when I am gone

I have a morbid fascination with obituaries.   How they are laid out, the picture and the list of family that mourns them and the way the passing is written. I always wonder how they passed on, it usually doesnt state that in the obituary.
I would like my obituary to be the truth about how I passed on.  If it is a peaceful passing, fell off a building, got hit by a truck, whatever... it should state the real reason I kicked the bucket.  My mother has chosen the picture she wants put in the papers for her obituary.  I havent, but I think every year I should let my sons know which picture to use.  No harm in being prepared.  I would hate to have a lousy picture in the papers!

I dont know who will turn up for my funeral, and I wonder what they will remember about me.  Will I be thought of fondly or will they secretly think 'well didnt really like her so who cares if shes gone"
I wonder if I can make sure that only people I like attend the funeral?  a guest list,  and  those not on the list will be turned away at the door!  I want to be cremated, and I dont want any religious rites performed at my funeral.  I dont follow religion so I dont see the point in a religious ceremony to mark my passing.

What will happen to my facebook page and this blog, or my email accounts?  I guess I will have to give someone I trust the passwords and when I pass on, they can access and shut down what ever is required.
There seems to be alot of planning to do and as one gets older, you dont feel invincible anymore.  You realise that even in death you need to plan ahead
time to make that will and to give someone i trust all the passwords and instructions.........................

why do i blog

Do I blog for me or because I have so much to say and dont know how else to get it off my chest.....
People never listen.  try asking someone how they are or prompt them with questions and you will realize that they will keep talking about themselves and never ask you questions about how you are really doing.

so maybe this blog is because I have things I want to say but no one listens.....

complicated

Why don't they tell you its so complicated.  Why don't they tell you that talking to people and telling the truth just isn't on.  No one tells the truth, no one tells it like it is.
Everyone is afraid of a reaction, a reaction that they wont like, so they don't speak up, they don't tell the real truth.
We keep things to ourselves and  wait perhaps some day, perhaps one day I will have the courage to say it like it is
Will I?  Will I be brave enough to speak up.  Tell people what I really think of them. Tell people if I like or dislike them.  Life is too short to be surrounded by people who stab you in the back.  Life is too short to let yourself be stabbed in the back. Life is too short to sit around and wait to see what if
but will I be brave enough..........

belonging

I have always wanted to know where I came from, no not the birds and the bees stuff, but where did I come from as in place.  When I was younger (much much younger) I realised that I didn't look like the other people in Singapore.  My family and I, we weren't Chinese!!  What were we, where did we come from, were we Singaporeans?  Identity, that's what I was looking for, and it took awhile but I did realise that I was Singaporean but Indian.  It didn't help that my parents didn't conform to the Indian way of bringing us up.  Religion and Indian culture were never a very big part of the household and the thinking was very forward.  We spoke English at home, and it still annoys me when native English speakers say to me with surprise in their voices " you speak very good English"!!  We grew up in the middle of being Indian, Singaporean and in some ways very westernised.  With Dad being a pilot and flying everywhere he brought back to us a different mindset and way of being.  We as kids, absorbed all the multi cultural atmosphere he created with his travels.  We were cosmopolitan before it became fashionable.  I wont say we became less Indian or Asian but just that we were a hybrid of some sorts.

My paternal grandparents moved here from India, (Punjab) in the early 1930's.  My dad was born here but spent the war years in India.  I think it had to do with the fact that he was the only grandson of the only son at that time and with all the unrest, his grandparents insisted that he stay in India while my grandparents went back to Singapore in 1940.  They spent the war years in Singapore, in Middle road actually, and there are plenty of sketchy stories about my granddad being tortured at the hands of the Japanese.   Granddad took the family back to India after the war only to witness the war of partition in India (the British split India and left, leaving Muslims to fight with Hindus and Sikhs).  Granddad came back to Singapore in 1948 with my father, where he set up shop in Changi.  My dad used to tell us stories of him studying under the street lamps and sleeping outside the shop..... most parents tell this to their kids to teach them all about hardships etc, but with my dad it was true!

