on the brink of adulthood

I am  6 months and a few days shy of my 50th birthday.  Time to reflect on decades past.  I left my husband in 1995, when I was 33.  I think back to the girl I was then and the woman I am now.  A very different person for sure, I am more confident and sensible.  But then I was always sensible but mature,  I don't know if I have matured.  I seem to slip back into being a stupid silly girl sometimes, but that's only sometimes!
The thirties were turbulent as I was thrust into taking control and having to be both provider and nurturer in the family.  It was hard work.  My forties was where I established my set of rules and tried to live by them as I discovered just what I was capable of, its when I became a woman.  So I guess my fifties would be when I step into my adulthood and enjoy who I am.
 I certainly have changed from the girl that I was to the woman I am now but I don't want to change too much.  My marriage and divorce has screwed me up and I am trying very hard now to unscrew the damage that's been done.  Damage to how I deal with relationships and my expectations of them as well.  My expectations of what a relationship is supposed to be and my expectations of how its supposed to be.  I am still learning and changing but changing for the better ( I hope!)
I don't want to lose my uniqueness though, cos I know I am unique, and no am not blowing my own trumpet here but this is all part of growing up, realising what you bring to the table.
So the next decade is the decade where I embrace my uniqueness and maintain it, developing it further and making people believe that its still there!

my family

feeling nostalgic today.  1987, mums 50th birthday

picture frames

I like taking pictures, framing the shots in my mind , hoping to capture every fascinating thing  I see and find interesting.  I dont have a fancy DSLR camera, just a normal digital one but it does the job.   I take pictures of  anything that catches my eye like this alley in Melbourne.

Sagrada familia

an alley in Melbourne

I found Barcelona fascinating, I loved the old quarter and the cobbled narrow streets with balconies everywhere.  We did an event there I was was fortunate enough to be on the team that sold the concept and idea to our clients which gave me the opportunity to go there as well.  The food, the people,


although a beggar did throw stones at me when I didn't give him anything, but apart from that the whole experience in Barcelona was fabulous.

Rotorua

view from hotel queenstown

I was lucky that I had a job that let me go to these wonderful places.  I traveled to Houston once with a small group of men, for a tour of a plant in September 2008.  That was interesting, not because we did a day trip to Mission control but perhaps because of the hurricane that hit Galveston and Houston.  We made it out by the skin of our teeth.  Mauritius in 2005, then there was Queenstown and Rotorua.  Hawaii was beautiful and I hope to go there again as son no 1 is still there.  Hawaii was not for work though, it was to see son no 1 graduate!

Angkor Wat

Hawaii

Hanoi, Siem Reap Ho Chi Minh, Phuket, Bangkok, Bali, Chiang Mai, Shanghai, Port Douglas, Manila, India, all places I have been to because of my job.  I am lucky and only when we sit and reflect do we actually realise that yes I was indeed lucky.  Only down side of traveling for work is that I got used to 5 star hotels and service and when I go on holiday I cant afford the premier service we got when doing events.

Its in our blood I guess, traveling.  Since we were little we used to fly to India for holidays and London and Sydney.  With Dad being a pilot we got free tickets each year and we used them, to go to places and see things.  India was popular because Dad  wanted us to go see where we came from.  We loved it, the cold winters, no heating, running around the wheat fields, chewing and sucking on sugar cane straight from the fields, taking a dump in a cemetery, honest,  we didn't know it at that time it was a cemetery, with  no flush toilets in the village we thought we were very lucky to find this secluded spot to take a dump!

To top it off we traveled first class as Dad was in management with the airline.  We were treated special, we behaved ourselves and were never naughty or noisy up in first class.  We ate caviar and as we got older, were even allowed a sip of vodka from Mum.
I am planning my end of year trip now, the trip to mark my half century on this planet, Paris, Rome, Florence and perhaps Naples and Pompeii  and my camera will be working overtime.  I will be taking notes too about the cities and what I will find there.

pets

We always had pets, growing up, mostly dogs.  My younger sister and I found a cat once, we must have been about 6 and 3, and we adopted it and gave it a very strange name which honestly I have no idea how to spell so wont be able to reveal the name here.  We loved that little black cat, but one day we were told that she had run away.  Yeah right, seems my baby brother was allergic and Mum had given her away.  We were heart broken but as kids are reslilient we bounced back pretty quickly.
After that there were the usual dogs but never any more cats, until we got married and moved away.  My sister went to the UK and married and settled there, and she got her cats.  I didn't as the ex was more a dog person, so we had dogs.  Once I was on my own with the boys, we got cats.  well actually the cats found us.
Pushka followed us home and Tubby we adopted from the vet.  They came to us when they were little kittens and when we needed a focus.  Something to focus on instead of the pain of divorce (it was a very painful divorce) and all the mess we were in.  Pushka died last year from a form of cancer, we did try to save him with surgery but the cancer came back very aggressively and we couldn't help him anymore.

