the other relationship

We have several relationships at one time, as long as you have something to do with another person or thing, it is a relationship.  You can have a relationship with your hairdresser, your banker, your electrician, your parents, your kids, it goes on and on... You can also have a relationship with food, and for some of us it can become an obsession.  Its all about food, the tastes, the aromas, the textures.....

I had dinner with some friends recently and I tried deep fried Fish Skins for the first time!  They looked totally unappetising, gnarled, dried looking curly  pale bits.  They tasted divine though and they had their own dipping sauce! I suppose anything that is deep fried will taste good, but these seem to be the perfect accompaniment to a cold beer!  Maybe pubs should start selling this instead of the usual nachos and fries.  Speaking of Nachos in Edinburgh my sister and I went into a pub and had cider and Haggis Nachos.  Now those Nachos were good!  It was my first taste of Haggis and I think it was a good way of introducing a new food….. put it in Nachos!

It is an unhealthy obsession, food.  It is also a comfort  and thats when it becomes a problem.  I tell everyone that I am always on a diet and I am.  I have been on a diet for the last 15 years. I now say its a lifestyle change (yeah right!)
There was the lets not eat just have alcohol diet, which did have its drawbacks!
then there was the eat only salad diet (did you know salad leaves give you gas!!)
then there was the atkins diet (or my version of atkins)
then there was the cabbage soup diet ( this had to be the worst one ever)
The list is endless, so finally I decided to eat healthy and avoid foods that I knew were making me bloated, gassy and just fat (this meant no more big bar of hazelnut cadburys chocolate for dinner)

So far so good, but its hard, hard to keep the weight down.  Exercise to me has always been a dirty word, I will walk and thats about it as thats the only physical activity I enjoy (unless we add sex to the list of activities)  The only other activity or exercise I do do is housework.
 Housework may be a weekly thing, unless I decide to declare the weekend as a non domestic chore day.

so thats my "other" relationship.....the food, that I cant eat because i am supposed to be on a diet.....but that doesnt stop me wanting more.  Hmm I wonder if that relates to all our other relationships........

little horrors

I never liked children, and I actually still don't like them very much.  I never volunteer to baby sit, never have, and the few times it was thrust upon me when I was a teenager, only made me think that I would never have children of my own.  I did end up having children.  I can't imagine my life without them now of course!

I was never the maternal sort and I don't think I am now either.  When my babies were little, I never really got into the whole baby talk and thought it was pointless to indulge in goo goo gaga stuff.
I don't smile at babies when I see them in the lifts. Parents look at you with their bundle of joy in their arms and they have this look on their faces like " well aren't you going to say anything to my beautiful baby!!"  What does one say?  I have tried to smile at babies and engage in some "conversation"  and all I usually end up saying is "hello baby"  Repeat several times while wiggling fingers in front of said baby!  Duty done now let me out of the damn lift!  Parents also try to hand you their squirming bundle of joy, Its like "give me 5 mins please, take this child off my hands!"  No Thank You!

When my boys were young, their father wasn't around much for them and I ended up being both parents.  I would watch football with them, and I think my interest in sports (watching only thank you) developed only because I would try to get involved in what they were interested in.  It wasn't easy, and I of course made mistakes along the way, especially after the divorce.  It took me a couple of years after the divorce to start thinking as head of the family, to make the decisions and to steer the boys in the right direction.  I am thankful that they managed to get on the right path, but there was a time when I thought my older one was lost to me and society in general.
I was strict with the boys in some ways, especially about manners,  I didn't care if they dyed their hair Orange (older son was going for the blonde look but...) or if they got piercings or tattoos.  My only wish was for them to be decent, honest, gracious human beings. 
My older son is the metro sexual male, and till today my younger one calls him my "daughter" as he talks openly to me about everything.  He is the neat clean one, and his bedroom was never messy.  He is more aloof with strangers (I wonder where he got that from) but once he warms to you, watch out for the charm!  The younger one is the mans man, sports mad, chauvinist, but oh so charming.  My dad got it right when he said that that one could sell snow to the Eskimos! Somehow he managed to convince me that he was doing me the favour while  I do  his laundry, all the cleaning and the cooking at home...... I am in search of very strong pair of scissors to cut the iron clad apron strings!

