Thursday, 1 November 2018

who am I

So I recently got 3 books to read, not fiction, but 2 are like psycho analytical books on figuring things out about oneself.

There is a lot going on in my mind and I need to learn to move on and discover how my past is inhibiting my present.
I wouldn’t call it a self help book, its more of a what the fuck did I do to become like this, or as some would like to call them  “self awareness books”

The book explores how our childhood defines who we are as adults.  Its heavy going but there have been a few ah ha moments already…
Its helping me see things about addiction and depression.   I am a sugar addict.  If there is a chocolate in the fridge, it has to be eaten.. no such thing as leaving it for tomorrow nonsense. Its not a joke anymore, especially when I can go through a whole bar of chocolate in one sitting.

All of my siblings have an addiction, alcohol or some other substance.  My father was an alcoholic.  Its only my mother that doesn’t have an addiction, so I wanted to explore if addiction was nature or nurture.
Seems there is only so much we can blame our genes for and everything on how we were brought up.

Depression has been in the news quite a bit lately and I know I suffer some depression.   It has made me think that its only the menopause but I know deep down that I have always had this darker side where I withdraw from everyone, hence the fact that I cant have a relationship...

So lets see if the book will give me some insight and clues on why I am the way I am..

Sunday, 21 October 2018

the lies we tell

We lie to each other, to strangers and to ourselves.

Little white lies, big honking lies, lies to get away  with not doing things, lies to save ourselves.

What would happen if we stopped.  can we actually get through a day without lying

I tell lies, little white lies, lies to save myself but I steer clear of big honking lies as I am  not good at lying.  I realised very early on that I was not good at lying.  I got caught out as lies usually have to be stretched and one lie begets another..
its exhausting.. so I just stick to white lies and little lies that are of no consequence.

But what about the lies we tell ourselves.
Lies we tell about what we do to others, to justify what we do.

I lied to myself about Tinder, I deleted my account as I know I am not ready to date or to meet someone new.  I lied to myself about my family. its hugely complicated and maybe one day I will write about my family and the games we play.

I am going to challenge myself to not tell lies, white lies or lies to make myself look better.
It will be difficult, I will falter but then I am only human and never perfect.

But at least I will be able to look myself in the mirror and like what I see.

Saturday, 13 October 2018

liberating the girls

Its been a busy week

we had 3 events in a week and we are a small office which means all hands on deck.  while I complain I am too old to go onsite and run with the youngsters, I enjoyed it.  Its adrenaline pumping.

I also have been in a lot of pain this week.  I have a massive boil on my back.  Its right where the bra hook sits.  I had it cut and squeezed 5 years ago and its been ever present on my back since then.  It was tiny, but the last few weeks I could feel it growing with a vengeance. I went to see the doctor on Wednesday, to beg him to cut it out, but he didn't.  It was too hard to cut and squeeze..
He put me on  2 types of antibiotics for 5 days and I have to go see him again in the coming week.   It is the size of a plum.

For the first time in years,  today I  was out and about without a bra on.  I am in so much agony when the bra hook sits on it that I could not do it for another day. I had to walk slowly as there would have been too much jiggle.  But at least the pain was manageable.

So it will be a liberated me, walking around braless till i get that damn thing cut and I have healed.

Tuesday, 2 October 2018

anyone know a good psychiatrist

so I tend to bottle things up then after a few days of stewing in my own misery and juices, I explode and say the wrong things at the wrong time.


I don't nag, I keep it in because I don't want to piss anyone off.  
so it gets bottled up, shaken a bit a few times,  the gas builds up and like a bottle of coca cola that's been shaken too hard,  it just spills out everywhere.

I had a birthday on Thursday, and to me its just another day.  It wasn't a particular good day, I spent 4 hours at the hospital having my eyes tested and told I had glaucoma in the right eye.  an irreversible eye disease that could be because my eyes have always had a very high degree of shortsightedness (myopia)and exasperated by the fact I have been on inhaled corticosteroids  for a while ( my asthma inhaler). they give u a test to check your peripheral vision and obviously I failed that one especially in the right eye.

so the week hasn't been too good.  When son no 2 asked to take me out for dinner on Sunday for my birthday I said no, not necessary as I usually don't like the fuss.  the way he put it though was that his girlfriend wanted to take me out... first mistake

Then on Saturday, just as I emerged from washing the bathroom the young couple use, which included picking up all the hair that they leave after a shower, doorbell rings and someone delivers flowers.... no, not for me, but he got flowers for his girlfriend.  

