Friday, 13 March 2020

fuck this covid 19 virus

So this Covid 19 thing is affecting us in more ways than thought possible,
with the cancellation of events and work in the office grinding to a halt, the boss will be implementing pay cuts and less days in the office.

I already work a 3 day week and am on a very small wage compared to 4 years ago...i am stressed beyond words 
I have options though
I could rent out a room in my flat as I have 2 spare bedrooms, and I did put up some ads on the free sites.  I also got a nice young man come see the flat and when he was looking at the space i could feel myself start to panic.

Today the panic is really setting in
I dont know if I can share my space with a stranger.  My home is my haven from the big bad world, I only have shared my home with the people I love.  I did let one of the sons friends have a room for about 5 months and I was fine with that as my son was around and i knew there was an end date to him being there. The thought of having someone around scares me, not because I am afraid, it feels like an invasion of my privacy and personal space.  I am not good with strangers, I tend to hide when confronted with someone I am unsure about, that would mean  the one place I feel secure (my home) would not be secure anymore.

The other option is to cut things down to a bare minimum, cut cable TV, I still have netflix (which the son is paying for) and amazon Prime and I have 5 books I havent read..
stop unnecessary shopping for clothes. shop at the wet market for food. there are ways to cut costs.

third option - rent out my flat and go live with son in Canada...

so I have options, I just have to make a decision 

Sunday, 9 February 2020

When shit hits the fan

Its getting a bit scary with this coronavirus infections in Singapore.

Recently the powers that be moved up the response to the outbreak to Orange - which means that we have to be more alert, there are local infections and we need to be more vigilant (see here for the article from our main papers)

We have had this alert before in 2009 when the H1N1 virus was all over the place.

This time though there was mass panic in Singapore.  We had 4.98 million people in 2009, we now have 5.7 close to 6 million.  thats a million or more people crowded on this tiny red dot, which I feel has been a factor that has brought the ugly Singaporean to the surface. People went to supermarkets and started clearing shelves of toilet paper, rice, noodles and whatever else they thought necessary to hoard in times of emergency.  thing is, its not an emergency.

I was at my local supermarket to do my usual Saturday weekly shop, and was gobsmacked at the way people were buying things.  the lines for the checkout stretched to the back of the supermarket, so trying to manoeuvre around the place was difficult with people not moving out of the way, blocking shelves, and generally being a pain in the ass.  The single basked self checkout lane had people with 2 or more baskets which pissed me off even more. They have been shamed on social media as well but they justify their actions as looking after their families in times of troubles......

I have always been in favour of immigrants, I feel that its fine if you want to move here and make a better life for your family but I understand also that when immigrants move to a new country they should learn about the local way of life.  I have seen it in the UK and Australia and can understand the frustration of locals when they see their way of life changing.  No one likes change and no one likes their lives being disrupted.  Why am I talking about immigrants?

Yesterday in the supermarket amid the chaos of people buying and hoarding stuff it became apparent that the ones doing half of the hoarding and buying were the immigrants from China. and to my horror, I felt resentment, anger and wished they would just bloody learn to integrate or go home.
The other half were local Singaporeans who were mainly Chinese.  the Kiasu amongst us (Kiasu explained) were at it again.  Singaporean Kiasuness is legendary, and those that follow the kiasu way of life make things difficult for the rest of us.
Does this make me racist...  I think it does.  am I ashamed?  Yes I am.  How do I change that feeling in me of racism...  I don't know,  as all my life I have had to deal with people look at me and treat me differently, treat me like the odd one out, which should not make me a racist as I have had racism directed at me..

Even in my office, which is majority Chinese,  in a meeting with me there, they will speak in mandarin, totally ignoring the fact that  I dont speak the language
I should have learnt the language you say....maybe, but the stubborn person I am, I think, its not China, speak English! But thats for another post, lets deal with this feeling I have first about when the going gets tough...

People will panic in situations, the ugly side will surface.  Singaporeans have shown that ugly side of their nature.  I want to believe that when the shit hits the fan I can be one of those that does not let racism, intolerance and kiasuism get the better of me.
So far I have let racism seep into my being, I can find a dozen reasons why to justify my feelings, but I wont.. as that will just make my anger and resentment worse.

Stay calm and carry on you say?  I say, learn to live and learn and learn to be tolerant of the chaos and breathe.....because the shit has NOT hit the fan yet...

