Tuesday, 26 June 2012

31 years

I realised this morning that yesterday would have been my 31st wedding anniversary.
A lot has happened in 31 years.  I went from a naive, innocent, confused, scared little girl to a confident, independent, quirky, sometimes a bitch, woman.

I wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't left the ex.  I know for sure I would not be the woman I am today.  And I like who I am today.  Its like a what if scenario, what if I had still been married, what if I had decided to actually go ahead with my plan of poisoning the ex.  Yes,  I used to dream up elaborate plans on how to commit murder without getting caught..... but of course I didn't do it, the thought of getting caught and spending my life behind bars for killing a man that was a horrible human being, was something I couldn't do.  Besides my sons would have been left alone and that would have been the worst punishment ever!

He contested the divorce petition and it dragged on for a year.  In the end he didn't even turn up in court to defend his petition.  The judge was quite happy to give me sole custody of the boys and grant me my divorce.  Those few years were pretty tough, he would come after us, using his usual bullying tactics, to frighten us.  It worked, my boys and I were scared but determined to fight him.

My marriage was like another life, another me.  A me that I would hate today, a me that was timid and in a way had given up on alot of things.  He damaged me beyond repair and the worst part of it is that I let him do that to me.

 I remember my son asking me when he was 14 years old, just after the divorce, if it would have been better for me if I didn't have kids.  Then I could have gone on to a better life and not struggle with finances and trying to put a roof over our heads.  I remember my answer to him  very clearly. 
I told him that they actually saved me from suicide.  I would have happily stepped off the ledge if they were not there for me to  feed, clothe and love them.

So its been 31 years since I embarked on my journey of adulthood, at 19 and totally innocent.  Today I am not innocent anymore and as for adulthood...... well I can't say that I have achieved it yet but am hoping it will eventually find me.  I am enjoying who I am, who I have become, who I want to be.  I do struggle with intimacy and relationships but I know I am getting better at it.  I know I will eventually find someone to share my life with me and dreams can come true, it may take 31 years to get there, but get there I will.

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