Friday, 27 August 2021
Thursday, 19 August 2021
Is it time for me to go seek a new life here or is it just a transit stop.
Am I am ready to find a man and settle down? Find a partner, lover, companion for the next phase of my life. its just the dating part and finding someone that I am tired of.
In Singapore I was 'seeing' A again but not as in a relationship as that is not what he wanted and I went along as I thought why not, I was going to go to Canada for a bit so I thought I would just enjoy his company while I was in Singapore. When I got to Canada I asked him again if he thought he could have a relationship as that was what I wanted... and I give him his due, he is as consistent as ever in that no, he didnt want that.
I do feel sad of course, that I keep picking the men who do not see me as a life partner. Is it too late for me? How does one date in Canada when one doesnt drive...
Do I want to even start dating again? so many bloody questions in my head. I think for now I will just take it easy, relax and see where the next few months go and keep my eyes open for all the men around...
Tuesday, 17 August 2021
July passed in a blur of packing, fixing up some stuff in the home for the tenant, fighting with online sellers as the light I ordered online turned up broken, trying to return the light and having to go buy a new one, then having the online shopping company make gaffes on picking up the light i needed to return... it was a comedy of errors with added stress.
But I got there in the end
It took quite a bit of time, way more time than I anticipated to pack up my life, because that is what I have done. I have lived in that flat for 24+ years. It was the first home I purchased after my divorce and I have spent the last 24+ years paying for it, fixing it up, decorating it, living in it and making it a safe haven for me and my boys. So it was hard packing it all up to hand it over to a bunch of strangers to live in.
I cant describe the feeling, the day the moving guys came to collect my 35 boxes, and my furniture for storage. I was watching 24+ years of my life move to a 96 sqft space. to be locked away for a period of time while I decide where and what my next chapter will be. Bittersweet.. scary... exciting... all rolled into one.
Then it was organising myself for my flight to Canada. To get the PCR test, praying I was negative, to get my paperwork in order as Canada was not allowing tourists but as my son lived there and had his PR card, I could go in with paperwork to prove that relationship.
The flights were not full full but full enough to panic a little in case someone had covid....The transfer in Tokyo was quick and painless but again worrying about Covid and keeping hands washed and sanitised and mask on.
Once in Vancouver, the added stress on whether I would have to quarantine as it was not a forgone conclusion even if I was fully vaccinated, that I was going to have to spend 14 days in quarantine. I had to book accommodation on my own to show I had a quarantine plan, which was 3 days at a Vancouver Airport Hotel and 11 days on my own in a place where I would be self sufficient without coming into contact with anyone. I was very lucky that I didnt have to spend 14 days in quarantine but the hotel wont refund the full amount (still waiting for the refund to come in) and neither did I get the full amount back from Airbnb for the 11 day stay. so that stung a little but all in all happy that I escaped having to spend 2 weeks in quarantine. The Canadian government has said from September 7th tourists will be allowed in and fully vaccinated travelers wont have to quarantine... I wish they had been clearer for my travel..
Canada will be an interesting experiment. I dont drive and that will hamper my activities and I would hate to have to depend on my daughter in law to drive me everywhere. thats just not fair on the poor girl, as I am sure I will curtail her freedom and her life.
I wonder if I can just stay with my son and daughter in law, without giving up my own life as I have given up my own space... will I like it here....am I ready to retire? Am I ready to be put out to pasture because it does feel like that is what I am doing..
Monday, 21 June 2021
Friday, 23 April 2021
so what exactly is menopause?
It's actually broken down into 3 stages, peri menopause, menopause then post menopause.
so why didn't I know this... why didn't our mothers and grandmothers talk to us about this as they would have talked about sex or marriage.. Thing is I never got the talk, and I think its was because they never got the talk either.
Anyway, lets start with Peri Menopause
its when your body starts to tell itself that you are reaching an age when your sole purpose is not to have children. It started for me with my eye sight, then mood swings and for me, a sex drive that reached levels of me thinking WTF was wrong with me, I wanted lots of sex.
my periods stopped when I had a hysterectomy in 2005, I was 43. The doctors took out my uterus and cervix but I still had those pesky ovaries to ensure I eased into and not hurtle into menopause.
What came next was full blown Menopause, the change.... I have no idea when I drifted into the hell hole that is menopause. All I know is I spent 10 years trying to find my way out of that fog.