Tubby

Tubby is still around, annoying the shit out of me as she wants to be fed everyday at 4am.  She will meow in front of my door till I get up and feed her, and two hours later she will meow again for food!  Its reached a point where I am suffering from sleep deprivation as she keeps me awake with her incessant meowing.
I know she will pass on soon, it is getting harder for her to climb up onto the sofa, just this morning her old legs gave way as she tried to pull herself up onto the sofa, and she was hanging precariously by her claws until I picked her up.  In human years she is 79 years old, a grand old lady.  Well a senile grand old lady if it is possible for cats to be senile!
One wonders who the master is at times, are pets masters as we seem to be running around after them rather than the other way round. 
Will we get any more pets after she is gone, I am not so sure.  It takes patience, commitment and time to love and care for your pets and I seem to be getting a little selfish these days.

dad

Tomorrow will be 19 years.  19 years since Dad died.  I still miss him.
I got closer to him the year before he died as we moved to Singapore from Malaysia to make it easier for both my kids to go to school .  We  didn't want both the kids to be going through the daily run on the causeway shuttling between Singapore and Johor, just to attend school.

I also started work, we had our own employment agency, and I managed it for the ex.  So we stayed with Mum and Dad for a year.
My sons would go to school and come home everyday to find my dad waiting for them for lunch.  He would torture them, like all granddads would do, by making them eat all their vegetables.  I came home one day from work to find son no 1 sitting outside sulking.  He hadn't eaten his tomatoes at lunch, so he was told to sit outside as punishment till he ate them.  he didn't eat them and finally Dad relented and let him back in!
They did get on though, my boys adored him.  He would watch football with them, the Euro cup in 92', and they (son no 1 and dad) would go out late at night to go eat supper at the 24 hours prata place close by.  Or the time they all wanted to sleep in the verandah, all three of them with mattresses lying outside with the mosquitoes.
Dad was already very ill then, we knew that he was dying and he spent alot of time in hospital as well.  By January of 1993, he was given a few months to live, he didn't tell us, his doctor didn't tell us.  We only figured it out in March when his condition worsened.  Apart from the stress of  my ex stirring up shit within my family about inheritance, we had to deal with finally coming to terms with the fact that dad was dying, he really was going to go.  He slipped into a coma on Saturday 17th April and in the early hours of 19th April,  he died.  My brother, my older sister, her husband, my cousin, dads younger brother, me, my ex, we all stayed in the room on the 18th night as the doctor had said that it was close to the end.  We watched the monitors, the heart rate slowly dropping, lower and lower it went, and finally flat lined.  Dad already had signed  a DNR, so the nurses came in and let us say goodbye before ushering us out to remove all the tubes.
We cremated dad the same day in the afternoon at Mount Vernon crematorium.  Dad had wanted a simple funeral, no fuss, he didn't want his body to be taken home for people to mourn him.  
I didn't cry, I was in shock I guess.  I took over the kitchen, Punjabi's have 10 days of prayer at home when someone dies, and we have to feed people everyday till we finally end the prayers in the temple.  So I took over the planning of the meals and cooking, making tea (masala tea by the bucket loads) and making sure everyone was fed.  I couldn't break down and cry or fall apart as someone had to handle the kitchen as my older sister was handling Mum and all the other arrangements. 

He wasn't the best dad in the world, he made a whole lot of mistakes but he was my dad and I miss him.... alot.

rediscovering charlotte bronte

I was out and about in town on Saturday and at one of the shopping centres there was a book sale.  I cant resist any book sales, so I dived in to go find bargains.  And I did find some.
I am reading Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre again.
Books should be read more than once.  I discover new things between the pages of old friends, old books that I loved and read a long time ago, and sadly forgotten.  Nothing beats snuggling up in bed, turning the pages and devouring the beautiful prose of a gifted storyteller.
well am off to bed, not to sleep this time, but to indulge in my favourite from of escapism.....