 My maternal grandfather moved to Singapore as a child of 2, his father came to Singapore in 1913 or so as a clerk first then an interpreter in the British Courts.  My maternal grandfather also served in the British courts as an interpreter.  My granny told us many stories about the war and how they (my grandparents and my mother and her siblings) escaped death just because.... no other reason why the Japanese soldiers didn't gun them down as they did the rest of the people that had been herded into the open street.

The family is spread out with uncles, aunts and cousins in Australia, UK, Canada, US, New Zealand, and those are the ones I know of. My Dads side of the family is very large as his father (my granddad) had 5 sisters and I am not sure how many siblings his mum had though.....  Mums side of the family is smaller but again everyone has spread out across the globe.

Where I come from and my family is important to me.  The village where my Dad came from is still there but alot more modernised now.  We used to go there for our December school holidays in the 70's and then it was  a sleepy little village with no proper sanitation.  Electricity would go off often and we would huddle in the kitchen with the open fire to keep warm and eat our dinner of vegetables that were picked that morning.  The village is still there, my unlce's house is bigger and has all the modern amenities now, even a satellite dish!  the food is still gloriously fresh but alas modernisation is creeping closer, with farmland being sold and factories being set up closer to the village.  I love going back there, even with the chaos of India.

I don't know if I truly belong in Singapore because going back to India makes me feel at home as well.  So its still a journey for me to find where I belong and perhaps like my grandparents before me, I will travel and find another shore to call home

missed him

I missed him this time, when he was away.  We have had our ups and downs in our attempt of a relationship, the downs were difficult as we couldn't decide what we wanted or where this was going.  We still don't know, and I am learning to accept the fact that I cant control all situations (I am trying really hard!!)

We don't live in each others pockets and we aren't really boyfriend and girlfriend.  It is a relationship,  its exclusive, its committed in some way, but its not.  It is also so much more than just friends with benefits.  Am I making sense? ........ I doubt it,  but so far it works.  Which is why missing him this time was frightening. 
Its frightening because there seems to be a shift and I cant explain it.  I have not missed him this way before, I could blame him I suppose,  as he has been a lot more caring and nice.  So really it is his fault for being nice to me!  God help men, if I as a woman can't understand how we rationalise things, what chance do the men have??
But....What we have works and I don't want to fuck it up.  All I know is that I missed him.

the lottery

We all want to win it, except a handful of people I know.  But the rest of us, mere humans, all want to win the big money prize.  I dabble in the local lottery, not religiously, but sometimes, especially when there is the big jackpot.  Humble by international standards, our lottery jackpot is enough for us to queue up patiently and spend a few dollars so that for one day at least we can dream.... what if....
with the tickets safely in my wallet, I spend that day dreaming what if I did win the jackpot.  How would I spend all those dollars?  Who would I share it with, would I share?
Even if our lottery prize isnt enough for us to quit our jobs, it still lets us dream of a more secure future, at least a nest egg for our retirement.
So today I will be dreaming, just for one day only, what if.......

who am I

I am stubborn, well that's what my mum likes to say, but I say I know what I want and I don't compromise. (I have been compromising lately and it didn't feel right)
I like being in control of situations
I procrastinate, if I can leave things to the last minute,  I will
I am always on time, I hate being late
I am indecisive, offer me too many options and I will take forever to make up my mind
I am quiet but that doesn't mean I have nothing to say
Music makes me happy
I like escaping to my own world, into a world of movies or books
I hate being late for a movie, I must watch all the ads and trailers
I cry easily and laugh just as quickly too
I hate being teased or being the centre of attention
I enjoy my own company and am sometimes lonely in a crowd
I am frugal, or as my sister says "am so tight I squeak"......but that's only because I know what it is like to count pennies to pay bills.
I love to dance
I am happy in my own skin, full figured and short but hey that's me
I enjoyed smoking, and if I wasn't asthmatic I would still be smoking
I am practical but love dreaming
My favourite time of day is the morning, fresh brewed coffee and my morning paper makes it complete
I am a creature of habit but change doesn't faze me
I don't judge as I hate being judged
I am spoilt, and like my creature comforts
strange places don't scare me
I love food, taste and texture are important to me
I am passionate about all my causes
I love unconditionally and expect the same in return
I do expect even though expectations can lead to disappointments
who am I

I am me

being faithful

I have always been a one man woman.  I wonder about men though.  based on all the "facts" out there, men tend to stray more than women, although recent reports indicate that women are now doing the cuckolding.

