Someone to come home to

I have, for the last decade, been searching for someone.  Someone to love me, someone to want me, someone to be with.

I found A, who didn’t want a relationship but was happy to “see” me once in a while

I found P who only wanted companionship.

I  hung around A making puppy eyes at him hoping he will one day look at me and realise I was the one he was waiting for all his life……yes I am delusional…

As for P,  we hung out, we went for movies, walks, dinners, plays, concerts… and it was real fun, he became like my best friend.. then he moved to Monaco..

So I now find myself wondering where to go

I am still seeing A occasionally and we text a few times on and off and there are days when I am tempted to tell him to go fuck himself and leave me alone but then there are days I think maybe even a little bit of him is good enough.

I miss P, we talked and spent time quite a bit of time together,
I somehow seem to have fallen for two men,  both giving me different things and both of whom don’t want a relationship with me..

what are the odds eh.. I know for sure there has to be something wrong with me that I look for  men that are equally broken as I am, men who wont commit, men who dont want to be that someone I come home to..

It’s the simple things

I usually do not believe in presents for Mother day or valentines day or even birthdays.

I don’t think there should be one day to value the person who gave birth to you, or loves you.

However, sometimes some people need a small push in the right direction of showing appreciation to the woman that carried you and squeezed you out of her body.

So about a week before mothers day ( when I was ordering my mother some flowers) I sent son no 2 a link to a florist, if he was so inclined to get me flowers…

the lovely flowers I got

He did get me flowers, a lovely bouquet, there were lilies though, I hate lilies, but I was thrilled to bits that he actually took the hint.. and he made a reservation at a gluten free restaurant for brunch and included my sisters in his invite.

What a sweet boy…..

However those things don’t matter, what  thrilled me even more and warmed all corners of my heart  and toes was when he used the lactose free milk in the fridge (I am lactose intolerant)  and realised there was a little left in the packet, he actually got one more from the cupboard and put it in the fridge (I hate warm milk in my cereal)

He even has been washing his dishes…

It’s the small things, it’s the simple things that matter..

its about dignity

I have spent the recent months visiting various hospitals in Singapore, first with my aunt, then mum then the son.

While the son had insurance and could have gotten a room to himself, the hospital was full so he ended up in the general ward with lots of other people about.   Lots of elderly people.

It made me think seriously about when I get old. 

I watched the old men in the ward being fed, bathed, diapered and medicated, all by strangers.  The care was good but it was perfunctory.  The nurses were absolutely wonderful with the old men, they were gentle and kind but I wonder about the helplessness of it all.

It makes you think…

I dont want to be a burden to my family, as it will take time and effort to care for an elderly family member.   I don’t want to end up in a care facility or home  where I am ‘looked after’ by someone else. I don’t mind if I was able bodied and lived in a nursing home but  I do not want someone to bathe me or feed me or put me in diapers.  I may change my mind when I get to be elderly, I may be quite happy to be fed, bathed, be treated like an object that needs care.

  I really wish we could, like the movie Logans Run, know that we will be terminated at a certain age… not as early as 30 in the movie but say 75 and that’s it, and have the option, to be offed earlier if we get terminally sick. 

Yes I know there are legitimate ethical questions to ask here but seriously wouldn’t that help with astronomical health care bills and insurance premiums?

The hospitals, doctors,  Pharmaceutical and Insurance companies will of course cry foul, as they are the ones benefiting right now. 

Just think,  all of us know when we are to be terminated, so we live our lives accordingly.  We make sure we go through that bucket list and plan everything to end at 75.  No surprises, unless one is ill and is terminated earlier…

That way I know whats coming (yes I am a control freak) and I wont have to be dependent on someone helping me to wipe my arse, bathe me, feed me and in turn I don’t become a burden to my family as being a care giver is one of the toughest things to do, the guilt of not doing enough or the strain of doing too much.

But most of all it will allow me some control of my own destiny and perhaps dying with dignity.

a trying time

Things have been rather hectic lately

The last 6 weeks or so have had me heading to the hospital twice because of mum.  Mum's been diagnosed with TIA which are like tiny strokes in the brain to warn her that her vessels in the brain are narrowing to a dangerous level.  its been a continuous cycle of getting her blood pressure stable enough and for her to stay calm should she have an episode.

She's been feeling vulnerable and afraid and it has  put a stop to her going out.  Its like overnight she's become frail and old..  I know she's old, she will be 80 in September but this seems to have come upon her all of a sudden.