Tuesday, 14 January 2020

a Flexitarian life

I grew up in a household where meat was not on the table at every meal.
I thought that was how everyone ate
I thought that everyone sometimes just ate a vegetarian meal

Obviously I was wrong.... as they actually came up with a word for it in the nineties... Flexitarian , although Flexitarian seems to be eating mostly vegetarian with occasionally having meat.  Seems to be a mix of the words flexible and vegetarian?  

I am Punjabi, my forefathers came from the north of India and we were mostly landowners and we tilled the farm and ate what the farm gave us.

That has translated down the generations, probably till me and my sisters... that we ate mostly dhal, veg and chapatis.  My younger sister didnt quite like meat, she was happy with curry and rice and my brother well he didnt quite embrace the vegetarian lifestyle.

We would go to  India most school holidays, to visit family, on the fam and enjoy the fresh vegetables that my aunt grew in their backyard.  No pesticides, no crap just fresh veg.  Meal times were lots of Veg, paneer, Dhal cooked on an open fire, and chapatis.  It was delicious.

I am 57 (I keep saying that to remember that I am THAT old) and I have eaten a flexitarian diet all my bloody life... its not a new fad people its been a way of life for many of us.

So its like, stop putting labels on what we do and how we eat.  stop being so rigid with ourselves.  yes a full meat diet isnt good, eating too much meat is bad for us and i think going totally Vegan isnt that good either.  
Be a flexitarian .... and not just with food, the key word is flexible and should be our motto in life too.

Saturday, 11 January 2020

and the results are....

Years ago when I spoke to our family doctor on getting tested for celiac or gluten intolerance, he advised me to not take the test as they usually come up inconclusive.
He advised me to follow what suited me, if i found I bloated after eating certain foods, just eliminate them from my diet.

I followed his advice and it worked until recently.  the last few months I have had bloating, gas, bad tummy after eating everything, I could not tell if it was the gluten , starch or even my lactose free milk, and I was getting fed up paying for expensive gluten free alternatives.

image by Demystifying Medicine
Which is why I ended up in the hospital to get tested for gluten intolerance or celiac disease.

Well I have my results, its inconclusive....
they dont want to rule out celiac, they dont want to rule out gluten intolerance yet.  I have to do my scope in April before we know more.
the doctor did say I need to see what my triggers are, I can eat a bit of gluten to see what triggers my reactions.  So I am starting today with bread..

From tomorrow (I already had cereal for breakfast, GF of course) I will stop with all dairy and have bread for one meal, whether its breakfast or a sandwich for lunch.  Each week I will add or eliminate a certain type of gluten and stay away from dairy as much as i can.

I have a couple of months before I do my scope and perhaps by then I will have a better idea of what is wrong and hopefully with learning what my triggers are, I wont have to wander around looking like a very pregnant old(er) woman.

Thursday, 9 January 2020

the labyrinth of medical appointments and lab results

As one ages, one has to commence the endless joys of medical appointments to suss out the issues relating to cholesterol, diabetes, stomach issues... the list is endless

Warning to all you youngsters out there
eat right from the beginning and don't think it gets better as you age.. it's downhill  after 45


I have always thought that I was intolerant to gluten so I finally went to get tested as my stomach issues were just getting worse.
I had my blood test done on the 17th of December and to date I had not heard back from the hospital where I did my tests. I do have access to the tests as we have an app where all your medical records are and I can see them I just don't understand them.

So I called the clinic where I had my tests done today to find out what was going on..

Me:  Good Morning is this Clinic A (it really is called Clinic A)

Clinic A:  Yes Good Morning, How can I help

Me:  I went in to see Dr .... on the 17th of Dec and I was supposed to get a call back from your clinic on my date for a scope, can I check if a scope has been scheduled?

further along in the conversation

Clinic A:  We only did the blood test, you have to call The Endopace clinic to get your scope date, and someone is supposed to call you from there to council you on your blood test results.

Council me on my blood test results.... that was scary!

so I called the Endoscopy clinic
repeating what i said to clinic A -  I went in to see Dr .... on the 17th of Dec and I was supposed to get a call back from your clinic on my date for a scope, can I check if a scope has been scheduled?

She confirms my name etc and then says

Endoscopy C:  Oh yah, its scheduled for April 6th

Me:  So why hasn't someone called me or sent me a text to inform me of this

Endoscopy C: we would be sending a text 1 week before the scope

Me:  really?  I was told I was going to be informed 2 weeks after my visit to the doctor, do you not think we need to plan our lives a little?