The ex husband was a philanderer of the worst kind (although I doubt there is a good kind) and that was one of the millions of reasons why I left him.  After the divorce, I found out about all the women that he had bedded and although I did suspect based purely on instinct, I just didn't realise how many of them there were!
It really shook me hard, I lost all confidence in myself as a woman.
Which is why it has taken me so long to try to find a special someone.
How do you know if he is the right person?  How do you know that this person wont hurt you deliberately.  How do you open up and let this one person in, on all your secrets and fears.  I have had my confidence shattered and I don't want a repeat of that.  With this attempt of a relationship I am slowly learning to trust.  But its got to be mutual, the trust and sharing of secrets and fears.
Its all about trust, faith, mutual respect, that's what a real relationship is all about.  the sharing of your whole being,  life, fears and secrets with someone special.  That's how I see it, I wonder if he does too........

feeling old

I have a bad back and it rears its ugly head occasionally when I try to do too much lifting of heavy things.  Last week I was clearing the cupboards in the office and on Friday evening I knew I was in for a bad spell of back ache.  So today I am resting at home, in bed with the sons old laptop propped by my side.
But I did have to go to the Doctors to get my  medication and a little slip of paper  that says I am medically unfit to work for the day.  So off I went slowly with an umbrella acting as a walking stick, to the docs.
walking slowly made me realise what it would be like to get old and have an unsteady gait and slower reflexes.
I see it in my mum, I see her slow down and she cant walk as fast as she used to, and her knees aren't in good condition so stairs are hard for her.
We don't realise how hard it is for the older folk, they walk slower and people in a hurry click their tongues in impatience at them and brush past them without considering that if they pushed a bit too hard, the older folk could actually fall.  I experienced that today, with my walking stick and bad back, I walked slowly and had several people make chichak noises behind me and brush past me impatiently.  They could have said "excuse me and waited till I could move aside for them.  We are all getting too impatient, we are all forgetting that one day we will all get old and slow down.
so from today I am not going to be impatient with the older folk if they are walking slowly in front of me as I know that one day it could be me......

eating out

It takes alot for me to go out and have dinner or lunch or brunch even.  While I do enjoy the occasional night out with family or friends, I mostly like staying home and reading, watching TV, getting on You tube.  However I am trying to go out more and try new restaurants.  There are a dozen blogs already on food and the restaurant scene here in Singapore and no I will not be going down that path.
I think the Asian culture is very much centred around food, any occasion and we will cook or go out to eat.  My parents entertained alot, there were always parties in the house with lots of food and drinks and as we grew older, we participated in the cooking with mum. My brother and I have a good relationship in the kitchen, he dreams, creates the menu and I do!  well actually he does help but his time management sucks and I try very hard to steer the menu back to simple!
But back to eating out
It was my sisters birthday recently and mum and I treated her to dinner at an Italian restaurant in Greendale avenue.  We used to just go to the more familiar places and eat the same old stuff but I wanted something different and thank goodness my sister felt the same. The restaurant was small but it had outdoor seating as well, which is where we sat.  It was a covered area with decking.  It looked very nice but every time a waiter walked past us, the whole floor shook.  That kind of marred the whole experience, anyway... We ordered the antipasto platter and on it was the biggest mozzarella I have ever seen.  It was absolutely divine!  I was pleased as punch that I had moved out of my comfort zone and tried a new place to eat!  That Mozzarella made my week!
Anyway we have decided that once a month we will head out for dinner and try some place new.  Next month after Valentines day (no one in their right mind will eat out on valentines day!) we will head out to try Spanish tapas. We will take Mum along with us too but hmm we may have to gently guide her on the etiquette of complaining in a restaurant!

date with sherlock

escapism in the form of movies. my favourite pastime.  I have spent many a days alone in the cinema watching my heroes on screen.  I  go to the movies on my own, I don't think it is a social thing.  how on earth do you sit in the dark with friends and watch a movie, there cant be any talking or sharing of experiences so why bother going with friends!  It is me time, time for me to enjoy that little  bit of escapism.