It has been an adventure with my little horrors (or as one cousin calls them Cloak &  Dagger) and even if it was a disaster of a marriage, I  think that I did get some good out of it, two wonderful things in fact!

the foreign workers pin up girl

well not all foreign workers, just those from the Indian subcontinent and for all you philistines out there, its the Bangladeshis, Indians, Pakistani (and in some cases Sri Lankan) workers.  and no they aren't all the same!
It must be my ample bosom and well rounded bottom that appeals to these men cos most days when I walk from the bus stop to  the office I get ogled at by these men.
Are they more open about their ogling I wonder, or is it that they are the only attention I seem to attract!
We do like to be appreciated but being ogled at is quite another thing.  And its not just ogling openly, it is gawking, mouth open, staring, they follow you with their heads turning to watch you walk by!
I understand that,  where they come from women are not seen openly very often. (yes in rural areas, women mostly stay home and most of these foreign workers are from the rural back waters.) it is a form of cultural shock to these poor men.  Perhaps there should be a form of training for them on how to behave in a foreign land and how not to gawk, stare and ogle women!

inked

On the surface I appear to be a very straight laced woman.  Some have also said a very stern looking woman.  Oh if only they knew!

I got my first tattoo in London in 1999.  My sister had already got one and I was fascinated with it!  I wanted one too.

The tattoo artist was a burly Irish man and he did scare me a little, I needn't have worried as it turned out that  he had a very tender touch! My sister wanted another one and I wanted my first one, and somehow we both decided to get a little butterfly on our left breast.  I cant remember who went first but within 15 mins I was no longer a tattoo virgin!  I had been Inked!

As tattoos go its a small one, the size of a Singaporean 20 cent coin, which is pretty small.

They say (one day i have to find out who "they" are) once you get inked you cant stop, and I was itching to get another one and I finally did a few years later on my right shoulder.  No 2 was done in Singapore and I was surprised that I had to hand over my identity card to register my tattoo!!

My body art has meaning, they aren't random bits of ink that I happen to see and suddenty decide I want.  All of them were done only after careful consideration.  No 1 the  butterfly,  to me it symbolised freedom and time to spread my wings.  the second is a Celtic cross and it is the crosses I bear.

I got two more in 2008 .  These were bigger,much bigger.  No 3 is two stars in red and black, and it is for  my two sons, the stars in my life.  the fourth one is a heart done in the Maori design ( I got this done in Auckland, and my uncle drove me there and picked me up after!) and it signifies that my heart is now open.  No 3 & 4 are on my lower back but not low enough to qualify as a tramp stamp ( I hope)

Will I get Inked again?

sadie the cleaning lady.... return of the domestic goddess

My sister in Perth likes to call me Sadie the cleaning lady, apt i suppose as i do like to clean and cook but I of course prefer the title "Domestic Goddess"
 I like the feel of clean floors, dust free shelves and the smell of fresh laundry.   I enjoy doing the physical work of cleaning and dusting and cooking and laundry especially after being in the office all week.  It gives me great satisfaction to sit down at the end of the day and smell the clean in the air. The cleaning and cooking and lets not forget errands, usually occupy my whole weekend  and I grumble about doing it all and having no time to do anything else when deep down I actually like it!  I like being alone and doing all these thing!
I hired a part time maid recently and I fired her too.  She just didnt clean properly!  I admit, I am fussy, I do like to know that the place has been cleaned instead of wondering if the maid has been.  It should shout out to you " I am a clean home" I am willing to pay to have someone come clean for me but I always have trouble as either it turns out they arent legally supposed to be doing part time cleaning or they just not up to my expectations.
I try to plan the weeks menu in my head and know what to buy from the markets so that during the week its easy to take things out of the freezer and make sure I have a good dinner when I want one. I am not one of those that likes to eat out, I would prefer a salad or a sandwich to any hawker/restaurant food anytime.
My favourite dinner of course is breakfast.  Give me cereal or a fried egg and cheese sandwich or even a
scrambled egg with toast for dinner and I am your friend for life!
Its Sunday today and I am up and about and have been to the supermarket, laundry done and am now going to cook a couple of things for dinner and for the freezer.  I am actually excited at the prospect of cooking then cleaning the flat!
somebody help me please!!
 