when did i lose my dignity

I have been behaving like a spoilt child and that is not me, I am not the bratty, indulgent, pouting, always have to have my way kind of woman.  I pride myself on always keeping my dignity and maturity intact in all situations.  This last week has been different. I have been crabby, mean, hateful and all because he didn't want a relationship.  I know most women will say, its OK to sulk and pout and hurt him as I am hurting.   But that is not who I am.  So I will  salvage what is left of my dignity and try my best to move on with as little fuss. 
As I am constantly reminded by good friends, I am a beautiful, sexy smart woman and any man would be lucky to call me his.......now I only have to go find that man!

when it rains it pours

Its been raining often this whole week, thunderstorms and lots of rain.
I got home from work on Wednesday and saw a damp patch on my bed and when I looked up at the ceiling, there it was,  damp and two droplets of water hovering precariously waiting to fall.

My home is the topmost flat in the building and this has happened before, about 15 years ago when we first moved in, since then its been pretty good, until now.  after everything these last couple of months have thrown at me I now have a leaky ceiling and cracks by the window.........
So what else will the Gods throw at me I wonder.....all I know is that they must really be having a good laugh at my expense!

the mission resurrected

He used to say that I behaved like I was on a mission to find a man.  Its not just about finding a man, its about finding love.  Its about having someone to come home to.  Someone to hold and someone to hold me. Its about sharing my life with someone and sharing someones life.  Its about love, friendship, lust, companionship, compromises, intimacy, passion, fights, the good , the bad, warts and all!!  I want the whole package!
At my age one would think I would have found it by now, I thought I had but obviously it takes two to tango, and a tango by myself wasn't going to work!
How do I get off this pattern of looking in the wrong places.  How do I stop attracting all the wrong sorts.  What is the right sort!  Well for one thing the right sort has to be someone who is ready and willing to share it all!  A line comes to mind "  if a relationship has to be secret, you shouldn't be in it!"   And yes it was a relationship, it was committed, exclusive, just all on his terms.  I do shake my head and think I was a dumb ass, but at least I have realised it.  My son did ask me if I would prefer to be unhappy and with him or unhappy and without him.  I said unhappy and without because I didn't want my unhappiness to develop into bitterness, which is where it would have ended. 
Anyway....
If anyone out there knows of any single, decent, well adjusted 50 something year old reasonably good looking men  (yes am a little shallow and now think I should date older men.  I have had enough of the younger men!)  let me know. 

the gluten free experiment

It isn't working. Its been harder than I thought it would be.  When I was just strict with what I ate, it was easier to control the carbs.  Now with specifics in mind I seem to crave the gluten all that more....Hmm must be the old saying of "you always want what you cant have"
Maybe I should just go back to limiting carbs and try my best to stay away from gluten, rather than try to enforce a no gluten rule.  After all I was never good at being told what to do!

my head is a crowded place

Which makes writing this blog good for me.  If I didn't have an outlet like this, I would probably explode or end up in some mental institution.  I have wondered what it would be like to go mad.  To lose oneself within the confines of ones mind.  To never to be able to interact with others, to never to be able to make them understand what you are trying to say.  People never listen anyway, whether you are sane or happily tucked away in your own mind.  I wonder if they are happier than us sometimes, the poor lost souls who have difficulty dealing with reality.  Are they happier not having to deal with reality, not having to confine their actions to the norm.  It must be frustrating though, not having people understand what you feel or what you are trying to say.  It happens to us as well, doesn't it.  that beautiful song from Simon & Garfunkle says it all, "people hearing without listening"  Isn't that what we all do.  I am guilty of it too.  Often I have Mum on the phone with me and I don't listen to what she is saying and when I realise that I wasn't listening, I feel awful.  But I still do it!
But back to my head
Its crowded with words spilling out of me, words that sometimes don't make sense, words that sometimes I wish I had the guts to say out loud.  But don't. I try hard to squash those words, to tell them to stop as its too fast, its too complex.  It needs to slow down so that I can adjust and face reality sometimes, but they don't stop, the words keep coming, making me sit up and take notice and sometimes I have to sit still and let the words go round and round in my head, getting louder........ sometimes I go all quiet on the outside, as in my head, I am  screaming but no one seems to hear.

the big drain

I walk past a big storm drain every morning on my way from the bus stop to the office.  It is  muddy after a heavy downpour with water gushing through, or its dirty and smelly and someones idea of a dustbin. 