My mood swings were spectacular. I was like a bird with one wing flying erratically into the wind, with one eye closed. There were days I thought I was mentally unfit to lead a normal life. I had no clue why my behaviour was like that of an aggressive drunk looking for a fight or that of a scared child crying at the first thing that came round the corner. Add that to an urge to fuck everything in sight even though you seem to have a vagina that resembled the sahara. then there were the hot flashes, sudden heating up of the body, which either made you sweat profusely or felt like you would burst into flames. It was not a pretty sight.
I never went on HRT, but I did try herbal supplements which did help... for awhile.
Then suddenly the hot flashes/flushes stopped, the mood swings seem a thing of the past and you realise that you have floated down to post menopause.
The joys of post menopause include:
your gums recede, your teeth look bigger, your feet grow, or in my case only one damn foot grew bigger.. your nose and ears keep growing too. The shape of your body changes. you find your usual round and plump thighs and ass shrinks as you lose muscle. You lose hair, you lose the lustre of your shiny locks. you are no longer required to attract a mate so your body decides to alter itself to suit that purpose.
|my feet, right 1cm bigger|
You cease to be an object of desire, your sole purpose is no longer to breed, your status changes. You are ignored, you are no longer a valuable asset to anyone. I am feeling depressed just writing this! you spend your time at doctor appointments because you are now part of the demographic that will get diabetes, high cholesterol, depressed and whatever ailments that come with aging.
But there is a good side to this.... when you get older, you start not giving a fuck what anyone thinks. I know not all women will reach this mental superiority, for some it will take time. some will never catch up. Some wont have that chance, But it is liberating. you dress to impress no one, you wear comfortable shoes because your feet hurt and they need the love and care for carrying you around for decades.
You still have desires, you still want sex but with lots of lube, and sex with no thought of getting pregnant. Or you just prefer cuddles and a warm blanket... You arent responsible for the kids anymore, if they are still living with you, throw them out. Learn to forgive yourself for not always being there for everyone, stop feeling guilty for wanting your own life. Learn to say no! Your partner may not want to travel the world, go with friends. Do the things you want to do. Yoga/pilates/anything, go learn things, just go and do what you want cos no one can stop you unless you let them. Now I have to take my own advice...
I just wonder whether knowing all this would have made me treasure my younger days or would I have just thought that perhaps I would be different... But I think women's health issues and the changes we go through are not taught to women, or girls. We just got the period talk in school and that was it.
I suggest a new program for all girls.
There should be a series of talks for each decade as we age. It starts with puberty talk, periods, sex, masturbation, enjoying your body and not feeling ashamed that you want an orgasm, protecting yourself, saying no and getting the NO across to your partner/lover/date. pregnancy and the changes it brings to your body, know that there will be days when you look at your kids and wonder why you had them, educating your sons on women, educating the men in your life, time out for your partner, time out for yourself, taking care of yourself, your kids are not the be all and end all, working outside and inside the home, that Sheryl Sanberg is a dick and leaning in is for rich people, you cant have it all, getting older, menopause, liberty and the end....
Maybe I'll write a book about all that one day....
Friday, 16 April 2021
On Friday Jan 22nd I left the office for the last time.
After a few months of mental and verbal abuse directed at me, it escalated that morning into a vicious vitriol exchanged between the finance manager and myself. It ended with me being forced to resign.
I am upset with the way I behaved, to allow him to lead me down this path of verbal attacks to the jugular. To be forced to make a decision on my future while being bullied, yelled at and attacked.
I will not repeat what was said but it has been playing on a constant loop in my mind. Its taken me 2 and a half months to be able to write about it. yet I still don't understand it, I don't understand the why of it. I don't understand the how of it. How did it get to the point where this man hated me so much?
I know that not everyone will like me, I get that, but this was pure hate, vicious and frightening.
From what was said in one of the earlier altercations with him back in November, he never wanted me at the office, but his wife, the owner and MD of the company did and she did not consult him on my hire in 2018. She made the decision to hire me to 'fix and control' the finance dept. on her own. Did his hate start there? Her brief to me when I started was to organise the dept and eventually have him ease out of the business.
Suffice to say he wasn't on board with that. Has it been brewing for 2 and a half years? I believe the MD, who I have known for more than 15 years, way before she knew her husband, .. had the best of intentions when she hired me. I believe that her husband the finance manager saw me as a threat.
In 2019 his behaviour and the mental torture I went through each time I had to consult or work with him on things contributed to my mental anguish which led me to being put on anti depressants. I hated going to work because I knew how difficult it was to get things done with him. The smallest of changes I implemented in the office would end up in a shouting match between him and his wife the MD. It was hard to see this smart vivacious, ambitious woman who at 30 had opened her own company, be treated this way by someone who was supposed to be her husband and partner in life.
