Sunday, 6 October 2013

nurture vs nature

My most fervent prayer the last few years was that my sons don't inherit any of their fathers mean, violent, scheming and shady characteristics.
Which in turn made me wonder if those traits are inborn or are they developed over time......I guess right now I know those traits are developed.
son 1 was always helping!
Watching my sons grow from eager, inquisitive and sometimes downright irritating children to decent, good, and still sometimes irritating adults has affirmed my belief in the nurture vs nature question.

My ex was  (and probably still is) a very charismatic and charming man. he knew all the right buttons to push.  He cheated people of their hard earned cash, telling them that he could double their money.  He was what these days you would call a Bernie Madoff.  He worked on the principle that greed was the easiest way to cheat people.  He even did it to my father, who invested in his money making schemes solely on the idea that I as his daughter would benefit from the business and have a comfortable life.  And me, while I can claim ignorance of all his dealings, have had even my own family question my involvement in those schemes. Which I guess is why I am totally suspicious of everything now and careful about money and investments....and follow a " if its too good to be true, it usually is"  motto.
When I left him I had nothing, zero in my bank account, and got nothing from him since.  Apart from cheating people, he cheated his own mother (selling all her jewellery that was entrusted to me to safe guard) he was abusive, verbally and physically towards me, he slept with every woman he knew, even his friends wives, he was lazy, thinking that life owed him a living and he was a coward.  He made me go out to face loan sharks, to tell them that he wasn't home.  It was only later that I learnt that those men had guns in their cars and were going to take him away to teach him a lesson  ....hindsight, hmmm.
at our old home in Johor
He did however believe in God and that he needed to do good deeds to counter the bad.......which is why some times he would pay from his ill gotten gains, for a full feast for the visually handicapped kids, while having the newspapers there to record his wonderfully altruistic deed....
The last I heard of him was that he was found in a ditch, having suffered a stroke.

You see now why I prayed (and I am not a religious person) hard that my sons don't turn out like him.  My
boys are good men, they are caring, honest (most of the time, white lies don't count) honourable men.   For years they hated even having any physical resemblance to the ex and I tried to tell them its okay to have those similarities as long as they dont have his persona and character.

I think, No,  I know, that I have succeeded  at least in this one thing in my life.....


  1. When you talk about your boys, I can hear in your posts that they are fine young men. I am sure they are not like their father, thankfully. What a pig he is or was. xxx Rae

    1. Yes they are, wonderful, hardworking and respectful of women, everything opposite of my ex!!

  2. you are a lot more successful than you have realised! i miss you puteh...