mutton dressed as lamb

image from google

is that me??  how do i know if i am too "old" to wear a certain type of outfit? As a woman of a "certain" age, I do have to be careful not to cross the proverbial line from classy to Oh my god did you see what she was wearing!
My dress sense (or lack of it) is more geared towards hippy chic.  I would love to be able to just dress down all the time in jeans or shorts and leggings( yes i still like my leggings and am ecstatic that it is back in fashion). Occasionally I do like to dress up in dresses and skirts but not in stuffy corporate suits and skirts.   I am fortunate that I work in event management and although when  required for on site work at an event, was in formal black attire, the usual days in the office were "dress to please yourself, just don't be vulgar", which suited me to a T.  As I move up in the years category I find that I struggle with knowing what a woman of a "certain" age can and cannot wear.  Magazines and shops are geared towards the skinny young people, the older women are supposed to go shop in frumpy stores that are dated and hideous.  I feel a little out of place in trendy shops with house music blasting from the speakers but I do venture in and honestly, I hurry out pretty quickly as I get curious looks from the sales personnel.
High street labels target the majority of women in the 20's to early 30's.  These are the women that are out there and have the disposable income to go shop.  What about us though, the older woman, we are at an age where we have sent our kids to university, we are in comfortable positions at work and also have disposable incomes to burn on fashionable outfits.  With older women more concious about their figures, eating right and exercising (yes i have to start that....soon), the matured older woman isnt a frumpy overweight figure anymore.  But.... we dont all want to be in designer dresses ( we still cant afford that) or in something totally inappropriate.  So, older women out there, where do you shop?  Where do you go to find that type of style that suits our advancing age without crossing the line.  Where do you go to find clothes that arent in size 0 - 4 that suit only Stick Insects (thank you Bridget Jones for this description).
For now I will continue to trawl the high street shops, try desperately to remember that I am not 25 and if  a few wardrobe malfunctions happen then so be it!

the holiday

It all started with an email, to attend a wedding in London.
That got me all excited about a trip to the UK and this time I was determined to go do some tourist things and not just visit with relatives.
I planned in advance,  our tickets (the son accompanied me on this jaunt), we got exceptional deals on our national carrier with a direct flight.  planned our accommodation and booked it, planned my daily itinerary to the last detail and planned my gift buying carefully so that I could be well packed and set a couple of days before we flew off.  If you know me well enough, you would know I do sometimes let things wait till the last minute then rush around frantically trying to get everything done.  this time I was determined it would be different.
oh how the best laid plans always go awry!
We were to leave on Wednesday the 26th and on Sunday 23rd  I began to feel a bad twinge in my back and I thought to myself that I should rest on Sunday and just watch  the rugby world cup final and the MotoGP (the Sepang race was called off  due to the tragic death of one of the riders - see earlier post)
Monday morning came and I couldn't move, I couldn't even get out of bed to go pee.  I was in so much pain, it was excruciating.  I was flying 13 hours to London in 2 days!!  I couldn't even get out of bed to go see a doc, and thank goodness the son managed to go get some medication for me and a hot water bottle ( my new favourite thing).  I still had to change money, pack, wash the bathrooms, buy cat food, get my inhaler (spare one) what was that about doing it different and plan better??

By the time Wednesday morning rolled around I was mobile enough to get to the airport and on the flight fully drugged and medicated of course!  I am a morning person, I like to get things done in the morning, and this includes getting on a flight.  The son however is quite the opposite, he had moaned about the time of the flight and he did go on about some concert he was attending the night before.....Next time I will listen better so that at 6.50am I won't be yelling and cursing at the son to get up as we had to be at the airport at 7.30am.

We managed to get there on time and thank goodness the flight wasn't full.  As flights go, a direct 13 hour flight isnt so bad as long as there are enough movies to occupy your time and if you get enough to eat.   Airlines seem to have cut their budgets for meals and they have stopped feeding passengers!  I for one am not happy cos I like airline food!  Yes I do.  I like opening the cover and wondering if that unappealing  food can actually taste good!  Call me strange!!
So after 5 movies that I don't remember and way too little food, we arrived in London.
For the first time my sister wasnt picking us up from the airport and it felt strange, very strange, and we hadnt arranged a mini cab either.  I had poured over the map of the underground and trains to see the best way to get from Heathrow to central London.  Taxi!!

It is something I will not repeat.  it was a pleasant enough experience, just that at the end of the journey I felt like I was being robbed!!

