what to do with my linkedin connections

How does it work when you have retired and still have a Linkedin account...

Do I want to keep the account?  should I just delete it?  or just leave it to fester online.

I have turned off all notifications so my linkedin account will just stagnate out there in cyber space.  Its like somewhere, some place, it shows I really existed, I really had a job that paid me.

Which begs the question why do I need that justification of having existed and worked for a living.   I have met and connected with many people, people I didnt like, People I really liked and people that I have worked with. While I valued most of their roles in my working life, that is where they stayed.  Just at work.  I no longer exist in that stratosphere..

I dont want to see what my connections are doing as I just dont care enough.  I also dont want to see what my ex boss is doing as her recent actions in the office have made me realise that like her husband (the finance manager) she is not who I thought she was. 

Some connections became friends, some good friends some not and some that made me think that friendship is just a word they bandy about..  

My real friends have my phone number and they chat with me often.  So why do I need a reminder of people I worked with? Why do I need a reminder of what I used to do?  I know what I did, and I am proud of the work I have done.  

Do I need to keep the linkedin account to make myself feel better... or is it just a reminder that I traveled, did events around the world and had fun while I worked.  I loved what I did and its now over.  It became a chore in the end, not because of the work but because of the people.

so what do I do with my linkedin account....

dating in Canada

 So Canada

Is it time for me to go seek a new life here or is it just a transit stop.

Am I am ready to find a man and settle down?  Find a partner, lover, companion for the next phase of my life.  its just the dating part and finding someone that I am tired of.

In Singapore I was 'seeing' A again but not as in a relationship as that is not what he wanted and I went along as I thought why not, I was going to go to Canada for a bit so I thought I would just enjoy his company while I was in Singapore.  When I got to Canada I asked him again if he thought he could have a relationship as that was what I wanted... and I give him his due, he is as consistent as ever in that no, he didnt want that.  

I do feel sad of course, that I keep picking the men who do not see me as a life partner. Is it too late for me? How does one date in Canada when one doesnt drive... 

Do I want to even start dating again?  so many bloody questions in my head.  I think for now I will just take it easy, relax and see where the next few months go and keep my eyes open for all the men around...

am I ready to retire

July passed in a blur of packing, fixing up some stuff in the home for the tenant, fighting with online sellers as the light I ordered online turned up broken, trying to return the light and having to go buy a new one, then having the online shopping company make gaffes on picking up the light i needed to return... it was a comedy of errors with added stress.

But I got there in the end

It took quite a bit of time, way more time than I anticipated to pack up my life, because that is what I have done. I have lived in that flat for 24+ years.  It was the first home I purchased after my divorce and I have spent the last 24+ years paying for it, fixing it up, decorating it, living in it and making it a safe haven for me and my boys. So it was hard packing it all up to hand it over to a bunch of strangers to live in.

I cant describe the feeling, the day the moving guys came to collect my 35 boxes, and my furniture for storage.  I was watching 24+ years of my life move to a 96 sqft space.  to be locked away for a period of time while I decide where and what my next chapter will be.  Bittersweet.. scary... exciting... all rolled into one.  

Then it was organising myself for my flight to Canada.  To get the PCR test, praying I was negative, to get my paperwork in order as Canada was not allowing tourists but as my son lived there and had his PR card, I could go in with paperwork to prove that relationship.

The flights were not full full but full enough to panic a little in case someone had covid....The transfer in Tokyo was quick and painless but again worrying about Covid and keeping hands washed and sanitised and mask on.

Once in Vancouver, the added stress on whether I would have to quarantine as it was not a forgone conclusion even if I was fully vaccinated, that I was going to have to spend 14 days in quarantine.  I had to book accommodation on my own to show I had a quarantine plan, which was 3 days at a Vancouver Airport Hotel and 11 days on my own in a place where I would be self sufficient without coming into contact with anyone.  I was very lucky that I didnt have to spend 14 days in quarantine but the hotel wont refund the full amount (still waiting for the refund to come in) and neither did I  get the full amount back from Airbnb for the 11 day stay.  so that stung a little but all in all happy that I escaped  having to spend 2 weeks in quarantine.  The Canadian government has said from September 7th tourists will be allowed in and fully vaccinated travelers wont have to quarantine... I wish they had been clearer for my travel.. 

Canada will be an interesting experiment.  I dont drive and that will hamper my activities and I would hate to have to depend on my daughter in law to drive me everywhere.  thats just not fair on the poor girl, as I am sure I will curtail her freedom and her life.  

