Saturday 22 September 2018

does true love exist


why do we remain friends with an ex, because we hope someday that the ex will realise what a mistake it was to let us go and want to be with us again..

well thats what I have been doing.

 with A with P

holding onto to something hoping one day something will happen
it doesnt.
the reasons we split up are still there and they dont go away, they dont miraculously resolve themselves.  All it does is to hinder moving on.  I have not been able to move on from A and from P.
Hoping one of them would suddenly realise I was the one that got away.

It stopped me from wanting to meet new people, to date again and to pick up and start making a new life for myself.

Its been really hard facing up to the truth of firstly how I felt about those 2 men, then the fact that I had to sever all ties and stop pretending that we could be friends.

I hated hearing about how P was off in Europe without me, living his life (he says he isnt happy but he made the decision to not make a go of it with me) The thing with P was that I adored him, he was like my best friend, someone I trusted and wanted to be with,  in the beginning I pulled away and said lets just be friends.  
P then very quickly found another girlfriend and I did feel  that he was just into me as a friend as he found someone else so quickly.  Then when he split with the new girlfriend, we started hanging out more.  that was when I really started to fall for him, but he left for Monaco...

So I figured I didnt have anyone, might as well just go get what I could from A..
Just sex and nothing more... but I was with A, on and off  from 2009, and it was hard to get him out of my system.. I made excuses to have him in my bed just one more time..

A is a different kettle of fish though, he just wasnt into me and I wasted so many years not listening to my instincts and thinking if only.. He did take advantage of how I felt about him to get what he wanted.  He was callous, dismissive and brutal, and I let him do that to me.
My instinct was always to get as far away from A as possible, but he knew what buttons to push to bring me back to him.  

I have written about A so many times, how I say no more and swear that I will never go back.. I delete his number and when he texts a few months later, I am like a woman dying of thirst,  given that first drop of cool water..


I want to move on.  for my sanity I have to move on.  I want a partner in life, I want that person that I wake up with every morning.  I know relationships are hard and i am naive that I think that 2 people with baggage and hang ups can actually try and work things out.  I believe in happy ever after and true love

Its just that I dont seem to be able to find it..








Friday 21 September 2018

leaving the nest


So son no 2 has found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I am elated.
And sad.

Just like with son no 1, my baby leaving the nest and staring his journey into adulthood is bittersweet. Yes I know, at 33 he has been an adult for some time.
is that what parents are supposed to do..

As an Asian parent we keep our little babies with us till they marry, and if they marry late, we could have babies in their 40’s still at home..

Parents know that their babies have to go forth and prosper, we know that we only have the initial 20 years or so to mould and guide them to become decent human beings.  I have had more time with my boys and while parenting is never over till the parent drops dead, the babies still are on their own once they leave home.

Which brings me to the point of all my ramblings.
I know they have to leave and make a life with someone who will be their best friend and partner for life.. its what all parents want but it leaves a gaping hole inside our hearts.  It does make it easier knowing they have found wonderful women to share their lives with.

I will miss son no 2 when he leaves but I am excited to see him as a husband and to see which path I choose once I am alone again.

Maybe that’s what prompted my second attempt with tinder..


docs & doctors


So at my age I still have not learnt whats good for me and whats not…. Being older does not mean wiser..believe me I know.


the docs
I recently bought myself a pair of Doc Martens shoes… not the big heavy boots but a simpler lighter (or so I thought) pair of shoes.


I wore them with jeans and to work and after 3 weeks of wearing the shoes (not everyday) I realized my back started to ache more and I was popping too many muscle relaxants at night.  It got to the point of me not being able to move on a weekend.  I spent all of Saturday and Sunday laid up in bed fluctuating from hazy medicated bliss to groaning in pain and trying to find a comfortable spot in the bed.

Something just didn’t feel right, and as son no 1 pointed out, if a pair of heavy shoes could do that to me, there had to be something else in play.  So, I went to see a chiropractor as all the medical doctors were doing, was to throw copious amounts of muscle relaxants at me.

I have had one session, need to get some xrays so they know what they ae dealing with but the difference was immediate.

I don’t know if its because I stopped wearing the Docs or the session really helped.  Last night was the first time in 2 weeks I did not swallow pills before bed time and woke up without a backache.  I still have to go get my Xrays done and go back to the Chiropractor and hopefully if the chiropractor can figure out how to heal me.. I wont have to put my Docs up for sale..