Monday 28 November 2011

life

It never turns out the way you want it to does it.  The plans you make, somehow one wrong turn and life just takes on a strange twist.  You wake up one morning and think I didn't sign up for this, I don't want this life, how do I make things right.
For years I drifted, I felt like I was sleep walking. I lost decades doing things that someone else told me to do.  Its taken a few years to shake myself out of this stupor, and to discover things all over again.

I haven't found all the answers, I havent found the key to happiness, what I have found is that we make our own happiness, we make our own destiny.  Its not anyones fault.  I take full responsibility for my life, the ups and the downs and all my choices.  I take full responsibility for my own happiness, sad days, bad days, good days, its all me, its all my life.

can men and women be just friends

I have always wondered if men and women can just be friends. I always thought it was possible, but certain developments recently have kind of made me rethink that perhaps its difficult.

In one of my earlier posts on dating I talked about men friends and going out for dinner with them occasionally. Just dinner with a friend.  Well once again my naivety has got in the way of my instincts.
Recently man friend 1 decided to ask me where I wanted it to go!!  I didn't realise that he had thought that it was more than just dinner with a friend.  I am not someone who has had several relationships so I have no experience on how to talk to men about this, so its hard for me to tell MF1 that Its only dinner as friends and I don't see it going anywhere else.  Besides, I am in a kind of relationship.   This of course does beg the question of whether I can still go out with other men friends just for dinner or drinks or even a movie?
Which ultimately also begs the question if men and women can be just friends?

Sunday 27 November 2011

violence and control

There is this article in the Sunday Times today on domestic violence.  A school counsellor wrote a book and the recent publication of the said book prompted the article in the papers.
The article brought back memories, horrible memories of what it was like for me in my own home.
My ex husband was controlling, jealous, suspicious and when things were not to his liking he would make sure I knew damn well how to behave.
I wasn't allowed to have an opinion, I had to agree with him in everything he said. As the kids grew up the violence slowed a little but abuse continued, emotional abuse.  He controlled every aspect of who I was, what I said, what I wore and how I behaved,  I became timid, without a mind of my own.
People ask me now, why didn't I just leave him.  I couldn't, he threatened to kill me, my father, my mother, my siblings.  When your whole life is taken over by fear, you will believe anything.

The violence was always directed towards me, and slowly the emotional abuse started to be directed towards the kids and  one day he finally went too far with my son, that was it.  That was the day I said no more.  I stood up to him and said no more.  I was still afraid but I wasn't going to let him hurt my boys.  I am not afraid anymore but the damage is done.  I left him in 1995, I haven't been able to trust anyone or have a relationship with any man since.  In the beginning I told myself that I was doing it for the kids, I couldnt bring another man into the home for their sake.  Looking back I think I just didn't want to let a man have that kind of control over me.

I want to have control so much that I can't let go and its hurting me now in that I can't just be.  I am trying though, and this "relationship" that I have now has had its ups and downs but mostly its been good.  better than good actually.  I have my space and he doesn't expect too much as i don't know how much I can give.  Its been hard for me as I am still trying to come to terms with what I really want.  I trust him completely and that's the first hurdle for me.  There are still barriers, walls that I have put up and I wonder if he will be patient with me as I notice the walls crumbling slowly.  So bit by bit I let go of my obsession with having control and I learn to just let things be.

Friday 25 November 2011

the other relationship

We have several relationships at one time, as long as you have something to do with another person or thing, it is a relationship.  You can have a relationship with your hairdresser, your banker, your electrician, your parents, your kids, it goes on and on... You can also have a relationship with food, and for some of us it can become an obsession.  Its all about food, the tastes, the aromas, the textures.....
I had dinner with some friends recently and I tried deep fried Fish Skins for the first time!  They looked totally unappetising, gnarled, dried looking curly  pale bits.  They tasted divine though and they had their own dipping sauce! I suppose anything that is deep fried will taste good, but these seem to be the perfect accompaniment to a cold beer!  Maybe pubs should start selling this instead of the usual nachos and fries.  Speaking of Nachos in Edinburgh my sister and I went into a pub and had cider and Haggis Nachos.  Now those Nachos were good!  It was my first taste of Haggis and I think it was a good way of introducing a new food….. put it in Nachos!
It is an unhealthy obsession, food.  It is also a comfort  and thats when it becomes a problem.  I tell everyone that I am always on a diet and I am.  I have been on a diet for the last 15 years. I now say its a lifestyle change (yeah right!)
There was the lets not eat just have alcohol diet, which did have its drawbacks!
then there was the eat only salad diet (did you know salad leaves give you gas!!)
then there was the atkins diet (or my version of atkins)
then there was the cabbage soup diet ( this had to be the worst one ever)
The list is endless, so finally I decided to eat healthy and avoid foods that I knew were making me bloated, gassy and just fat (this meant no more big bar of hazelnut cadburys chocolate for dinner)

