the lies we tell

We lie to each other, to strangers and to ourselves.

Little white lies, big honking lies, lies to get away  with not doing things, lies to save ourselves.

What would happen if we stopped.  can we actually get through a day without lying

I tell lies, little white lies, lies to save myself but I steer clear of big honking lies as I am  not good at lying.  I realised very early on that I was not good at lying.  I got caught out as lies usually have to be stretched and one lie begets another..
its exhausting.. so I just stick to white lies and little lies that are of no consequence.

But what about the lies we tell ourselves.
Lies we tell about what we do to others, to justify what we do.

I lied to myself about Tinder, I deleted my account as I know I am not ready to date or to meet someone new.  I lied to myself about my family. its hugely complicated and maybe one day I will write about my family and the games we play.

I am going to challenge myself to not tell lies, white lies or lies to make myself look better.
It will be difficult, I will falter but then I am only human and never perfect.

But at least I will be able to look myself in the mirror and like what I see.

liberating the girls

Its been a busy week

we had 3 events in a week and we are a small office which means all hands on deck.  while I complain I am too old to go onsite and run with the youngsters, I enjoyed it.  Its adrenaline pumping.

I also have been in a lot of pain this week.  I have a massive boil on my back.  Its right where the bra hook sits.  I had it cut and squeezed 5 years ago and its been ever present on my back since then.  It was tiny, but the last few weeks I could feel it growing with a vengeance. I went to see the doctor on Wednesday, to beg him to cut it out, but he didn't.  It was too hard to cut and squeeze..
He put me on  2 types of antibiotics for 5 days and I have to go see him again in the coming week.   It is the size of a plum.

For the first time in years,  today I  was out and about without a bra on.  I am in so much agony when the bra hook sits on it that I could not do it for another day. I had to walk slowly as there would have been too much jiggle.  But at least the pain was manageable.

So it will be a liberated me, walking around braless till i get that damn thing cut and I have healed.

anyone know a good psychiatrist

so I tend to bottle things up then after a few days of stewing in my own misery and juices, I explode and say the wrong things at the wrong time.

me...

I don't nag, I keep it in because I don't want to piss anyone off.  

so it gets bottled up, shaken a bit a few times,  the gas builds up and like a bottle of coca cola that's been shaken too hard,  it just spills out everywhere.

I had a birthday on Thursday, and to me its just another day.  It wasn't a particular good day, I spent 4 hours at the hospital having my eyes tested and told I had glaucoma in the right eye.  an irreversible eye disease that could be because my eyes have always had a very high degree of shortsightedness (myopia)and exasperated by the fact I have been on inhaled corticosteroids  for a while ( my asthma inhaler). they give u a test to check your peripheral vision and obviously I failed that one especially in the right eye.

Anyway

so the week hasn't been too good.  When son no 2 asked to take me out for dinner on Sunday for my birthday I said no, not necessary as I usually don't like the fuss.  the way he put it though was that his girlfriend wanted to take me out... first mistake

Then on Saturday, just as I emerged from washing the bathroom the young couple use, which included picking up all the hair that they leave after a shower, doorbell rings and someone delivers flowers.... no, not for me, but he got flowers for his girlfriend.  

So picture this, me sweaty after doing their cleaning, bunch of flowers in his hand with him mumbling about haha not getting me flowers...and giving it to the girlfriend, them kissy on the sofa, and me, doing the washing cleaning, ironing everything for him..... well I got upset.  I did not as usual say anything,.........I let it fester..

I know he offered to take me out for dinner... or rather his girlfriend wanted to, but come on.. you don't give the girl flowers in front of me, when there was nothing for me not even a hug for my birthday.

so on Sunday night, I did have a go at him, and everything came out including the fact that he hasn't contributed to the household expenses in 5 months.... knowing full well that I was now earning much less than before and I had told him things will be difficult.

which of course leads him to believe its all about the money

We haven't spoken, and today I apologised for letting it build up and erupting... and no he did not apologise, he has no idea what he did wrong.

While I need to apologise for erupting, I am still upset that I am taken for granted.. but then its entirely my fault that I get taken for granted in the first place.. I do everything for him and he usually says " well I don't ask you to" yet I feel guilty for not doing it.

this isn't going to end well....