My sister and I have been trying to spend more time with her, as she gets lonely and wants company, but we have jobs,  we don't, like most Singaporeans, have domestic help, which means we also have homes to clean, laundry and cooking to do, and sometimes its just nice to be able to sit back and relax to do our own things..  So we have been running around for mum and then a few days ago I had a scare with son no 2.

He collapsed at home and I had to call an ambulance to take him to the emergency room.  Its all good now but he was in hospital for 2 nights where they diagnosed him with excessive diarrhoea which led to dehydration, which led to him collapsing. it was scary shit finding him sprawled out on the kitchen floor, hardly coherent then watching him collapse again and again...

When my children were babies, I would watch them like a hawk especially when they slept, I would sit close to their cots watching them sleep, to make sure they were breathing.. and now I just want to sit by his bed and make sure he is still breathing....but that would be rather creepy..

I know the son is an adult and should be able to take care of himself, it all started with an abscess on his tonsils, heavy dose of antibiotics, and him not resting and eating properly after the infection cleared.  I feel like I have failed as a parent as he obviously cant look after himself, aren't we as parents supposed to prepare them for adulthood, make them responsible!  He has seemed to have taken this as a warning and I hope he does not lapse into bad habits of not eating proper meals and drinking enough water.

But there is still mum to deal with, she's always been needy and the TIA has brought her neediness to a whole new level.  I am drained and tired and at work I seem to have more piled onto me which I neither want nor signed up for.. its been a trying time...

personality tests

So P sent me a link recently, a myers briggs personality test thingy.

I love doing those things, and I have never done the Myers Briggs, and my results surprised me.

There were alot of things that made sense and actually sort of joined the dots and while reading my results, I had a few ah ha moments.

The personality box that I belong in, is only 1% of the population. No shit... I knew I was different, but I always thought that there was something wrong with me.  Seriously something wrong.  But now that I know I am an INFJ, and that I am not totally strange, but someone actually recognises that there are personalities like me out there, I feel better.

I dont know why but I do.  Its like ok, maybe not that many of us out there,  but there are people like me..  I am sure there are various degrees of this strange personality and I am sure we all have our own quirks, but I belong somewhere... I actually belong in a group.

I have never belonged, I have never been one of anything, but now I do....

how many shades of grey.....

I have always struggled when it was time to dye my hair.

I hate the fuss and the drama of going to the hairdressers and getting colour put into my hair and even hate getting a hair cut.  Its something I do grudgingly.

As an asian I am limited with hair colour, its dark brown or black,  I cant go blonde or red or light brown... so its always a dark brown for me and it just seems so artificial.

I never coloured my hair when I was younger, didnt experiment with colours but when I started to go too grey I was persuaded that it was the done thing to cover all the grey.  I hated the trips trips to the salon which were always far and in between.  I would find any excuse not to go, to delay going or just forgetting about my hair until my mother would nag at me to go colour it..

I am done.  No more colouring my hair, I want to go grey and let it go at its own pace.  I love seeing an elegant older woman with a cascade of white hair, it looks natural, its how its meant to be.  I am 54, why bother colouring,  I feel like we are in denial about aging and colouring the hair will make us look or even feel younger..  well I dont see the point of doing that.  I am getting old, my skin is going to sag, I am going to get wrinkles, I want to embrace it and love who I am, and be happy in my aging body, grey hair and all.

and its really odd when the curtains dont match the rug....

it's that dirty word again.....

So these last three weeks or so I have had this flu slowly creep up on me. Each week it gently engulfs me with a new symptom.  I had to go to the doctors 3 times, to target a different symptom, from body ache, fever, runny nose, diarrhoea (which I got I am sure because of the antibiotics) and sore throat.

Since I had to go to the doctors for the third time, I decided I to go see my old family doctor, who has known me since I was 7, and who looks after my thyroid issues.   His records showed  that I hadn't had a blood test to check my thyroid for 2 years.  And to throw in for good measure he also wanted to check my blood sugar levels….

Well today I got my results and my blood sugar levels are higher than normal….

 I am extremely diligent with what I up into my mouth, I am gluten intolerant so I avoid all types of  biscuits and cakes and confectionery, I eat a lot of fruit, veg and limit my carbs, eat only sweet potatoes, don’t drink sugary sodas and hardly eat any bread ( If I do eat bread its GF Bread)  Yes I indulge sometimes with fries and chocolate but its like once a month or so (and really I am not kidding here) …so how the bloomin hell do I still have elevated blood sugar levels!