So far so good, but its hard, hard to keep the weight down.  Exercise to me has always been a dirty word, I will walk and thats about it as thats the only physical activity I enjoy (unless we add sex to the list of activities)  The only other activity or exercise I do do is housework.
 Housework may be a weekly thing, unless I decide to declare the weekend as a non domestic chore day.

so thats my "other" relationship.....the food, that I cant eat because i am supposed to be on a diet.....but that doesnt stop me wanting more.  Hmm I wonder if that relates to all our other relationships........




Sunday 20 November 2011

little horrors

I never liked children, and I actually still don't like them very much.  I never volunteer to baby sit, never have, and the few times it was thrust upon me when I was a teenager, only made me think that I would never have children of my own.  I did end up having children.  I can't imagine my life without them now of course!

I was never the maternal sort and I don't think I am now either.  When my babies were little, I never really got into the whole baby talk and thought it was pointless to indulge in goo goo gaga stuff.
I don't smile at babies when I see them in the lifts. Parents look at you with their bundle of joy in their arms and they have this look on their faces like " well aren't you going to say anything to my beautiful baby!!"  What does one say?  I have tried to smile at babies and engage in some "conversation"  and all I usually end up saying is "hello baby"  Repeat several times while wiggling fingers in front of said baby!  Duty done now let me out of the damn lift!  Parents also try to hand you their squirming bundle of joy, Its like "give me 5 mins please, take this child off my hands!"  No Thank You!

When my boys were young, their father wasn't around much for them and I ended up being both parents.  I would watch football with them, and I think my interest in sports (watching only thank you) developed only because I would try to get involved in what they were interested in.  It wasn't easy, and I of course made mistakes along the way, especially after the divorce.  It took me a couple of years after the divorce to start thinking as head of the family, to make the decisions and to steer the boys in the right direction.  I am thankful that they managed to get on the right path, but there was a time when I thought my older one was lost to me and society in general.
I was strict with the boys in some ways, especially about manners,  I didn't care if they dyed their hair Orange (older son was going for the blonde look but...) or if they got piercings or tattoos.  My only wish was for them to be decent, honest, gracious human beings. 
My older son is the metro sexual male, and till today my younger one calls him my "daughter" as he talks openly to me about everything.  He is the neat clean one, and his bedroom was never messy.  He is more aloof with strangers (I wonder where he got that from) but once he warms to you, watch out for the charm!  The younger one is the mans man, sports mad, chauvinist, but oh so charming.  My dad got it right when he said that that one could sell snow to the Eskimos! Somehow he managed to convince me that he was doing me the favour while  I do  his laundry, all the cleaning and the cooking at home...... I am in search of very strong pair of scissors to cut the iron clad apron strings!

It has been an adventure with my little horrors (or as one cousin calls them Cloak &  Dagger) and even if it was a disaster of a marriage, I  think that I did get some good out of it, two wonderful things in fact!

Friday 18 November 2011

the foreign workers pin up girl

well not all foreign workers, just those from the Indian subcontinent and for all you philistines out there, its the Bangladeshis, Indians, Pakistani (and in some cases Sri Lankan) workers.  and no they aren't all the same!
It must be my ample bosom and well rounded bottom that appeals to these men cos most days when I walk from the bus stop to  the office I get ogled at by these men.
Are they more open about their ogling I wonder, or is it that they are the only attention I seem to attract!
We do like to be appreciated but being ogled at is quite another thing.  And its not just ogling openly, it is gawking, mouth open, staring, they follow you with their heads turning to watch you walk by!
I understand that,  where they come from women are not seen openly very often. (yes in rural areas, women mostly stay home and most of these foreign workers are from the rural back waters.) it is a form of cultural shock to these poor men.  Perhaps there should be a form of training for them on how to behave in a foreign land and how not to gawk, stare and ogle women!