I wonder if I can just stay with my son and daughter in law, without giving up my own life as I have given up my own space... will I like it here....am I ready to retire?  Am I ready to be put out to pasture because it does feel like that is what I am doing..

why are people assholes and dont listen!!

With the going to Canada plan gaining momentum, I have had to take stock of everything I own and sift through 25 years of living in one place.

I will be renting out my flat while I am away so have to decide on which furniture I want to store and what I want to sell.  

I took pictures of the furniture I want to sell and loaded them up on 2 sites, and have managed to sell all 3 of the large items I put there.

One piece was an old Ikea dresser/buffet hutch which I put up for a very affordable and reasonable price.  I got a buyer pretty quick and the pick up was scheduled for that night.

They buyers husband turned up after work, alone to move the dresser downstairs into his van/lorry.  I repeat, alone..

Me:  Err its heavy, you will need someone to help you

Him, scratching his head, trying to lift it, looking around :  Oh hmmm, no one at home to help me?

Me, thinking ok, this is definitely a farce.. but lets see:  "sorry my son wont be home till very late"

(no point telling everyone i lived alone)

Him:  can lah I can try

Me: it has glass on the doors, Its heavy, there is a slope and your trolly is a bit small and you have to lift it onto your van/lorry

Him, thinking hard then says - "ok let me call my wife"

He calls the wife - "Eh, its Heavy! "

i assume she asks me to help him, to which he replied "there is only her, shes a woman! and its heavy!"

To cut a long story short, he said he would come back the next night with someone to take it... 

and so I waited.. and waited... he didnt come back.

The next buyer of the same dresser:

I decided to not take the chance again of leaving it up to them to decide if they could carry it on their own and texted the guy before they came

Me: please bring a trolley and at least 2 people to carry it.

Him: can it be dismantled

Me : No it cant

he turned up with a friend, no trolley and with a tiny evening bag sized tool box to dismantle it..

what is wrong with men! why dont they listen

I also have had a stream of prospective tenants walk through my flat.

My posting for a tenant on the app is listed very clearly that tenancy to start in August 2021.  One would think people will read the ad before asking me questions but no, that would be asking too much of people. Everyone wants the flat in June..

One guy came with his cousin/brother/relative... everyone had a different story on how they were related..  He didnt come in to look at the place but his cousin/brother/relative walked through on his own as the other guy was on the phone... and they were late for the appointment..  and again  " can move in in June?"

I had to chase them away as I knew I wouldn't be renting my place to them

One lady came with her feng shui master... and she spent a total of 5 mins looking at the place and asked no questions.  They discussed something in Chinese and left... I guess the feng shui wasnt right for her.

Another lady pissed me off as she kept changing the day to see the flat, then moved the time on the day 2 times and then when the time of the appointment came and went.by an hour and  she hadn't turned up, I messaged to tell her not to bother.... I got told I was nasty. and she is still messaging me on the app to ask if the place is still available...

It has been quite an experience and I still havent found a tenant.. so it is going to be a few more weeks of dealing with people that dont listen.  Wish me luck and patience please.

life, menopause and liberty

so what exactly is menopause?  

It's actually broken down into 3 stages, peri menopause, menopause then post menopause.

so why didn't I know this... why didn't our mothers and grandmothers talk to us about this as they would have talked about sex or marriage.. Thing is I never got the talk, and I think its was because they never got the talk either.

Anyway, lets start with Peri Menopause

its when your body starts to tell itself that you are reaching an age when your sole purpose is not to have children.  It started for me with my eye sight, then mood swings and for me, a sex drive that reached levels of me thinking WTF was wrong with me, I wanted lots of sex.

my periods stopped when I had a hysterectomy in 2005, I was 43. The doctors took out my uterus and cervix but I still had those pesky ovaries to ensure I eased into and not hurtle into menopause.  

What came next was full blown Menopause, the change.... I have no idea when I drifted into the hell hole that is menopause. All I know is I spent 10 years trying to find my way out of that fog.

My mood swings were spectacular.  I was like a bird with one wing flying erratically into the wind, with one eye closed.  There were days I thought I was mentally unfit to lead a normal life.  I had no clue why my behaviour was like that of an aggressive drunk looking for a fight or that of a scared child crying at the first thing that came round the corner.  Add that to an urge to fuck everything in sight even though you seem to have a vagina that resembled the sahara.  then there were the hot flashes, sudden heating up of the body, which either made you sweat profusely or felt like you would burst into flames.  It was not a pretty sight.

I never went on HRT, but I did try herbal supplements which did help... for awhile.  

Then suddenly the hot flashes/flushes stopped, the mood swings seem a thing of the past and you realise that you have floated down to post menopause. 