The wedding was over, and the son went to stay with his friend while my sister and I headed north to Warrington ( to visit the cousin) and then on to Edinburgh.  With my back still not 100% I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to enjoy Edinburgh and all the sights.  Thank goodness for pills and my new favourite thing, the hot water bottle.  yes Brad (the hot water bottle, named after Brad Pitt as thats what I would like to keep me warm on a cold night) was packed into my bag and came to the UK with me.

London used to be my favourite city, it had so much promise, with all the little lanes and the history.  It was magical, imagining how people lived and what they did.  This time though I found it different, it was too crowded and dirty.  I liked Edinburgh though, Scotland is now on the list as one place to explore further.

I didnt manage to do all the touristy things I wanted to do.  Son suggested we go to Highgate Cemetery and that was a surreal experience, what spoilt it was the walk from Highgate Cemetery to Emirates Stadium.  it was close he said........ one hour later when we finally reached it, i did wonder why on earth didnt I stop him and say "lets take a bus!"

The plan for 2012 is to go to Paris and Tuscany, not sure when but I really want to do that next year, perhaps I may add Scotland to that list too

the art of sensuality

I have noticed that  women are becoming less womanly, less sensual.  I love being a woman, I enjoy being a woman.  I have never ever wanted to be a man, never thought that things could be better only if I had been born a male.  I am not a girly girl, I don't like pink ribbons or pink cuddly toys or anything to do with Hello Kitty.  I do however like to dress up ( sometimes) and wear high heels, put on make up and play with my earrings and bangles and chains etc etc.  I also enjoy buying lingerie and wearing it.  Yes,  for the man. 
Women may dress for other women but we buy and wear lingerie for our men.  If they tell you any different they are lying through their teeth!  The reaction alone from your man should be enough for you to want to go buy lingerie and see the look of wonder and sheer delight on their faces!

Can women be feminists and sensual she devils? Has it become such that women feel that  they need to be ashamed to want to go out and buy lingerie and let their sensuality shine through.
I like to believe that I am both, the feminist and the sensual sex goddess.  An independent, hard working, sometimes grumpy, sensual woman.
I do not have the perfect figure, I do however try to work at it (I still have to start my exercise routine though)
but that doesn't stop me from buying lingerie that I think will heighten the experience.  Knowing full well that men are visual creatures, why don't we do more to enhance that.  As far as the men are concerned, they don't even see our wobbly bits that we are trying so desperately hard to hide in cotton pyjamas or flannel nightwear!

It is hard for women, to try to be the sensual sex goddess every day especially with  work, or after putting the kids to bed and after doing all the dishes.  But who says it has to be every night. who says you have to try to do it all in one day.  We do have our "i feel fat days" and we also have our "i feel sexy days"  so why do we feel that we shouldn't act on that and bring a little spice and sensuality into our mundane lives!

I know of several women who cant be bothered with lingerie and it is those same women who complain that their men/husbands/partners aren't paying them enough attention and don't bother to help around the house.  I wonder if we women gave the men some incentives, would they still ignore us!  It isn't taking a step back and wasting all the effort and sacrifices that women made to get the vote and to be independent.  It is just another step in the direction of evolution.  I watch Mad Men,I watch the way men treated women.  It was not pleasant, I do not want it to go back to the way it was. I want it to evolve to women being sensual women again and still being able to go out there and be corporate hard headed bitches.

Wouldn't it be nice to sometimes to let the guard down and just be seductively sensual!

so what happened to the dating

I don't know what happened,  but in July I told myself that I  wanted to have someone just for me, and I built up in my mind this ideal picture of what a relationship is supposed to be.  It had to tick all the right boxes, it had to  be exactly correct to be the perfect relationship!
I was delusional!
There is no such thing as the perfect relationship.  Its supposed to be perfect according to the individuals that are in it!  Has it taken me 40 odd (and add a few more years here) years to realise that?  Obviously it has...
I was so enamoured with the idea of the perfect relationship and how it is supposed to be that I could have lost something that means everything.  The failed attempt of a relationship hadn't really failed.  It was just different.

RIP Marco Simoncelli

On October 23rd 2011 in Sepang Malaysia, a very young and talented MotoGP rider died.

I have been a fan of motor sports for a very long time, but it was more the F1 rather than the bikes.  My older son  used to watch the MotoGP and he used to tell me that it was so much more interesting than the cars.  He was right.  I watched the races and fell in love with the speed, the precision and the way they took corners.  Marco  Simoncelli was a young exciting rider who moved into the motogp class in 2010.  He was aggressive and had the balls to race with flair and grace.  I watched him for quite a few years, grow and get better and irritate others and make his mark on the circuit.