So picture this, me sweaty after doing their cleaning, bunch of flowers in his hand with him mumbling about haha not getting me flowers...and giving it to the girlfriend, them kissy on the sofa, and me, doing the washing cleaning, ironing everything for him..... well I got upset.  I did not as usual say anything,.........I let it fester..
I know he offered to take me out for dinner... or rather his girlfriend wanted to, but come on.. you don't give the girl flowers in front of me, when there was nothing for me not even a hug for my birthday.

so on Sunday night, I did have a go at him, and everything came out including the fact that he hasn't contributed to the household expenses in 5 months.... knowing full well that I was now earning much less than before and I had told him things will be difficult.
which of course leads him to believe its all about the money

We haven't spoken, and today I apologised for letting it build up and erupting... and no he did not apologise, he has no idea what he did wrong.
While I need to apologise for erupting, I am still upset that I am taken for granted.. but then its entirely my fault that I get taken for granted in the first place.. I do everything for him and he usually says " well I don't ask you to" yet I feel guilty for not doing it.

this isn't going to end well....

Saturday, 22 September 2018

does true love exist

why do we remain friends with an ex, because we hope someday that the ex will realise what a mistake it was to let us go and want to be with us again..

well thats what I have been doing.

 with A with P

holding onto to something hoping one day something will happen
it doesnt.
the reasons we split up are still there and they dont go away, they dont miraculously resolve themselves.  All it does is to hinder moving on.  I have not been able to move on from A and from P.
Hoping one of them would suddenly realise I was the one that got away.

It stopped me from wanting to meet new people, to date again and to pick up and start making a new life for myself.

Its been really hard facing up to the truth of firstly how I felt about those 2 men, then the fact that I had to sever all ties and stop pretending that we could be friends.

I hated hearing about how P was off in Europe without me, living his life (he says he isnt happy but he made the decision to not make a go of it with me) The thing with P was that I adored him, he was like my best friend, someone I trusted and wanted to be with,  in the beginning I pulled away and said lets just be friends.  
P then very quickly found another girlfriend and I did feel  that he was just into me as a friend as he found someone else so quickly.  Then when he split with the new girlfriend, we started hanging out more.  that was when I really started to fall for him, but he left for Monaco...

So I figured I didnt have anyone, might as well just go get what I could from A..
Just sex and nothing more... but I was with A, on and off  from 2009, and it was hard to get him out of my system.. I made excuses to have him in my bed just one more time..

A is a different kettle of fish though, he just wasnt into me and I wasted so many years not listening to my instincts and thinking if only.. He did take advantage of how I felt about him to get what he wanted.  He was callous, dismissive and brutal, and I let him do that to me.
My instinct was always to get as far away from A as possible, but he knew what buttons to push to bring me back to him.  

I have written about A so many times, how I say no more and swear that I will never go back.. I delete his number and when he texts a few months later, I am like a woman dying of thirst,  given that first drop of cool water..

I want to move on.  for my sanity I have to move on.  I want a partner in life, I want that person that I wake up with every morning.  I know relationships are hard and i am naive that I think that 2 people with baggage and hang ups can actually try and work things out.  I believe in happy ever after and true love

Its just that I dont seem to be able to find it..

Friday, 21 September 2018

leaving the nest

So son no 2 has found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I am elated.
And sad.

Just like with son no 1, my baby leaving the nest and staring his journey into adulthood is bittersweet. Yes I know, at 33 he has been an adult for some time.
is that what parents are supposed to do..

As an Asian parent we keep our little babies with us till they marry, and if they marry late, we could have babies in their 40’s still at home..

Parents know that their babies have to go forth and prosper, we know that we only have the initial 20 years or so to mould and guide them to become decent human beings.  I have had more time with my boys and while parenting is never over till the parent drops dead, the babies still are on their own once they leave home.

Which brings me to the point of all my ramblings.
I know they have to leave and make a life with someone who will be their best friend and partner for life.. its what all parents want but it leaves a gaping hole inside our hearts.  It does make it easier knowing they have found wonderful women to share their lives with.

I will miss son no 2 when he leaves but I am excited to see him as a husband and to see which path I choose once I am alone again.

Maybe that’s what prompted my second attempt with tinder..