I guess one should never work for a friend, especially when husbands or partners are involved. I will never know the why of what happened. What I do know is that this has shaken me to the core. I know I should not dwell on the things he said to me, the attack on me as a person, my commitment to my work, my character and my abilities. He brought me down to his level and that has made me feel even worse. That I could not stay professional, that I could not shut out the noise. That I reacted. That I may have lost a friend.
But I will move on, there will be a new chapter..
Monday, 28 December 2020
Go for a walk
Take deep breaths
Well meaning words from family when I talk of my anxiety levels. For someone who hasn't experienced an anxiety attack, words come easy, but it's far from easy.
I have been suffering from anxiety attacks, hopelessness, thoughts of suicide for sometime now, and took the step to seek help more than a year ago, all pre covid.
I was told I was depressed... no shit! Medication helped numb me, I was comfortably numb for a year and a bit which frightened me even more. With no money to spare, I had to seek help within our subsidised healthcare system which while adequate isn't up to par where mental health is concerned. It's always a different doctor you speak with, they keep banging on about mindfulness and pushing pills. Their only concern is that you don't try to kill yourself on their watch. I weaned myself off the anti depressants by March 2020 and then we went into lockdown.
The lockdown was actually the best thing that happened to me. It meant that we all worked from home and I could avoid the office and the manager that thought shouting, screaming and slamming files on the tables was an effective way to communicate. His bullying tactics of throwing tantrums when he didn't get his way took its toll. I started losing faith in my own abilities and felt like control of my own life was slipping through my fingers. the constant reminder of getting older and that I was not worth paying what I thought I was worth or to be able to take control of the job that I was hired to do, made me feel really worthless. It didnt help that my last job made me feel just as worthless.
Going back to the office now has been hard, the bullying has escalated. Instead of being able to relax at home, which has always been my sanctuary, I allowed myself to say yes when an Uncle and Aunt asked to stay for a bit with me ( as I have a spare bedroom)
I wasn't told how long they intended to stay, so when they said 3 - 4 months on the day they arrived, I was a bit shell shocked.
I am not a social person, the constant talking, the invasion of my space has kept me up at night and its only day 4. The disruption of my set routine has sent me down a spiral. They want me to cook for them, easier they said....no it isn't! I have said no but they aren't listening. or maybe I have not clearly communicated my NO
I wanted to do the right thing for them, to let them share my space but I have been alone too long and the constant pressure to be present with them is slowly and surely giving me anxiety attacks. The noise in my head has increased two fold.
So I have to come clean which is making me even more anxious and ask them to find alternative accommodation, it will put a strain on relationships but I have to do this, for my own mental health.
I wonder how in hell did I end up here, descending into this abyss of fear and anxiety.... Oh wait, it's because I didn't say no.
There comes a time in life when you have to make a decision.
I find myself at a junction, turn one way and change my life forever
Turn the other way and things remain the same.
Thursday, 8 October 2020
Its hard to be grateful when you think the world is conspiring against you. 2020 has been shit for lots I am sure.
But I have things to be grateful for. I am still employed and with work coming back gradually, I am back at work with no cuts to my salary in October.
I have a roof over my head, I have savings which I managed to add to, even with pay cuts and tightening of the belt.
Yes I have had a shit September with having my 4 wisdom teeth out and complications with one side and managed to get the dreaded dry socket and gum infection which I still have and am on the same steroids as Trump is on, Dexamethasone, which does make one a bit crazy..
But I also had insurance to cover 80% of the dental costs so that's a silver lining.
She has spent the better half of her years caring for everyone else yet she is bubbly, caring, sweet, still has her faith in God and ready to face the world and her lot. She is such an inspiration to me. Telling her about my shit marriage was peanuts compared to what she has been through. We all have options, she could have walked away from her husband years ago but she knew her sons needed him around. She chose to stay and take on the caregiving again.
So I will try to stop moaning about my life because I have got it good, I will be grateful for small and big. Because looking at my life, I am grateful.
Tuesday, 28 April 2020
I can spend all day there, looking at all the cookware, bakeware, accessories everything they have in that Aladdin's cave of kitchen treasures.
I have missed my wandering around a store, so I got online to get my fix of staring and lusting after Kitchen ware. It gave me an idea for a blog piece...this head of mine needed a release as well..
Why not do a review of all the gadgets and accessories we never thought we needed!
