Go for a walk
Take deep breaths
Well meaning words from family when I talk of my anxiety levels. For someone who hasn't experienced an anxiety attack, words come easy, but it's far from easy.
I have been suffering from anxiety attacks, hopelessness, thoughts of suicide for sometime now, and took the step to seek help more than a year ago, all pre covid.
I was told I was depressed... no shit! Medication helped numb me, I was comfortably numb for a year and a bit which frightened me even more. With no money to spare, I had to seek help within our subsidised healthcare system which while adequate isn't up to par where mental health is concerned. It's always a different doctor you speak with, they keep banging on about mindfulness and pushing pills. Their only concern is that you don't try to kill yourself on their watch. I weaned myself off the anti depressants by March 2020 and then we went into lockdown.
The lockdown was actually the best thing that happened to me. It meant that we all worked from home and I could avoid the office and the manager that thought shouting, screaming and slamming files on the tables was an effective way to communicate. His bullying tactics of throwing tantrums when he didn't get his way took its toll. I started losing faith in my own abilities and felt like control of my own life was slipping through my fingers. the constant reminder of getting older and that I was not worth paying what I thought I was worth or to be able to take control of the job that I was hired to do, made me feel really worthless. It didnt help that my last job made me feel just as worthless.
Going back to the office now has been hard, the bullying has escalated. Instead of being able to relax at home, which has always been my sanctuary, I allowed myself to say yes when an Uncle and Aunt asked to stay for a bit with me ( as I have a spare bedroom)
I wasn't told how long they intended to stay, so when they said 3 - 4 months on the day they arrived, I was a bit shell shocked.
I am not a social person, the constant talking, the invasion of my space has kept me up at night and its only day 4. The disruption of my set routine has sent me down a spiral. They want me to cook for them, easier they said....no it isn't! I have said no but they aren't listening. or maybe I have not clearly communicated my NO
I wanted to do the right thing for them, to let them share my space but I have been alone too long and the constant pressure to be present with them is slowly and surely giving me anxiety attacks. The noise in my head has increased two fold.
So I have to come clean which is making me even more anxious and ask them to find alternative accommodation, it will put a strain on relationships but I have to do this, for my own mental health.
I wonder how in hell did I end up here, descending into this abyss of fear and anxiety.... Oh wait, it's because I didn't say no.