Sunday 13 November 2011

inked

On the surface I appear to be a very straight laced woman.  Some have also said a very stern looking woman.  Oh if only they knew!
I got my first tattoo in London in 1999.  My sister had already got one and I was fascinated with it!  I wanted one too.
The tattoo artist was a burly Irish man and he did scare me a little, I needn't have worried as it turned out that  he had a very tender touch! My sister wanted another one and I wanted my first one, and somehow we both decided to get a little butterfly on our left breast.  I cant remember who went first but within 15 mins I was no longer a tattoo virgin!  I had been Inked!
As tattoos go its a small one, the size of a Singaporean 20 cent coin, which is pretty small.
They say (one day i have to find out who "they" are) once you get inked you cant stop, and I was itching to get another one and I finally did a few years later on my right shoulder.  No 2 was done in Singapore and I was surprised that I had to hand over my identity card to register my tattoo!!

My body art has meaning, they aren't random bits of ink that I happen to see and suddenty decide I want.  All of them were done only after careful consideration.  No 1 the  butterfly,  to me it symbolised freedom and time to spread my wings.  the second is a Celtic cross and it is the crosses I bear.


I got two more in 2008 .  These were bigger,much bigger.  No 3 is two stars in red and black, and it is for  my two sons, the stars in my life.  the fourth one is a heart done in the Maori design ( I got this done in Auckland, and my uncle drove me there and picked me up after!) and it signifies that my heart is now open.  No 3 & 4 are on my lower back but not low enough to qualify as a tramp stamp ( I hope)

Will I get Inked again?

sadie the cleaning lady.... return of the domestic goddess

My sister in Perth likes to call me Sadie the cleaning lady, apt i suppose as i do like to clean and cook but I of course prefer the title "Domestic Goddess"
 I like the feel of clean floors, dust free shelves and the smell of fresh laundry.   I enjoy doing the physical work of cleaning and dusting and cooking and laundry especially after being in the office all week.  It gives me great satisfaction to sit down at the end of the day and smell the clean in the air. The cleaning and cooking and lets not forget errands, usually occupy my whole weekend  and I grumble about doing it all and having no time to do anything else when deep down I actually like it!  I like being alone and doing all these thing!
I hired a part time maid recently and I fired her too.  She just didnt clean properly!  I admit, I am fussy, I do like to know that the place has been cleaned instead of wondering if the maid has been.  It should shout out to you " I am a clean home" I am willing to pay to have someone come clean for me but I always have trouble as either it turns out they arent legally supposed to be doing part time cleaning or they just not up to my expectations.
I try to plan the weeks menu in my head and know what to buy from the markets so that during the week its easy to take things out of the freezer and make sure I have a good dinner when I want one. I am not one of those that likes to eat out, I would prefer a salad or a sandwich to any hawker/restaurant food anytime.
My favourite dinner of course is breakfast.  Give me cereal or a fried egg and cheese sandwich or even a
scrambled egg with toast for dinner and I am your friend for life!
Its Sunday today and I am up and about and have been to the supermarket, laundry done and am now going to cook a couple of things for dinner and for the freezer.  I am actually excited at the prospect of cooking then cleaning the flat!
somebody help me please!!
 

Friday 11 November 2011

mutton dressed as lamb

image from google
is that me??  how do i know if i am too "old" to wear a certain type of outfit? As a woman of a "certain" age, I do have to be careful not to cross the proverbial line from classy to Oh my god did you see what she was wearing!
My dress sense (or lack of it) is more geared towards hippy chic.  I would love to be able to just dress down all the time in jeans or shorts and leggings( yes i still like my leggings and am ecstatic that it is back in fashion). Occasionally I do like to dress up in dresses and skirts but not in stuffy corporate suits and skirts.   I am fortunate that I work in event management and although when  required for on site work at an event, was in formal black attire, the usual days in the office were "dress to please yourself, just don't be vulgar", which suited me to a T.  As I move up in the years category I find that I struggle with knowing what a woman of a "certain" age can and cannot wear.  Magazines and shops are geared towards the skinny young people, the older women are supposed to go shop in frumpy stores that are dated and hideous.  I feel a little out of place in trendy shops with house music blasting from the speakers but I do venture in and honestly, I hurry out pretty quickly as I get curious looks from the sales personnel.
High street labels target the majority of women in the 20's to early 30's.  These are the women that are out there and have the disposable income to go shop.  What about us though, the older woman, we are at an age where we have sent our kids to university, we are in comfortable positions at work and also have disposable incomes to burn on fashionable outfits.  With older women more concious about their figures, eating right and exercising (yes i have to start that....soon), the matured older woman isnt a frumpy overweight figure anymore.  But.... we dont all want to be in designer dresses ( we still cant afford that) or in something totally inappropriate.  So, older women out there, where do you shop?  Where do you go to find that type of style that suits our advancing age without crossing the line.  Where do you go to find clothes that arent in size 0 - 4 that suit only Stick Insects (thank you Bridget Jones for this description).
For now I will continue to trawl the high street shops, try desperately to remember that I am not 25 and if  a few wardrobe malfunctions happen then so be it!