I wasnt watching the race that day, it was also the Rugby World Cup Final and I thought I would switch over at half time to see how the MotoGp race was going on.  When I switched over the race wasnt on, and the commentators were discussing and talking about whether the race would continue after it had been red flagged.  it meant only one thing, that there was a serious incident on track.

I dont usually cry when famous people pass on, even if I am a big fan of theirs.  I cried when Aryton Senna died.  I cried again that day when Marco Simoncelli died.  A very young and talented rider that died in an extremely horrific crash.

my daily prayer

dear God

please let me be humble
please let me be nice
please let me ignore the fools
and don't let me eat rice

please let me sometimes be right
please let me always be strong
please let me sometimes win fights
and not always be wrong

the 24hr shopping paradise

There is a store here on our tiny little red dot of an island that has become a must visit place for all tourists and locals alike.  It stocks just about everything one can imagine.  From electronics, gadgets, sportswear, gold jewelery, every grocery item imaginable, sporting goods, toiletries, perishables, the list is endless.
Too good to be true..... yes!
What you get for 24hr shopping for everything is crowds and chaos.  Chaos not by the crowds, but by the store itself.  It has expanded over the years and now covers one street length of a few floors of shopping (dis)pleasure.
The aisles are narrow, the stock is badly displayed, there is hardly any room to manoeuvre yourself, let alone a trolley.  The checkout counters are spread all over the store at odd locations and leave no room for anyone to line up or even know which way to face.  They treat each customer as a potential shoplifter.  However I must say that customer service has improved tremendously, now you can actually get a response from the staff on where to find things!  Seriously though, they have improved, they are now sullen but polite.
Always go there when you aren't in a hurry or hungry.  That way you won't feel too stressed when trying to negotiate the narrow aisles and crowds.  That way you also can stroll in your own world and marvel at the range of  sardines they stock, and the amazing amount of Indian spices and curry powders.  Ignoring the chaos and mess, and when I am in a good mood, I actually love going there to look for interesting canned goods and spices from all over the world. Looking for a gag gift for a loved one, they stock an interesting array of "decor" items that make you want to buy it and give it as a present just to see the look on the receivers face!
I was there yesterday, had a ball in the new section as it wasnt very crowded.  However it didnt have all the items I needed, I still had to ask for the popadum section and was told  that I had to go over to the old building.  I think I did stare at the man dumbfounded for a whole minute, but resigned to my fate, I trekked back to the old section and again had a blast looking at the variety of items.  I did leave with more than I went there for, even if I did make a list. 
So forget the lists, forget the fact that the customer is always right and head to our tourist attraction in Syed Alwi road and marvel at the store that is Mustaffas!

singlish

The ruling elite here think we should speak proper English. Singlish which is our unique hybrid is frowned upon and widely discouraged.  I love Singlish!  It is an interesting way of speaking and no one else does it the way we do!  As it is, our minds and actions are already controlled enough, please leave us be and let us continue speaking Singlish.

I should start a campaign (as opposed to the speak good English one) on lets speak Singlish!!
My sister in Australia is appalled that I advocate speaking Singlish.  We grew up in a household where Dad made us speak proper English, we were not allowed to say lah!  A convent education also helped drill into us the correct and proper way to speak.  Don't you think Singlish is so much easier?  For example  one can say in proper English ( or my version of proper English as I am not an educator or some professor of the language so ignore all the flaws in my grammar)  " How do you think we can solve this problem"  or in Singlish it would be " so How??"  or my favourite.  "Do you think this is possible"  and the Singlish version would be " Can or not??"


Simpler!  easier!  and just as effective!  I use Singlish daily in my interactions with people I work with, at home however, we do speak in full sentences.  If I tried to speak proper English to the hawkers I doubt I would get very far, I'd probably be laughed at or scolded or worse, ignored!


I don't see what the fuss is all about, why is speaking Singlish considered so bad?  So what if the tourists can't understand us?  We cant understand them either, and it isn't because we cant speak English, its because of the accents.   I actually like accents, its musical.  you can tell a Malaysian Chinese from a Singaporean Chinese just by the accent,  and of course a China Chinese is easier to spot.  Same goes for an Indian Indian and a Singaporean Indian.  but that's a whole different topic altogether!