I went for a movie today, to watch Sherlock Holmes.  I got all excited, got my ticket, the popcorn and sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the ads to come on then the trailers and of course then the movie.  That didn't happen today..... I sat there with my popcorn, waiting for the ads when in the darkness (and it was extremely dark) a woman's voice called out to tell us that there had been a short circuit and could we please be patient for the movie to come on.  15 minutes later, no movie.  we were told they couldn't fix the problem, so out we trooped.  Popcorn in hand, I got my refund and a complimentary ticket and headed home, disappointed that I didn't have my date with Sherlock.
UPDATE - I lost the complimentary ticket!
But I did finally have my date with Sherlock....and he didnt disappoint!

another new year

well its the end of another year.  Have I done everything I wanted to do.....of course not.  I made a resolution this year (2011) to learn how to drive.  I didnt even come close to achieving that!
so this year no resolutions no planned itineraries ....oh wait
maybe that could be my resolution
not to make any plans and see how life goes.......
can I do that I wonder, me the planner, the control freak.
I suppose some planning should be fine, like planning my travel for the year and what I would like to see and do.  Planning my future at work as well will need some planning or some vision.  My personal life now thats where I can learn how to let go and just enjoy what I have.  No more obsessing, no more being driven and wanting to control situations.
so my non resolution for 2012 will be to enjoy life, no obsessing, minimum control and....... oh bloody hell it sounds like another plan!!

price of progress

Is tourism progress?  Does it bring in needed dollars into the economy to help small towns and forgotten cities to flourish, prosper and regain some of the splendour of times gone by.  Or does it bring about chaos, with hordes of tourists.  The once slightly decaying streets with their old grandeur turn into cheap gaudy stores with tourist trinkets.  I took a one day trip to Malacca and I found the old city bursting at the seams with hordes of hungry tourists from the region, determined to spend their time and money wandering the heritage trails of Malacca.  To me it just looked to be adding to the destruction of the heritage.

Conservation of the world heritage site doesn't seem to be done properly and this is my opinion only, but somehow the progress of the tourist trade seems to have spoilt the feel of the whole Heritage thing.  I wandered the small lanes and I stumbled upon old houses, grand dames of the past, crumbling but still magnificent.  Old styles and architecture fading into decay, restoration probably too expensive for the families, so they leave them to rot.  It kind of reminded me of a grand old lady,  trying to live quietly, and  all she wants is to be left alone to remember her old glory days, but somehow they wont leave her alone, they dress her up with too much make up and glitter and make a sorry exhibition of her.

 The once humble trishaws now are trussed up with displays of  plastic flowers and music blaring loudly to attract tourists, to take a small trip around the heritage areas.

I know there is a price to pay for progress, and we can't sit and look through to the past and wish for things to be the way they were.  But how I wish we could allow progress in slowly and do it properly, keep our heritage and teach the younger generation to develop and nurture it instead of turning everything into a theme park!

 There is so much to conserve in Malacca, Jonker street with those pretty roofs and interesting walls, the old church on the hill, the dutch and british buildings.  Am I one of the old souls that wants to remember the past of these old cities and keep those buildings intact rather than bulldoze everything into the 21st century.   Am I too romantic in my thinking that progress shouldnt be at such a heavy price?