The joys of post menopause include:

your gums recede, your teeth look bigger, your feet grow, or in my case  only one damn foot grew bigger..  your nose and ears keep growing too.  The shape of your body changes.  you find your usual round and plump thighs and ass shrinks as you lose muscle.  You lose hair, you lose the lustre of your shiny locks.  you are no longer required to attract a mate so your body decides to alter itself to suit that purpose.

my feet, right 1cm bigger

You cease to be an object of desire, your sole purpose is no longer to breed, your status changes.  You are ignored, you are no longer a valuable asset to anyone.  I am feeling depressed just writing this! you spend your time at doctor appointments because you are now part of the demographic that will get diabetes, high cholesterol, depressed and whatever ailments that come with aging.

But there is a good side to this.... when you get older, you start not giving a fuck what anyone thinks. I know not all women will reach this mental superiority, for some it will take time.  some will never catch up.  Some wont have that chance, But it is liberating.  you dress to impress no one,  you wear comfortable shoes because your feet hurt and they need the love and care for carrying you around for decades.  

You still have desires, you still want sex but with lots of lube, and sex with no thought of getting pregnant.  Or you just prefer cuddles and a warm blanket... You arent responsible for the kids anymore, if they are still living with you, throw them out.  Learn to forgive yourself for not always being there for everyone, stop feeling guilty for wanting your own life. Learn to say no! Your partner may not want to travel the world, go with friends.  Do the things you want to do. Yoga/pilates/anything, go learn things, just go and do what you want cos no one can stop you unless you let them.  Now I have to take my own advice...

I just wonder whether knowing all this would have made me treasure my younger days or would I have just thought that perhaps I would be different... But I think women's health issues and the changes we go through are not taught to women, or girls.  We just got the period talk in school and that was it.                

I suggest a new program for all girls.                                                           

There should be a series of talks for each decade as we age.  It starts with puberty talk, periods, sex, masturbation, enjoying your body and not feeling ashamed that you want an orgasm, protecting yourself, saying no and getting the NO across to your partner/lover/date.  pregnancy and the changes it brings to your body, know that there will be days when you look at your kids and wonder why you had them, educating your sons on women, educating the men in your life, time out for your partner, time out for yourself, taking care of yourself, your kids are not the be all and end all, working outside and inside the home, that Sheryl Sanberg is a dick and leaning in is for rich people, you cant have it all, getting older, menopause, liberty and the end....

Maybe I'll write a book about all that one day....

 

new chapters

On Friday Jan 22nd I left the office for the last time.

After a few months of mental and verbal abuse directed at me, it escalated that morning into a vicious vitriol exchanged between the finance manager and myself.  It ended with me being forced to resign.

I am upset with the way I behaved, to allow him to lead me down this path of verbal attacks to the jugular.  To be forced to make a decision on my future while being bullied, yelled at and attacked.

I will not repeat what was said but it has been playing on a constant loop in my mind.  Its taken me 2 and a half  months to be able to write about it.  yet I still don't understand it, I don't understand the why of it. I don't understand the how of it.  How did it get to the point where this man hated me so much?

I know that not everyone will like me, I get that, but this was pure hate, vicious and frightening.  

From what was said in one of the earlier altercations with him back in November, he never wanted me at the office, but his wife, the owner and MD of the company did and she did not consult him on my hire in 2018. She made the decision to hire me to 'fix and control' the finance dept. on her own.  Did his hate start there? Her brief to me when I started was to organise the dept and eventually have him ease out of the business.

Suffice to say he wasn't on board with that.  Has it  been brewing for 2 and a half years?  I believe the MD, who I have known for more than 15 years, way before she knew her husband, .. had the best of intentions when she hired me.  I believe that her husband the finance manager saw me as a threat. 

 In 2019  his behaviour and the mental torture I went through each time I had to consult or work with him on things contributed to my mental anguish which led me to being put on anti depressants.  I hated going to work because I knew how difficult it was to get things done with him.  The smallest of changes I implemented in the office would end up in a shouting match between him and his wife the MD.  It was hard to see this smart vivacious, ambitious woman who at 30 had opened her own company,  be treated this way by someone who was supposed to be her husband and partner in life.

I guess one should never work for a friend, especially when husbands or partners are involved.  I will never know the why of what happened.   What I do know is that this has shaken me to the core.  I know I should not dwell on the things he said to me, the attack on me as a person, my commitment to my work, my character and my abilities. He brought me down to his level and that has made me feel even worse.  That I could not stay professional, that I could not shut out the noise.  That I reacted. That I may have lost a friend.

But I will move on, there will be a new chapter..