So lets embrace Singlish, its one thing that sets us apart from the rest.  Who wants to sound just like everyone else anyway. 

do as i say and not as i do

I have been guilty of preaching, yes indeed, I preach and act like I am the perfect person and everyone else is wrong.  I give advice freely ( and yes have been guilty of giving it when it wasnt asked for) and click my tongue when they dont listen and say "see i told you so".  Its hard to come down to reality and hear it from someone else that I am not always right.  Recently I gave a friend some advice on dating ( dont laugh) and i could actually hear my own words as my mouth formed them and I stopped myself.  I couldnt believe myself.  I was giving her advice on what not to do when I was guilty of doing exactly the same thing!
I preach and I hate it. Time to stop and think before I open my mouth.  That will be difficult, I am more the, open mouth, stick foot in, then try to extract foot, type.  I used to be unbearable, I used to tell my brother how to raise his children.  I was insufferable, but I am happy to report that I realised it pretty quickly and I stopped.  I am afraid that I will end up like my mother ( I love you mum but...) so my kids have been told, to buy a shot gun and shoot me if I become like my mother.  They have to correct me discreetly from now by calling me 'Sharan' everytime I act pompous (Sharan being my mothers name)
But I digress.....
I have to stop giving advice especially as I increasingly find myself doing the exact opposite of all that damn advice I so freely give out.

no more people please

If you read the papers you would know that in the "only" main English language paper today, there was mention of something  along the lines of better rail access will bring about more patronage of the rail way system as the new vehicle quota will be slowed down etc etc.  Now they also stated that we currently have a population of 5.18 million people on our tiny little red dot of an island and wait for it..... they are expecting it to grow to 6.5 million within the decade!!
Are they out of their fucking minds!  Not only are we already crowded and bursting at the seams, its going to get worse !!  They are everywhere, rushing around, pushing, shoving, rude people
Everyday, the trains are jammed packed and no the transport minister doesn't need to go ride the trains and tell us " see its fine, I got on easily"  leave the entourage behind and ride it incognito, then tell us !!

A few days earlier there was a disruption at one of the main city stations right at peak hour end of the day.  It was scary looking at the pictures of the people waiting for the train on the overcrowded platform.  When I do decide to take the train, I marvel at the throng of people rushing for the escalators once they get off the trains.  I once stood upstairs looking down at the platform of rushing people and wondered what if  there was an accident.  What would happen if someone fell in that rushing crowd, would people trample that person, not knowing that someone had fallen.  Do we need to wait for that to happen before we think about better crowd control.
Ultimately we need to ask, do we need more people, is it the right way to fuel the economy by bringing in more people??

I for one say stop, no more people please.

spell check

I LOVE spell check.  without it I would be doomed.  Doomed to be the one person that cant spell.  but am I??
No, it seems people have forgotten how to spell.  Here in our little red dot we still follow the old way of teaching kids how to read and write, spelling is important.  they incorporate some phonetics but its still rote learning and memorising the words.  I used to be very good at spelling until computers entered my life!
It used to bother me alot, those little red wiggly lines in my documents and emails, but now I happily ignore them and hit spell check at the end of all my vigorous typing and like magic all those red wiggly lines are gone!

How cool is that!  if only life was as simple as spell check

Mission Impossible

I am on a mission it seems, on a mission to go find that man, come hell or highwater.  Am I?

To some it seems that I am but if you ask me (well even if you dont I will tell you as it is my Blog) I am only on the lookout for that one special someone.  That one person who isnt afraid to say to everyone he knows, that I am his, that I belong to him.  Yes even is this day and age of feminism women still need that affirmation that they belong to that one special man.   Most of us do anyway.

A friend likes to say she is a simple girl with simple needs but is a complicated woman..... that kind of sums me up as well.  simple needs simple girl as I dont like or want the over the top romancing or constant declarations of love.  I do however want a companion in my journey of life ( whats left of it anyway) but I don't know how to go about and do that.  I don't know if I am doing it right and if I have inadvertently lost something I should have nurtured and not forced. Complicated indeed.

Was it Plato that said that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.  Is that a crock of shit or is it real.  Are we condemned or doomed to keep looking for the other half?

All I know is that this search for love, affirmation and companionship is getting more complicated and feels like mission impossible.........