 All I know is that I was disappointed with the trip, to see a city that I hadnt't seen in twenty years, take the plunge into just another tourist vacation spot.

weight (mis)management

I have a love affair with bread
All sorts of bread, ......... with butter, jams, all sorts of luscious spreads...........
Comfort food to me is hot toast slathered with butter and a generous sprinkling of sugar.  Yummm!
I have recently realised that as I inch up the ladder of  maturity, my digestive system doesn't want to cooperate anymore.  It doesn't let me eat what I want.  It doesn't let me indulge in an orgy of eating bread!  I am  now in the wheat intolerant bracket.  It  bloats me, it makes me windy, it makes me  uncomfortable!  Oh how I wept when I realised I couldn't indulge in my favourite comfort food.
 I was never any good at taking advice, and it frustrates me that I now have to heed all the advice that the doctors give out.   I suppose indulging in bread and toast occasionally isn't too bad and I am looking for alternatives to wheat, like spelt but it doesn't help that I keep putting off the visit to the health food shop.  So for a few more weeks, I can still indulge in all that lovely wheat!
My grandmother used to tell me years ago, to eat what I wanted when I was younger because as one got older one couldn't indulge in rich foods.  She used to be very careful in everything she ate and I was a bit puzzled about why she controlled her eating.   Now I know why!  I do not want to be that old granny that farts and burps loudly all the time just because my digestive system cant cope!
So back to the whole managing or should I say mis managing my weight.  I lose weight and can put it back on within a few days of indulging in all the evils (carbs and all that lovely holiday food now).  I still haven't started some form of exercise and I am due for another blood test to check my cholesterol and sugar levels (I confidently told the doctor that I wanted a retest in three months as I would now be a good girl and eat right.....delusional,  that is me).  I have a month before the next blood test, and it is the Christmas season, with supermarket shelves full of mince pies, puddings, chocolates, cheeses, hams... oh my,  the temptations are endless!
I am not going to make any New Year resolution about my weight and exercising as I  never keep them. I will probably go through 2012, with the same seesawing weight gain and loss.  Added incentive would be that I have all that lovely lingerie that I want to wear for .....

Hmm time to get off my ever increasing backside and start eating right and exercising...... after all,  I do want to feel confident enough to wear that black lace thingy for him....

hamsters

I want to be my own boss.....who doesn't.  But like the rest of humanity I get up in the morning, get ready, go to work, work at some job because I have to then go home at the end of the day and continue the cycle again the next day.  Like little hamsters we go round and round and the only time we trade wheels is when we get sick or take a holiday.  then we get back on the old work and life wheel .........
I want to get off the damn wheel
I want to live my life and do what  I want to do....... the mantra of a lot of us but none of us actually do anything about it.
Will I be different?  Will I get off the wheel and do it my way

pissed again

so we had our office Christmas party a few days ago and it was a rip roaring affair, with alot of tequila shots and more tequila shots.

I do enjoy the occasional tipple and sometimes I do get pissed, plastered and pass out drunk!  its in all the HR articles, all the What not to do at the office party, don't get drunk!  well i did !

It was a damn good party, alot of fun and  everyone let their hair down and made the effort to dress up in the theme "A Hawaiian Christmas".  The atmosphere was fun, and full of camaraderie that I could not help myself!
I was so sure that I could handle the drinks and stay on a maximum of 3 drinks the whole day....... oh how I lie to myself!  I like tequila, I like tequila shots.... a little too much.  After the 10th shot I couldn't count anymore and so at 6.30pm on a Friday evening I was put into a cab headed for home, totally pissed in the back seat.
The next morning I did wonder how on earth did I manage to  pay the cab, and make my way up in the lift and safely home.  Some risks are worth taking but honestly this was dangerous!  will I get pissed again? probably!  in the near future, Probably not!
Well one can hope!

half a fucking century

That will be me soon, half a century of being on this planet.
I want to celebrate it by travelling to places I have always wanted to visit.  like Rome, Florence, Venice, Paris.  I don't want to rush it.  I want to spend all day in a museum, I want to spend all day sitting in a cafe watching the world go by.  I want to just go and enjoy myself and not worry about work, or family or laundry! I want to get my bottom pinched in Italy, hopefully!
I don't mind getting older, I just don't like that I will be getting wrinkly.  Thanks to the family genes , I wont look my age at all for sometime yet, yes yes being hopelessly modest here!  Its the other changes that worry me too, the dreaded change that women go through.   Hot flashes, mood swings, depression..... the choice of taking hormone replacement and put on kilos instantly but have some relief from the hot flashes.  lets not talk about the "dryness" ................oh lets!!
I like sex,  I enjoy it immensely.  Its not just the act, its the whole touchy feely thing so the thought that as you get older you don't feel like having sex and you dry out, is scary.