A Yolk Catcher... $28 for something to catch a yolk. I guess if you had no cooking experience and didnt know how to break eggs, this would be useful.. No really I can see the use...... well not really..
a chopper for fruit and vegetables... what ever happened to a knife and and a chopping board. whisk insert whisks cream and salad dressings... No you still dont need this. Just no.
another little bit of fluff to put in the back of the cupboard after using it once.
Use your damn food processor like everyone else..
shopping reviews done....
I wonder if the store will find these reviews helpful for their customers.....
Wednesday, 8 April 2020
Tuesday, 7 April 2020
|thats me.. with my silver streaks|
from today only essential services are allowed to be open. markets, supermarkets, hairdressers, barbers, banks, petrol stations, restaurants and food centres for delivery only.
and in Singapore we also have the Qing Ming festival, which is a chinese festival -one I am not too sure about so I wont comment on that but this is what Wiki says - The Qing Ming Festival
I do know that this festival has joss paper burning as one part of it and even with this 'shutdown' Singapore is experiencing, this festival is still ongoing and people are doing their burning in designated areas in housing estates.
This morning i heard a commotion outside my kitchen window, i live 13 floors up in the air but I still heard this man shouting. He didnt seem very happy, he seemed to be with his family, burning Joss paper. He also was tossing paper boxes into the fire.
My chiropractor is considered non essential just like physiotherapists and due to the close contact a chiropractor has with the patient, i can understand why this would be considered a little dangerous, but non essential?
the Qing Ming festival is considered essential, fine to go ahead and set up areas where people will come together to burn joss paper but people like me who depend on chiropractors to be able to function normally cant access that service.
so yes I am a little bitter about a festival about praying to dead ancestors is deemed essential
Friday, 13 March 2020
Sunday, 9 February 2020
Tuesday, 14 January 2020
Saturday, 11 January 2020
|image by Demystifying Medicine|
Thursday, 9 January 2020
Warning to all you youngsters out there
eat right from the beginning and don't think it gets better as you age.. it's downhill after 45
I have always thought that I was intolerant to gluten so I finally went to get tested as my stomach issues were just getting worse.
I had my blood test done on the 17th of December and to date I had not heard back from the hospital where I did my tests. I do have access to the tests as we have an app where all your medical records are and I can see them I just don't understand them.
So I called the clinic where I had my tests done today to find out what was going on..
Me: Good Morning is this Clinic A (it really is called Clinic A)
Clinic A: Yes Good Morning, How can I help
Me: I went in to see Dr .... on the 17th of Dec and I was supposed to get a call back from your clinic on my date for a scope, can I check if a scope has been scheduled?
further along in the conversation
Clinic A: We only did the blood test, you have to call The Endopace clinic to get your scope date, and someone is supposed to call you from there to council you on your blood test results.
Council me on my blood test results.... that was scary!
so I called the Endoscopy clinic
repeating what i said to clinic A - I went in to see Dr .... on the 17th of Dec and I was supposed to get a call back from your clinic on my date for a scope, can I check if a scope has been scheduled?
She confirms my name etc and then says
Endoscopy C: Oh yah, its scheduled for April 6th
Me: So why hasn't someone called me or sent me a text to inform me of this
Endoscopy C: we would be sending a text 1 week before the scope
Me: really? I was told I was going to be informed 2 weeks after my visit to the doctor, do you not think we need to plan our lives a little?
Endoscopy C: oh er sorry anyway ( and she launches into what I must do before the scope)
Me: what about my blood test results
Endoscopy C: Oh that you have to call Clinic A...
So I call Clinic A again
Me, quite irritated now: Can I know if I will have someone talk to me about my blood test results?
Clinic A: Sorry ma'am, that the Dr will discuss with you after your scope
(no mention of the counselling call i was supposed to receive and I was too irritated to ask)
Me, wanting to hit someone by now: So you expect me to wait till April to find out what is wrong with me?
Clinic A: err I can expedite your request
Me wondering who I can strangle by now: Really, yes please expedite this like I need a call back by today or tomorrow!
Clinic A : yes ma'am like I said I will expedite this
What THE FUCK!
No I didn't say that to him... I had already hung up by then
so I still don't know whats wrong with me, I still don't know if I am indeed celiac or whether there is something worse happening to me..
I will wait till end of tomorrow and if I haven't heard from the hospital I will be calling them back.....
Sunday, 3 November 2019
Wednesday, 30 October 2019
But I think I need to kick myself a few times in the head just to make sure I dont go back to the sorry situation I was in.
I am tired and fed up and I am sure anyone who has read my blog is also tired and fed up of listening to me go on about A. They must be thinking what is wrong with this woman, is she really that clueless....