But every few weeks or so flowers grow on the side.  There are men that come and slash away at the grass verge and the edges of the drain to  flatten anything that dares grow taller than a few inches.  but between the vicious sessions of blade through grass, the flowers appear almost in defiance.......

love, intimacy and so much more

Its all tied in my opinion, Love, intimacy ,friendship and wanting to share a life.  You cant have love without that.  Seems I am wrong.  Seems intimacy and friendship aren't about love at all.  Seems love is all about who is in control of whom.
Well I say different and I guess I want a man who believes that sharing a life and love isn't about control or giving in. Its about mutual respect and learning that two people can love and be intimate and share a friendship and actually don't have to give up their independence and  their individuality.  I thought I had found that in him.  I thought he had understood that in a way we were kindred spirits and that independence and individuality were important to me too.  I guess I was wrong. 

my shower

Its finally fixed, and I had to do it myself eventually.  The main man, the head honcho of the handyman services came down on Friday afternoon and stood in my bathroom staring at the water dripping off the shower and declared it "ok what".  He gave me the full spiel of how water pressure and living in high rise affect the outflow and how manufacturers add water saving devices on the shower heads and the fact that I was living on the top floor, the excuses were endless.  I let him go on, then told him to turn around and turn on the tap at the sink, as the water gushed out in full force I told him that I had no problem with water pressure or the fact that I lived on the top floor of the building!  So head honcho man said he didnt know what to do.  I ended up going to a small hardware store and buying a cheap shower head and replaced the one his plumber had put there.
It cost me $8.50 and after endless delays and nonsense by men that had the audacity to think I was just another dumb female, I have my shower back to being glorious!

so where did it all go wrong

Maybe it just wasn't right in the first place.  I tried my best with the attempt of a relationship.  It started off as occasionally seeing each other, it was enough in the beginning.  I hoped in vain I guess that he would want more and not expect me to do all the compromising. I even tried to tell myself that yes I could keep it as just see him occasionally and not have a more 'normal' type of a relationship, because I wanted him that much.
But compromise works both ways, it was no use me compromising on all that I wanted and he not budging.
I guess he just didn't want it or me enough to make any compromises.  Hard lesson to learn but learn I will from this.
Back to the drawing board I guess, or should I say its time to dive headlong  into the murky depths of dating again..... 
Where or how I will meet men, I don't know, I don't know where to begin again. There has got to be a better way to meet eligible, decent, well adjusted men....  no no I will not let bitterness creep in and wonder if  a decent well adjusted male is an urban myth....
Deep down I will wonder what he is doing and if I could ever be friends again with him because we once were, and wonder if he will think of me and regret that he did let me go.

realigning the stars

I am into the astrology crap about stars and planets and when you are born and how things affect you.  I know more women believe all this hocus pocus and men think its all nonsense.

somehow these last few months, my stars have indicated that it is going to be a tough time for me, with relationships, with family, with general things.

After having gone through the last couple of months, I believe it more!

First it was the tailor, with my salwar kameez (Punjabi suits)  which didn't fit properly and still don't!

then it was the plumber and handy man, and he still hasn't got my shower right.

then it was my brother in hospital

then it was the attempt of a relationship, which is, I don't know where right now.

There is a line in one of the songs by the late Amy Winehouse, " and laughed at by the Gods"

Right now I feel that they are up there, snickering away at me!

The bright side is that this isn't going to last, the stars say its going to get better by the middle of April........does that mean I will have to go through another couple of weeks of frustrations and holdups and not have everything go smoothly.  Will I be able to take anymore I wonder.

All I know is that I would like to stretch my arms, grab those fucking stars and realign them,  NOW!

what is it about plumbing and me

I did find a new handyman and so far, his guys have fixed all of the problems I had.........well almost

On Saturday the plumber came and replaced the water heater (that was what was causing all the humming sounds) and the leaky taps ( seems its called a mixer). First he put in a different type of mixer, with an additional spout....I didn't ask for that and my mistake was not telling him I didn't want it straight away.  then the shower..... if one can call the trickle of water coming out of that a shower, somehow after he fixed a new shower head, the water slowed to a trickle.  Well he came back to check it out and said he would have to change the shower for me, and as I work, this could only be done on the coming Saturday.  

 This morning I had to wash my hair, it was frustrating beyond words trying to get the shampoo then conditioner out of my extremely thick hair!  I was close to tears and very close to smashing the shower head on the floor!  There was no way in hell that I would be able to last a week of having a shower with trickling water.  So this morning I told the handyman that I would take a day off to get it fixed and we have arranged for the plumber to come change the things tomorrow afternoon......and he wanted to charge me extra for a new shower and mixer..........seems that the particular shower cant be returned....... and its my problem,  how??