Its that dirty word again….exercise! 

This time there is no avoiding the exercise, I have 3 months before the next blood test and I bloody well have to get off my backside and do something as I do not want it to develop into type 2 diabetes… 

oh the joys of getting older….

me... very soon

the 100 day challenge

So one of my friends recently posted an article on facebook, about  how we buy things we dont really need.

I am guilty of that.  I wander around the shops and convince myself that I need another blouse, tshirt, jeans or shoes...and end up spending money on things I dont need.

In the article, the person didnt buy anything new for 200 days ( see here for the article) which got me thinking.  Why do we have this insatiable need for new shiny things.  Boredom, that thrill of buying something new, like a reward we think we deserve..

I put myself on a challenge,  to not buy anything new for the next 100 days, and I am in day 14 of the challenge and it has been difficult.  I spent most of my adult life looking at my household budget to ensure we had enough money to last till the next paycheque.  When I finally had enough money set aside as savings, I began to spend more, on useless things I didnt need.  $300 on new tops, and dresses every 2 weeks, justifying to myself that I needed another top for work.

It had to stop, I had a cupboard full of clothes that I wasnt wearing and just because I had put on a bit of weight didnt mean I had to go buy more.... I still had enough clothes that fit me.
Its only been clothes and shoes that I spend extra on, as I prefer flea market finds to brand new for kitchen and house things.  My strange love of old telephones for instance, and the insane habit of looking for old enamel ware, so spending money on new dinnerware is not something I would do anyway.  But the clothes and shoes!  Enough was enough.

With Christmas around the corner, its going to be tough as the office started this secret Santa thing and we had to make our wish list and I have to get someone a 'new' gift.  no second hand things here! So for that one day I will have to cheat on my challenge and get that person a new gift and get one in return.  I did put in my wish list, food items which were part of my daily routine which in a way didnt make it new, if that makes sense...

so heres to reducing waste on clothes and wasting money on things I dont need...just 84 days to go.

dont ask if you dont want to know

There is something about having your say, having someone actually listen to your feedback, whether good or bad. Which is why I love doing surveys, giving feedback etc.  Must be my busy body personality....

the email that started it all....

When people send me a survey for feedback I respond, whether good or bad service,  I try to respond with a fair review.  If your bloomin email says to me, we value your feedback as we want to make it better, I respond, so I was surprised when Redmart, a grocery delivery service I use, responded to a review I sent, based on their email asking me for feedback, that I needed to "edit" my review" as it did not meet the website guidelines..

it was a negative review of the product, I just said the meat smelt bad by the time I got it and that they perhaps should look at the chillers they were using for delivery.

To be nice ( I can be nice sometimes) I thought why not, just edit and see what happens


it didnt let me edit my review,  I kept getting the response that I had already submitted a review....computer glitch?  user problem?  WTF?

2 steps back

This past week has been a disaster, I have been sick for a week and it keeps getting worse.
Finally went back to the doctor yesterday to get antibiotics and I headed home to rest.

Rest didnt quite happen as some fucker decided to renovate his home and it was jack hammer day yesterday... today is drilling day, how fun..

As I lie on the sofa, watching mindless drivel on the tv ( cant be bothered to try to watch anything else as the drilling and jack hammering means my headache is getting worse by the second)
I have to think about my future too.

When I switched jobs last year, I took a pretty hefty pay cut, but I worked a 4 day week and only one  job to do.  Then in May, the company asked if I would take over the office manager position as well.  I didnt quite think that through but accepted the job with more pay.  Now, the office I work in is a rather peculiar place , as Feng Shui plays a very important part in the overall scheme of things.  Which means as office manager I was worrying about trivial things that the boss thought were the most important.