Wednesday 9 November 2011

the holiday

It all started with an email, to attend a wedding in London.
That got me all excited about a trip to the UK and this time I was determined to go do some tourist things and not just visit with relatives.
I planned in advance,  our tickets (the son accompanied me on this jaunt), we got exceptional deals on our national carrier with a direct flight.  planned our accommodation and booked it, planned my daily itinerary to the last detail and planned my gift buying carefully so that I could be well packed and set a couple of days before we flew off.  If you know me well enough, you would know I do sometimes let things wait till the last minute then rush around frantically trying to get everything done.  this time I was determined it would be different.
oh how the best laid plans always go awry!
We were to leave on Wednesday the 26th and on Sunday 23rd  I began to feel a bad twinge in my back and I thought to myself that I should rest on Sunday and just watch  the rugby world cup final and the MotoGP (the Sepang race was called off  due to the tragic death of one of the riders - see earlier post)
Monday morning came and I couldn't move, I couldn't even get out of bed to go pee.  I was in so much pain, it was excruciating.  I was flying 13 hours to London in 2 days!!  I couldn't even get out of bed to go see a doc, and thank goodness the son managed to go get some medication for me and a hot water bottle ( my new favourite thing).  I still had to change money, pack, wash the bathrooms, buy cat food, get my inhaler (spare one) what was that about doing it different and plan better??

By the time Wednesday morning rolled around I was mobile enough to get to the airport and on the flight fully drugged and medicated of course!  I am a morning person, I like to get things done in the morning, and this includes getting on a flight.  The son however is quite the opposite, he had moaned about the time of the flight and he did go on about some concert he was attending the night before.....Next time I will listen better so that at 6.50am I won't be yelling and cursing at the son to get up as we had to be at the airport at 7.30am.

We managed to get there on time and thank goodness the flight wasn't full.  As flights go, a direct 13 hour flight isnt so bad as long as there are enough movies to occupy your time and if you get enough to eat.   Airlines seem to have cut their budgets for meals and they have stopped feeding passengers!  I for one am not happy cos I like airline food!  Yes I do.  I like opening the cover and wondering if that unappealing  food can actually taste good!  Call me strange!!
So after 5 movies that I don't remember and way too little food, we arrived in London.
For the first time my sister wasnt picking us up from the airport and it felt strange, very strange, and we hadnt arranged a mini cab either.  I had poured over the map of the underground and trains to see the best way to get from Heathrow to central London.  Taxi!!

It is something I will not repeat.  it was a pleasant enough experience, just that at the end of the journey I felt like I was being robbed!!

The wedding was over, and the son went to stay with his friend while my sister and I headed north to Warrington ( to visit the cousin) and then on to Edinburgh.  With my back still not 100% I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to enjoy Edinburgh and all the sights.  Thank goodness for pills and my new favourite thing, the hot water bottle.  yes Brad (the hot water bottle, named after Brad Pitt as thats what I would like to keep me warm on a cold night) was packed into my bag and came to the UK with me.
London used to be my favourite city, it had so much promise, with all the little lanes and the history.  It was magical, imagining how people lived and what they did.  This time though I found it different, it was too crowded and dirty.  I liked Edinburgh though, Scotland is now on the list as one place to explore further.

I didnt manage to do all the touristy things I wanted to do.  Son suggested we go to Highgate Cemetery and that was a surreal experience, what spoilt it was the walk from Highgate Cemetery to Emirates Stadium.  it was close he said........ one hour later when we finally reached it, i did wonder why on earth didnt I stop him and say "lets take a bus!"