Endoscopy C: oh er sorry anyway ( and she launches into what I must do before the scope)

Me:  what about my blood test results

Endoscopy C: Oh that you have to call Clinic A...

So I call Clinic A again

Me, quite irritated now: Can I know if I will have someone talk to me about my blood test results?

Clinic A:  Sorry ma'am, that the Dr will discuss with you after your scope

(no mention of the counselling call i was supposed to receive and I was too irritated to ask)

Me, wanting to hit someone by now:  So you expect me to wait till April to find out what is wrong with me?

Clinic A: err I can expedite your request

Me wondering who   I can strangle by now:  Really, yes please expedite this like I need a call back by today or tomorrow!

Clinic A : yes ma'am like I said I will expedite this

No I didn't say that to him... I had already hung up by then

so I still don't know whats wrong with me, I still don't know if I am indeed celiac or whether there is something worse happening to me..

I will wait till end of tomorrow and if I haven't heard from the hospital I will be calling them back.....

Sunday, 3 November 2019

joys of living alone part 1

I am afraid of living alone.....

Not for the obvious reasons but because when I am alone i have no one watching what  I eat..
or rather I feel ashamed enough not to be a pig when I know someone else lives with me and knows what  I am eating.

Now that I am alone, I can eat what ever I want and no one can call me out on it.. which sort of is like if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around does it make a sound... 
If I eat 3 bowls of ice cream for dinner and no one sees me, did i really eat it??

But my tummy knows what I did.  When I sit on the toilet groaning, I know what I did

I am a stress eater.  I eat when I am sad and stressed and crave  the warmth and comfort that food gives me and I am a person of extremes, black or white never grey and that is exactly how I eat.. either I am so good and disciplined and on the opposite end I eat like there is no tomorrow.

at my age ( I turned 57 recently... What!! 57! bloody hell) I need to be more aware of what I put in my mouth as eating like a teenager just doesn't quite cut it when one is a rapidly aging hippie wannabe...

so while my adventure of living alone commences, I must remember that I now have to take care of myself

Wednesday, 30 October 2019

I am a slow learner

I  finally am rid of A.  That was a long time coming. 

I have written about A for so long, always saying finally its done, then going back to him. My last post on ending it was September 2018... and yes I went back to him...
But I think I need to kick myself a few times in the head just to make sure I dont go back to the sorry situation I was in.

It has been a vicious cycle of anger, pain, joy, euphoria and then pain and tears all over again.  I made compromises because he ticked boxes in me I liked, I hid behind his not wanting a relationship so I didn’t have to go out and make an effort to find someone who actually did. 
Its been 10 years of on and off (mostly off he says) and I chased a few good men away because A would tell me he maybe one day would want a relationship, usually when he realized I was serious about letting him go to find someone more emotionally available.  

So I ended up just hanging around A,  hoping and wishing and as Jack Johnson says in his song Sitting, waiting, wishing… loving somebody don’t make them love you…..
No I cant always be waiting, waiting on you

I cant always be playing, playing your fool

I am tired and fed up and  I am sure anyone who has read my blog is also tired and fed up of listening to me go on about A.  They must be thinking what is wrong with this woman, is she really that clueless....

I need to move on, its time for me to learn to be open, let someone in, go back on Tinder, be more social.. sitting at home isn’t going to let me meet anyone..

I need to learn to flirt again.  Learn to love again.

The future is me

Son no 2 finally moved out.

He got married at the end of August and him and the lovely wife bought a flat, which needed some work done before they could move in.
He officially moved out (when his bed moved out) 2 weeks ago but his room is still half full of his things.  I am reluctant to nag him about getting all the stuff out as he is working full time, and most weekends too and is trying to his new place together so I don’t want to add extra pressure… but its driving me crazy.

My place is now full of black bags of old clothes, bags of old CD’s, books and that’s just what my living room looks like.  His old room is still full of more of his old clothes, furniture and I don’t know what else.
My home is in a bit of turmoil and so is my head and heart.

I miss him, even with his mess but I am also feeling free…. Like its all my time (lets ignore my mother for now).  I have my space, my time and I can actually walk around in my underwear and no one is going to pop out of a room and get scared silly at that sight!
I can even cook for myself all of my favourite vegetables and all the things he didn’t like. 

It is a bit lonely though and I am sad but its been ages since I did anything for me first and I am slowly relaxing into making me a priority.  I think I like that.
The future is about me now.