I was worrying about water features that didn't quite work and the water feature's bubbles were  responsible for the decline of business ( dont laugh) , yellowing bamboo plants that meant that something bad will happen, lava lamps with bulbs no one carried and I had to run around finding bulbs and salt jars that had to be filled just right.
I do have an assistant to help me with all this but the constant worry about these things plus I had to battle with finance on cheques to pay the beer man (we have 3 beer taps in the office and I had to make sure they were full).  Add into the equation the fact that I had to sort the pantry, clear and organise the stationery store and of course the event store for props and things we use for events.

what i feel like doing

It took its toll on me.  I think back to why I took this job and it was so that I could spend more time doing things for me, and I seem to have lost my way.  I was not sleeping because of a stupid water feature's bubbles were not working. The one we ordered would only be delivered in 5 weeks and the boss was not happy.  So I quit.  well there was alot of yelling and although everyone says he wasnt yelling at me, as office manager I took the responsibility for the thing not working.  I take things to heart, I certainly do and I took this too personally, which is one of my weaknesses. Something i have to work on but at 54 do I really care....

the office MD and the COO spoke to me on Monday to ask me if I wanted to just go back to doing what I originally wanted to do, but I would go back to my original salary.
Now that pissed me off.  After one year of clearing up all the shit ( and there was alot to organise and clear) they want to keep me but as I was stressed all the time, it made sense for them to offer me this, but I felt hurt and a little insulted that they didn't seem to value me enough to offer me a bit more.
I got the usual talk about budgets for admin salaries blah blah and how the economy was doing and I was not the only one working so hard blah blah.

Which brings me to the question if I should stay or leave.  Am I being unreasonable to ask for a little more than what I was making or do I just suck it up and wait and see if in the new year, we get increments across the board.

I will probably stay, but i have to constantly remind myself to not give my usual 200%, I have to focus and give only what is expected as giving 200% always puts me on the losing end.
I am supposed to be looking at semi retirement now so a 4 day week and focusing on one job should be an ideal situation, so why  do I feel like I am taking 2 steps back.....

i am a dick sometimes...

I never professed to be perfect.

Far from it actually, and I accept that sometimes I am good and sometimes I can be a dick.  Yes women can be dicks too, quite often as a matter of fact.

definition of someone being a dick...

being an asshole, being stupid and just generally being an idiot

the last 2 weeks have been tough,  I forgot to take my pills to KL when I went for the MotoGP, pills like my thyroid, vitamin D and my herb supplements that I depend on to keep my mood swings and menopause symptoms at bay.  Which resulted a few days later to me me being hyper sensitive to anything that happened, and usually I end up in tears over nothing.  which as usual ends up me doing stupid things like quitting my job...

Yeah I know, I want to smack me too...

once calmness ensues and I see the world through drug induced serenity, I pass through the being a dick phase to what the fuck did i do phase..

Will I eat humble pie and hope the bosses know me well enough to know I was being a dick, or do I start looking for a new job... Stay tuned..

the trip to sepang

line up for shuttle on Saturday, my hotel up ahead

I left Singapore on Friday morning all eager to get to Sepang to see the free practice in the early afternoon.

46 - Rossi's number

When I reached Kl airport, it was raining, heavy... which left me very disappointed, bummed, upset...

So I thought that I should just head back into KL, check into the hotel and if the rain stops, I can catch the shuttle to the circuit.... well that didnt quite happen.


I got to the hotel checked in and from my window I could see the last shuttle leaving for the circuit.  I could have kicked myself.
I should have just gone straight from the airport to the circuit.
Lesson learnt.

view of garages and track

Saturday and Sunday turned out to be fabulous.
I met up with Luca, the Italian guy I met last year and we hung out together all weekend,   mostly right in front of the Yamaha garage to gawk at Valentino Rossi,  and gawk and act like fangirls we did...

What a weekend!

Am already looking forward to next year.

Rossi Fans 

other attractions - the PR guy...cute

Race start

the man himself - Valentino Rossi

more pics of sepang on my Flickr page here

conversations

with a taxi driver

Taxi driver   " so are you married"

Me  wondering why the hell they ask me that - " err no am divorced"  and why I answer I will never know.

Taxi Driver " divorced! why, should not divorce!"

Me - " he wasnt a very nice person, beat me and cheated alot of people"

Taxi Driver - " Its ok what! husband and wife sure got problem, its ok once in a while he beat you"

Me !!!!!??????

Taxi driver was a an older male...


With colleagues

Colleague 1 - "people say I look very strict"

Colleague 2 - " You?  No way, your face too soft,  People sure dont think that way about u"

Me - " No way, you have a baby face"

Colleague 1 - " really!  I thought I have that bitch face"  (Colleague 1 is male by the way)

Me - " no you dont.  Thats me, I have the resting bitch face....

Colleague 1  - giggles " actually Yah you do"

Me - !!!!???