He used to say that I behaved like I was on a mission to find a man. Its not just about finding a man, its about finding love. Its about having someone to come home to. Someone to hold and someone to hold me. Its about sharing my life with someone and sharing someones life. Its about love, friendship, lust, companionship, compromises, intimacy, passion, fights, the good , the bad, warts and all!! I want the whole package!
At my age one would think I would have found it by now, I thought I had but obviously it takes two to tango, and a tango by myself wasn't going to work!
How do I get off this pattern of looking in the wrong places. How do I stop attracting all the wrong sorts. What is the right sort! Well for one thing the right sort has to be someone who is ready and willing to share it all! A line comes to mind " if a relationship has to be secret, you shouldn't be in it!" And yes it was a relationship, it was committed, exclusive, just all on his terms. I do shake my head and think I was a dumb ass, but at least I have realised it. My son did ask me if I would prefer to be unhappy and with him or unhappy and without him. I said unhappy and without because I didn't want my unhappiness to develop into bitterness, which is where it would have ended.
If anyone out there knows of any single, decent, well adjusted 50 something year old reasonably good looking men (yes am a little shallow and now think I should date older men. I have had enough of the younger men!) let me know.