Did he actually expect me to say yes OK, I will pay extra??

Its been probably 7 weeks of crap from  these plumbers and electricians with my leaky taps and faulty heaters and I am at the end of my tether.  Will I finally get my shower fixed ........................

saturday mornings

I don't get to relax and sleep in on a Saturday, even though I am one of the lucky few that works a five day week.  The weekend isn't about relaxing and recharging, its frantic rushing around on errands on Saturday and cleaning and laundry on Sunday.
This morning was no different, I was up early even though I heard the rain through the windows and thought that this would have been a perfect day for a lie in.  But no, I was out of the house by 8am doing my usual month end visit to pay the mortgage ( I will not go into the whole, why cant I do it online thing) and off to the supermarket.  The good thing was that the supermarket at such an early hour was empty, well almost and there were no queue's at the checkouts.  But there were still people about.
I could wait for the son to go to the supermarket with me, as carrying 5 heavy bags back is no mean feat and as I don't own a car and  live so close to the mall, I  rely on the buses to carry me back home.  The son is a night person and I am the exact opposite.  I love the mornings and prefer to finish my errands early.  So instead of waiting for him, I just get on with it, heavy grocery bags and all.  Which brings me to my other rant for the day.....people.
They see me coming, I am sure of it, this crazy looking  lady with 5 to 6 heavy supermarket bags, but do they get out of the way, or give me some space..... No.  Do they let me board the bus first..... No.  Do they let me find a spot to put the bags down for a minute.....No.  Do they let me alight first..... No.  Does the bloody bus driver drive in to the bus bay near the shelter to allow me to get off with 5 to 6 bags without getting wet in the heavy rain....... well he had to as I refused to get off and told him to  drive closer to the shelter!!!
then just as I was ready to declare that I hate all people,  a young lady who holds the lift doors for me to let me off as she sees me with so many bags....and faith is restored for just a little while........
So its 10am on Saturday and my day is just beginning as I wait eagerly for the handyman to finish the job on my leaky taps, and dream up what delights I will be cooking.  Just another Saturday morning ..............

the experiment

Its time to start the experiment.  Its all about food .... Gluten Free food!

After my last blood tests for cholesterol etc, I was good for a little while only.  Then came the nights out, the Tapas Bar and Restaurant week,  I haven't been good at all and I have suffered for it.

Lets not talk about the alcohol which I have been consuming copious amounts of, but lets talk about gluten.  I thought it was only wheat that I had developed an intolerance to, but nope its gluten.   It made me bloated and gassy which wasn't very pleasant at all.

So I have decided to experiment, to avoid gluten as much as I can for one month and see if it makes a difference.  I also have declared a one month ban on alcohol.  Well maybe not a total ban.  a drink now and again cant be all that bad!

So for the last few days I have been really good and trying to avoid gluten, and its not that easy...... no cakes, biscuits, malted stuff and there is a debate about Oats having gluten as well.  Our Supermarket does stock some gluten free food and I also bought a packet of "bake your own gluten free bread"  which I have yet to bake.  
Will I make it through one month of gluten free food?  Will it make a difference to my gassy moments?  
Well one can only try!
 

i miss gardening

I miss gardening...
When i was married and living in Malaysia, which seems like a different life altogether, i used to have a garden.  It was my escape in a way, go out there among the plants, weeding, potting, watering, trimming, or simply just admiring the flowers and enjoying the garden.  I had the time to spend out there away from the husband with a very valid excuse to go do things in the garden.  in a world of pots and dirt and flowers I was happy, able to let my mind wander as I sat on a little stool weeding the japanese roses or trimming the ferns.
I have an aunt who used to escape very much like I did.  Her garden was and still is magnificent with fruit trees and flowers growing with abandon.
Now I live in high rise Singapore and with the layout of my home, I dont get alot of direct sun coming into the flat.  I have tried to grow some plants, if the cat hasnt eaten it, they die because of the lack of sunlight or I simply seem to have lost my touch!
As a child I used to play alot in the garden, pretending that the plants were vegetables and I was cooking up an elaborate meal with exotic ingredients.  I had an old shoe box that was my pot and I would sit under a bush talking to myself about the food I was preparing. Escaping into my own little world.
 
I miss that.  I miss the time I could spend outdoors pottering in the garden.  I miss being able to sit under a tree and dream and let my mind wander.  I miss being able to escape