Saturday, 13 October 2018

liberating the girls

Its been a busy week

we had 3 events in a week and we are a small office which means all hands on deck.  while I complain I am too old to go onsite and run with the youngsters, I enjoyed it.  Its adrenaline pumping.

I also have been in a lot of pain this week.  I have a massive boil on my back.  Its right where the bra hook sits.  I had it cut and squeezed 5 years ago and its been ever present on my back since then.  It was tiny, but the last few weeks I could feel it growing with a vengeance. I went to see the doctor on Wednesday, to beg him to cut it out, but he didn't.  It was too hard to cut and squeeze..
He put me on  2 types of antibiotics for 5 days and I have to go see him again in the coming week.   It is the size of a plum.

For the first time in years,  today I  was out and about without a bra on.  I am in so much agony when the bra hook sits on it that I could not do it for another day. I had to walk slowly as there would have been too much jiggle.  But at least the pain was manageable.

So it will be a liberated me, walking around braless till i get that damn thing cut and I have healed.

Tuesday, 2 October 2018

anyone know a good psychiatrist

so I tend to bottle things up then after a few days of stewing in my own misery and juices, I explode and say the wrong things at the wrong time.


I don't nag, I keep it in because I don't want to piss anyone off.  
so it gets bottled up, shaken a bit a few times,  the gas builds up and like a bottle of coca cola that's been shaken too hard,  it just spills out everywhere.

I had a birthday on Thursday, and to me its just another day.  It wasn't a particular good day, I spent 4 hours at the hospital having my eyes tested and told I had glaucoma in the right eye.  an irreversible eye disease that could be because my eyes have always had a very high degree of shortsightedness (myopia)and exasperated by the fact I have been on inhaled corticosteroids  for a while ( my asthma inhaler). they give u a test to check your peripheral vision and obviously I failed that one especially in the right eye.

so the week hasn't been too good.  When son no 2 asked to take me out for dinner on Sunday for my birthday I said no, not necessary as I usually don't like the fuss.  the way he put it though was that his girlfriend wanted to take me out... first mistake

Then on Saturday, just as I emerged from washing the bathroom the young couple use, which included picking up all the hair that they leave after a shower, doorbell rings and someone delivers flowers.... no, not for me, but he got flowers for his girlfriend.  

So picture this, me sweaty after doing their cleaning, bunch of flowers in his hand with him mumbling about haha not getting me flowers...and giving it to the girlfriend, them kissy on the sofa, and me, doing the washing cleaning, ironing everything for him..... well I got upset.  I did not as usual say anything,.........I let it fester..
I know he offered to take me out for dinner... or rather his girlfriend wanted to, but come on.. you don't give the girl flowers in front of me, when there was nothing for me not even a hug for my birthday.

so on Sunday night, I did have a go at him, and everything came out including the fact that he hasn't contributed to the household expenses in 5 months.... knowing full well that I was now earning much less than before and I had told him things will be difficult.
which of course leads him to believe its all about the money

We haven't spoken, and today I apologised for letting it build up and erupting... and no he did not apologise, he has no idea what he did wrong.
While I need to apologise for erupting, I am still upset that I am taken for granted.. but then its entirely my fault that I get taken for granted in the first place.. I do everything for him and he usually says " well I don't ask you to" yet I feel guilty for not doing it.

this isn't going to end well....

Saturday, 22 September 2018

does true love exist

why do we remain friends with an ex, because we hope someday that the ex will realise what a mistake it was to let us go and want to be with us again..

well thats what I have been doing.

 with A with P

holding onto to something hoping one day something will happen
it doesnt.
the reasons we split up are still there and they dont go away, they dont miraculously resolve themselves.  All it does is to hinder moving on.  I have not been able to move on from A and from P.
Hoping one of them would suddenly realise I was the one that got away.

It stopped me from wanting to meet new people, to date again and to pick up and start making a new life for myself.

Its been really hard facing up to the truth of firstly how I felt about those 2 men, then the fact that I had to sever all ties and stop pretending that we could be friends.

I hated hearing about how P was off in Europe without me, living his life (he says he isnt happy but he made the decision to not make a go of it with me) The thing with P was that I adored him, he was like my best friend, someone I trusted and wanted to be with,  in the beginning I pulled away and said lets just be friends.  
P then very quickly found another girlfriend and I did feel  that he was just into me as a friend as he found someone else so quickly.  Then when he split with the new girlfriend, we started hanging out more.  that was when I really started to fall for him, but he left for Monaco...

So I figured I didnt have anyone, might as well just go get what I could from A..
Just sex and nothing more... but I was with A, on and off  from 2009, and it was hard to get him out of my system.. I made excuses to have him in my bed just one more time..

A is a different kettle of fish though, he just wasnt into me and I wasted so many years not listening to my instincts and thinking if only.. He did take advantage of how I felt about him to get what he wanted.  He was callous, dismissive and brutal, and I let him do that to me.
My instinct was always to get as far away from A as possible, but he knew what buttons to push to bring me back to him.  

I have written about A so many times, how I say no more and swear that I will never go back.. I delete his number and when he texts a few months later, I am like a woman dying of thirst,  given that first drop of cool water..

I want to move on.  for my sanity I have to move on.  I want a partner in life, I want that person that I wake up with every morning.  I know relationships are hard and i am naive that I think that 2 people with baggage and hang ups can actually try and work things out.  I believe in happy ever after and true love

Its just that I dont seem to be able to find it..

Friday, 21 September 2018

leaving the nest

So son no 2 has found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I am elated.
And sad.

Just like with son no 1, my baby leaving the nest and staring his journey into adulthood is bittersweet. Yes I know, at 33 he has been an adult for some time.
is that what parents are supposed to do..

As an Asian parent we keep our little babies with us till they marry, and if they marry late, we could have babies in their 40’s still at home..

Parents know that their babies have to go forth and prosper, we know that we only have the initial 20 years or so to mould and guide them to become decent human beings.  I have had more time with my boys and while parenting is never over till the parent drops dead, the babies still are on their own once they leave home.

Which brings me to the point of all my ramblings.
I know they have to leave and make a life with someone who will be their best friend and partner for life.. its what all parents want but it leaves a gaping hole inside our hearts.  It does make it easier knowing they have found wonderful women to share their lives with.

I will miss son no 2 when he leaves but I am excited to see him as a husband and to see which path I choose once I am alone again.

Maybe that’s what prompted my second attempt with tinder..

docs & doctors

So at my age I still have not learnt whats good for me and whats not…. Being older does not mean wiser..believe me I know.

the docs
I recently bought myself a pair of Doc Martens shoes… not the big heavy boots but a simpler lighter (or so I thought) pair of shoes.

I wore them with jeans and to work and after 3 weeks of wearing the shoes (not everyday) I realized my back started to ache more and I was popping too many muscle relaxants at night.  It got to the point of me not being able to move on a weekend.  I spent all of Saturday and Sunday laid up in bed fluctuating from hazy medicated bliss to groaning in pain and trying to find a comfortable spot in the bed.

Something just didn’t feel right, and as son no 1 pointed out, if a pair of heavy shoes could do that to me, there had to be something else in play.  So, I went to see a chiropractor as all the medical doctors were doing, was to throw copious amounts of muscle relaxants at me.

I have had one session, need to get some xrays so they know what they ae dealing with but the difference was immediate.

I don’t know if its because I stopped wearing the Docs or the session really helped.  Last night was the first time in 2 weeks I did not swallow pills before bed time and woke up without a backache.  I still have to go get my Xrays done and go back to the Chiropractor and hopefully if the chiropractor can figure out how to heal me.. I wont have to put my Docs up for sale..