The first date

After my initial panic attack, I had to re evaluate my priorities and decide if I wanted to go ahead and do this dating thing.  After much soul searching and of course realizing why the failed attempt of a relationship actually failed, I called my friend again and luckily the blind date still wanted to meet.
So it finally happened....with a little bit of drama of course, after all what is life without drama!!

Its been raining every day this last week, so I figured that I should arrange to leave early to be there on time for a 7.30 dinner reservation.  I work in events for gods sake, I know how to plan things!  But life conspires against me, it just likes to fuck things up!  I called a cab and on a rainy friday evening what was I expecting?? immediate response?  not bloody likely.  Being late for a date, a first date!  It didnt bode well......
20 mins later and still no cab.....
call the restaurant and inform them that I will be late and please inform my date, this was going downhill faster than those boys in cool runnings!!
The taxi finally arrived,  (remember I still have to blog about all those taxis) and he got me there pretty quickly.  Only 10 minutes late................

what was I expecting, what was I hoping for, what was I looking for......
I am looking for things that aren't there............

the unaware cougar

unconsciously, totally unaware, unintended......thats me when it comes to younger men.  totally unaware that I am a cougar!  I hate labels, but I have been branded a cougar.... often.

Its all very innocent and I believe that it happens because I am unaware that I am now a "certain" age.  Its not easy when you get older and are not aware that age has snuck up from behind and bitten you on the ass.  

If you asked me how old I was inside and how old I felt ( and we arent talking of being felt up here) I would say 25!

I forget that my children are older than I feel inside, I forget that I should behave like an older woman.  I forget that I have to dress in age appropriate attire, although I do stop, look and ask my sons their opinion should I question my choices.  

I still appreciate the male specimen, I still smile at good looking hunky men, and I get smiled at by good looking hunky men and it leaves me feeling awfully nice until I realise that OMG that man is probably my sons age, and then I just feel awful!!

I watch alot of sport, I like watching football, rugby, motor sports, tennis, cricket to name a few, and of course the men are getting younger as I progress upwards along the ladder of aging.  Daniel Carter comes to mind recently, as the Rugby world cup is on, and his famous Jockey ads have had a fair amount of attention.  That gorgeous man is my sons age!  Until I realised that, I was happily ogling his physique in his Jockeys!

Am I perverted I wonder.... or am I just happily clueless

It doesn't help that I seem to have dated alot of younger men.  from 9 years younger and upwards.  At least i have had some sense of decorum and refused to go out with anyone who is 10 years younger.  Then I wonder why haven't I, why am I so squeamish about younger men.  I know several women of a "certain" age that have had and are in a very successful relationship with younger men.  Younger men seem to want to go out with me, and for the life of me I can't see the attraction.  I know I am quite good looking enough (modest aren't I) to attract a younger man but I don't think looks are the ultimate attraction for them.  I have been told its my maturity and the confidence that I exude.  Really!??

Well, as  I stumble along in this  confusing maze of dating, perhaps I may come across a couple of younger men again and this time perhaps I wont ask them how old they are and does their mother know what they are up to. At least I can try to conquer one of the restrictions I place on myself, the next one would be women asking me out i guess!!

dating.....an archaic ritual & a necessary evil

What is dating.  Two people meet for a singular purpose to see if they are compatible and attracted to each other enough to make future plans.  Its like a test!  Isn't it?
A test to see who you are, what you like and if the other person likes you enough.  Its stressful!!  But its a necessary evil.  How else do you find someone you want to hang out with forever.  Whether its an introduction by friends, online dating, being fixed up by our parents, seeing someone in the gym everyday, that is the beginning to dating.  You ask the person out, you go out with that person and it becomes a date!!
There are several forms of dates, dinner, museums, walking the old train tracks, jungle trekking, movies, a drink in a bar, fishing, cycling, in fact any social activity can be a date. 
Its a prelude for things to come. 
If after the first date you know you will never be able to imagine yourself with that person, you move on.  You start again, sifting through the potentials and date again.  Its tiring, Its stressful, you have to be on your best behaviour to attract and keep their interest.  Did our parents and grandparents get it right with arranged marriages and no dating.  Has our freedom of choice actually made us more confused?
I know I am confused.  Confused to the point that I am doing it all wrong. 

I don't know how to date or how to be the perfect little woman that plays hard to get so that men want to go out with me (following the old saying that men want what they can't have).  What you see is what you get with me, no games.  Perhaps its time to play the game of dating, to do it the right way.