cant always be playing, playing your fool

I am tired and fed up and  I am sure anyone who has read my blog is also tired and fed up of listening to me go on about A.  They must be thinking what is wrong with this woman, is she really that clueless....

I need to move on, its time for me to learn to be open, let someone in, go back on Tinder, be more social.. sitting at home isn’t going to let me meet anyone..

I need to learn to flirt again.  Learn to love again.

The future is me

Son no 2 finally moved out.

He got married at the end of August and him and the lovely wife bought a flat, which needed some work done before they could move in.
He officially moved out (when his bed moved out) 2 weeks ago but his room is still half full of his things.  I am reluctant to nag him about getting all the stuff out as he is working full time, and most weekends too and is trying to his new place together so I don’t want to add extra pressure… but its driving me crazy.

My place is now full of black bags of old clothes, bags of old CD’s, books and that’s just what my living room looks like.  His old room is still full of more of his old clothes, furniture and I don’t know what else.
My home is in a bit of turmoil and so is my head and heart.

I miss him, even with his mess but I am also feeling free…. Like its all my time (lets ignore my mother for now).  I have my space, my time and I can actually walk around in my underwear and no one is going to pop out of a room and get scared silly at that sight!
I can even cook for myself all of my favourite vegetables and all the things he didn’t like. 

It is a bit lonely though and I am sad but its been ages since I did anything for me first and I am slowly relaxing into making me a priority.  I think I like that.
The future is about me now.

Wednesday, 15 May 2019

writing to keep sane

I know I have been rather quiet and not writing.  Its been a strange time for me and I guess I am not prepared to talk about whats happening in my head at the moment.

That however does not mean there aren’t a million things racing through my brain

And one thing that has been pissing me off lately is titles/salutations/labels

Mr vs Miss, Ms Mrs Madam

Why do men have 1 label and women have so many.

In Singapore women do not need to change their names once they are married, we do not need to add the Mrs,  but what people do is change the salutation from Miss to madam… On all official documents we are addressed as MDM.

The men remain as Mr, whether married, divorced, widowded, single, just Mr.  They have it for their whole life.  While women are made to reflect on their status throughout their whole lives.  We cease being Miss when we marry.  We become Mrs so and so or Madam so and so.  When we divorce, in Singapore because we don’t change our names to reflect our married names, we just retain the madam so and so.  I like the MS, or mizz or whatever..

My daughter in law in Canada has a double barrel name now with her surname and my sons.  Which I like.  I am glad she kept her surname, it keeps her identity as hers and hers alone.  My sons and I do not share a surname as I never took on their fathers name, and I feel disconnected from them in a way.  I wish they had a double barrelled name too but then my daughter in laws would have a triple barrelled name.......

Now do you understand why I write this blog. My mind works at fever pitch all about nothing important and getting these nonsensical thoughts out, is a blessing.