Thursday 31 March 2016

sweet whisperings

So while I have told A we cant continue our "non relationship" we were still in contact via text, which was a bad idea.

A's modus operandi is to allow me to fester in silence while I contemplate life without him. Then he will send me little messages once in a while, keeping me on my toes, allowing my heart to skip a beat when I see "new message from A" on my phone.
Then he will say sweet things, but what he ultimately wants to know is, if I am going out looking for a new man.  My mistake is that I reply when he texts and I let him know that I wanted a relationship with him and not some other man.  He knows then that I am still pining for him.  That keeps him happy for a while and after that he will keep sending me messages reflecting on how good it was..... which inevitably ends with me telling him lets try again and I can separate feelings from what we do just so that I can have that one little piece of him. He is a master manipulator even if he says he isn't.

This has been going on since 2011, and I believed I had cured myself of him by the time I met P in 2013,  but the cure was ineffective.  I had not seen A in a year but I let him back in with texts and his sweet whisperings.

So today after a week of texts, I told A to delete my number as I will be deleting his, delete everything about me, as I cannot be friends with him, I cannot talk to him without wanting him.

sounds like me....

Choc stage done......lots of choc












I should have done it when I said no more, but deep inside, some stupid part of me thinks I can be friends with him without wanting him.... I need a kick up the backside.

I think being in my dark place is because of him,
5 stages of grief.... am I in the acceptance stage now I wonder...



Sunday 27 March 2016

the dark place

Its been tough these past weeks.  I seem to have crawled back into my dark place.

I am extremely good at hiding my feelings and hiding what is exactly going on inside my head.  I bottle it all up and let it fester inside me let the small things engulf me.

I worry about money, retirement, work, and of course if I will be alone for the rest of my life. I worry that the kitchen needs redoing and I dont want to spend all the money doing it....
I worry that I have a tenant moving into the spare room, son no 2's friend needs a room for 4 months, and I havent cleared out the room, there are old stand speakers that are spoilt and an old TV.... I have told the son that we need to throw some stuff out  but I dont know if he understands that I want the stuff moved out NOW as his friend moves in on the 1st of April.

Some of the worry is work as they want me to take on extra duties but not pay me enough to actually want to take anything on.... and I worry that when I dont take on the extra duties, I will still end up doing the work anyway...

Most of the worry is unnecessary, some of it is all in my head, as I stress about every small thing, but I cant seem to shake off the feeling of doom.  I feel like I am unravelling emotionally and I am eating till I feel quite sick and the extra pounds are piling up.

I am not in a good place, I am in my dark place.....



Friday 11 March 2016

alone in a crowd

From a very young age I would watch movies on my own and when listening to music, I would retire into my own world to listen to my music.




















Nothing much has changed over the years, and last weekend I went to a jazz festival on my own.  I wish I could have had someone to enjoy it with, but all my friends are not fans of jazz music and since I have no significant other...alone I went.
Enrico Rava - 75 years old (in the white pants)
Joss Stone
Buena Vista Social Club
Buena vista Social Club - Omara Poruondo - 85 yrs old and her voice is still magnificent




















I am a big fan of Joss Stone and Buena Vista Social Club (Cuban Jazz) and I was not
going to miss the opportunity to watch them up
close. 2 days out in the open, just listening to music.  I had a great time....
but as there was limited seating.... my legs ached and back ached....man I am getting old....
not as old as some of the jazz maestros though..

Being alone in the crowd wasnt as bad as I thought it would be, I am not one to strike up conversations with strangers and with my resting bitch face... not many people would want to talk to me either... Still...all in a great weekend spent listening to great music.