The plan for 2012 is to go to Paris and Tuscany, not sure when but I really want to do that next year, perhaps I may add Scotland to that list too

the art of sensuality

I have noticed that  women are becoming less womanly, less sensual.  I love being a woman, I enjoy being a woman.  I have never ever wanted to be a man, never thought that things could be better only if I had been born a male.  I am not a girly girl, I don't like pink ribbons or pink cuddly toys or anything to do with Hello Kitty.  I do however like to dress up ( sometimes) and wear high heels, put on make up and play with my earrings and bangles and chains etc etc.  I also enjoy buying lingerie and wearing it.  Yes,  for the man. 
Women may dress for other women but we buy and wear lingerie for our men.  If they tell you any different they are lying through their teeth!  The reaction alone from your man should be enough for you to want to go buy lingerie and see the look of wonder and sheer delight on their faces!

Can women be feminists and sensual she devils? Has it become such that women feel that  they need to be ashamed to want to go out and buy lingerie and let their sensuality shine through.
I like to believe that I am both, the feminist and the sensual sex goddess.  An independent, hard working, sometimes grumpy, sensual woman.
I do not have the perfect figure, I do however try to work at it (I still have to start my exercise routine though)
but that doesn't stop me from buying lingerie that I think will heighten the experience.  Knowing full well that men are visual creatures, why don't we do more to enhance that.  As far as the men are concerned, they don't even see our wobbly bits that we are trying so desperately hard to hide in cotton pyjamas or flannel nightwear!

It is hard for women, to try to be the sensual sex goddess every day especially with  work, or after putting the kids to bed and after doing all the dishes.  But who says it has to be every night. who says you have to try to do it all in one day.  We do have our "i feel fat days" and we also have our "i feel sexy days"  so why do we feel that we shouldn't act on that and bring a little spice and sensuality into our mundane lives!

I know of several women who cant be bothered with lingerie and it is those same women who complain that their men/husbands/partners aren't paying them enough attention and don't bother to help around the house.  I wonder if we women gave the men some incentives, would they still ignore us!  It isn't taking a step back and wasting all the effort and sacrifices that women made to get the vote and to be independent.  It is just another step in the direction of evolution.  I watch Mad Men,I watch the way men treated women.  It was not pleasant, I do not want it to go back to the way it was. I want it to evolve to women being sensual women again and still being able to go out there and be corporate hard headed bitches.

Wouldn't it be nice to sometimes to let the guard down and just be seductively sensual!

Tuesday 8 November 2011

so what happened to the dating

I don't know what happened,  but in July I told myself that I  wanted to have someone just for me, and I built up in my mind this ideal picture of what a relationship is supposed to be.  It had to tick all the right boxes, it had to  be exactly correct to be the perfect relationship!
I was delusional!
There is no such thing as the perfect relationship.  Its supposed to be perfect according to the individuals that are in it!  Has it taken me 40 odd (and add a few more years here) years to realise that?  Obviously it has...
I was so enamoured with the idea of the perfect relationship and how it is supposed to be that I could have lost something that means everything.  The failed attempt of a relationship hadn't really failed.  It was just different.

RIP Marco Simoncelli

On October 23rd 2011 in Sepang Malaysia, a very young and talented MotoGP rider died.
I have been a fan of motor sports for a very long time, but it was more the F1 rather than the bikes.  My older son  used to watch the MotoGP and he used to tell me that it was so much more interesting than the cars.  He was right.  I watched the races and fell in love with the speed, the precision and the way they took corners.  Marco  Simoncelli was a young exciting rider who moved into the motogp class in 2010.  He was aggressive and had the balls to race with flair and grace.  I watched him for quite a few years, grow and get better and irritate others and make his mark on the circuit.
I wasnt watching the race that day, it was also the Rugby World Cup Final and I thought I would switch over at half time to see how the MotoGp race was going on.  When I switched over the race wasnt on, and the commentators were discussing and talking about whether the race would continue after it had been red flagged.  it meant only one thing, that there was a serious incident on track.
I dont usually cry when famous people pass on, even if I am a big fan of theirs.  I cried when Aryton Senna died.  I cried again that day when Marco Simoncelli died.  A very young and talented rider that died in an extremely horrific crash.