Friday, 18 May 2012

end of the frontier

Thats what he calls himself.
I met him online at the end of August in 2007 on a dating site.  We used to chat online alot, and I finally met him face to face in October that same year.  I was actually dating three men at that time.
A - the frontier
T - Mr NZ
T2 - lets just call him T2.
T2 was a very sweet man, he had recently lost his wife and we went out for dinners but there was no chemistry.  I stopped seeing him after 5 dinner dates.  I wanted to stop seeing him earlier but felt sorry for him.  it was wrong for me to stretch the dates to 5 dates and I will never unwittingly  lead a man on like that again.

Mr NZ - I ended up dating him exclusively for a bit as I had dropped T2 and the Frontier was just a coffee friend.  It didn't work out with Mr NZ, it wasn't the right time for a relationship for me or him.  We only dated exclusively for a few months but it was good and we remain friends to this day. T is like the ex who you will want to date again!

The frontier - What can I say about him.  I knew from the beginning that this one would be trouble.  His icy green eyes, the slow curve of his lips when he smiled, the wicked wit and humour.  When he flicked his zippo lighter, I knew I was done for.  He never wanted a relationship and I thought I could deal with that as I wasn't ready for one either.  We flirted online, we flirted in person, we pushed a few boundaries, we connected on so many levels, music, movies, coffee, motogp!  We only took it to a whole new level at the end of 2009.  From then till recently, we broke our arrangement often, every six months or so he or I would pull back and say "cant do this, its getting heavy"  In the end we should have stopped our arrangement a year ago as I did tell him I was falling too fast for him.  He didn't let me go then and I wish now that I was stronger that I could have walked away from him.  He was giving me mixed signals and I was blinded by hope.
From the beginning of this year we both realised that it wasn't going to work but you know how it is, you try to see how to fix things.. In fact he said I was the one walking away from something....... go figure!

Its finally ended after so many times of us pulling back from each other because I want a full on relationship and he doesn't want things to change from our arrangement.  We couldn't find common ground.  Its sad as I do adore him and I know he does have feelings for me.  I will miss him but I don't think I could remain friends with him.  I don't have the experience on dealing with ex's, I only had the husband and I definitely am not friends with that one and there is I guess Mr NZ but Mr NZ is someone I remained friends with as we didn't have a messy breakup as it hadn't gotten heavy.
But with A I cant be friends as I would always wonder why he didn't want to share my life with me.

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