Its a new chapter I guess, when I turn 50.  Time to pursue my passions, my interests, my things.  I should name this the me decade, time for me.    But you know something, me alone isn't quite fun, you have to have someone special to share it with.

life

It never turns out the way you want it to does it.  The plans you make, somehow one wrong turn and life just takes on a strange twist.  You wake up one morning and think I didn't sign up for this, I don't want this life, how do I make things right.
For years I drifted, I felt like I was sleep walking. I lost decades doing things that someone else told me to do.  Its taken a few years to shake myself out of this stupor, and to discover things all over again.

I haven't found all the answers, I havent found the key to happiness, what I have found is that we make our own happiness, we make our own destiny.  Its not anyones fault.  I take full responsibility for my life, the ups and the downs and all my choices.  I take full responsibility for my own happiness, sad days, bad days, good days, its all me, its all my life.

can men and women be just friends

I have always wondered if men and women can just be friends. I always thought it was possible, but certain developments recently have kind of made me rethink that perhaps its difficult.

In one of my earlier posts on dating I talked about men friends and going out for dinner with them occasionally. Just dinner with a friend.  Well once again my naivety has got in the way of my instincts.
Recently man friend 1 decided to ask me where I wanted it to go!!  I didn't realise that he had thought that it was more than just dinner with a friend.  I am not someone who has had several relationships so I have no experience on how to talk to men about this, so its hard for me to tell MF1 that Its only dinner as friends and I don't see it going anywhere else.  Besides, I am in a kind of relationship.   This of course does beg the question of whether I can still go out with other men friends just for dinner or drinks or even a movie?
Which ultimately also begs the question if men and women can be just friends?

violence and control

There is this article in the Sunday Times today on domestic violence.  A school counsellor wrote a book and the recent publication of the said book prompted the article in the papers.
The article brought back memories, horrible memories of what it was like for me in my own home.
My ex husband was controlling, jealous, suspicious and when things were not to his liking he would make sure I knew damn well how to behave.
I wasn't allowed to have an opinion, I had to agree with him in everything he said. As the kids grew up the violence slowed a little but abuse continued, emotional abuse.  He controlled every aspect of who I was, what I said, what I wore and how I behaved,  I became timid, without a mind of my own.
People ask me now, why didn't I just leave him.  I couldn't, he threatened to kill me, my father, my mother, my siblings.  When your whole life is taken over by fear, you will believe anything.

The violence was always directed towards me, and slowly the emotional abuse started to be directed towards the kids and  one day he finally went too far with my son, that was it.  That was the day I said no more.  I stood up to him and said no more.  I was still afraid but I wasn't going to let him hurt my boys.  I am not afraid anymore but the damage is done.  I left him in 1995, I haven't been able to trust anyone or have a relationship with any man since.  In the beginning I told myself that I was doing it for the kids, I couldnt bring another man into the home for their sake.  Looking back I think I just didn't want to let a man have that kind of control over me.

I want to have control so much that I can't let go and its hurting me now in that I can't just be.  I am trying though, and this "relationship" that I have now has had its ups and downs but mostly its been good.  better than good actually.  I have my space and he doesn't expect too much as i don't know how much I can give.  Its been hard for me as I am still trying to come to terms with what I really want.  I trust him completely and that's the first hurdle for me.  There are still barriers, walls that I have put up and I wonder if he will be patient with me as I notice the walls crumbling slowly.  So bit by bit I let go of my obsession with having control and I learn to just let things be.