Tuesday, 3 May 2016

my baby

So this last couple of weeks have been hard, I got a call from son no 1 and the news wasnt good

He had gone to the ER for his bad back and figured that while he was there maybe they could check out his swollen arm...  they found a blood clot in his left auxiliary vein up to the junction of his jugular.

I freaked, so did he.  I wanted to get on a plane and go straight away to be with him, his fiance was away doing her practicum for her teaching degree, but she flew back the next day, she was equally freaked out.  They put him on blood thinners and the first few days was him going back and forth getting blood tests to set the right dosage for blood thinners.  He has had a few tests to find out why it happened but so far all tests have come up positive so we are no closer to finding out how and why.

His fiance had to go back to finish her practicum so she will be away 3 weeks, and I am here in Canada as I just had to see my baby.

Monday, 25 April 2016

I met pond scum

So I decided to go back online to try to date... After all I knew no other way to meet men...

From experience I knew that the first two weeks online would be all the scum trying to get in touch with me, there are of course the genuine ones but mostly all u get are the predators.  I had one of those very bits of pond scum get a little nasty with me, my mistake was not trusting my gut instinct the first time this particular bit of floating algae contacted me.  The mail I got screamed scammer but did I listen.... No.    I did not go out with him, these scum don't live in the same time zone so meeting them is never on the cards.

I am ashamed to admit but I did give him my number, against better judgement and Simone screaming in my head... But when he called me, trying desperately to imitate an English accent, but failing miserably, and letting his African accent come through, I almost laughed. I cut the conversation short and emailed him not to contact me again, that's when he replied with really nasty words......
If I didn't know before I sure as hell knew then that this man was not who he claimed to be.  I wonder though, how do they get all those family pics of decent looking men to create profiles on dating websites.... Facebook? Instagram.? People secure your Social media please!

I have never had this happen before, the scum seem to be getting bolder, more nasty.
To all scum bags out there, male or female, may the evil you do to others come back and bite you in the arse.
Will I let this deter me from online dating, I don't know yet......

Saturday, 23 April 2016

peering through the lens

when I bought my camera in 2013, i joined the Nikon club, which gave me access to classes that Nikon put together.
I have attended one basic class and this morning I attended a meet and shoot session, where we met at the CBD area of Singapore and went down one of the old streets where one can find all the interesting old shophouses.

I miss taking pics, i forget how much I love it.  I let life get in the way and I miss out on spending time peering through the lens.

more pics on my Flickr page ( son said "what who uses Flickr anyway".... I do son)
https://www.flickr.com/photos/102809648@N06/

the river and view of the fullerton hotel which was our general post office

an Indian temple in the middle of the CBD, this street has also a Mosque and a Chinese Temple

the old and the new in the background


Sunday, 17 April 2016

My boobs are upset with me

My home has always been my sanctuary, where I can be myself, where I can come home after work and relax.  Where I can roam underwear free..

I recently let my sons friend move into the spare room for a few months.  This young man just got divorced and didn't have anywhere to go... So he's here until the end of July.

I figured that it would be improper for me to wander around braless in my tank top and pyjama shorts  with this young man around.   its been an adjustment,
If my boobs weren't attached to me, they would have moved out in a huff...
I am bound and feel all constricted and quite uncomfortable. When I know he isn't around, I let the girls roam free and I feel like singing... Then when he's back, the poor girls are stuffed into the confines of those cups and I swear I can hear them grumbling...

Its been only 2 weeks and I have not got used to having to wear underwear, lets hope it gets better...

Sunday, 10 April 2016

food and drinks and more drinks

There have been a  slew of new restaurants and bars mushrooming all over the island in the last few years.  Each one trying to outdo the other in decor and originality.... the current trend is cocktail bars which brand themselves as speakeasy's , that give off the old 1920'a vibe in the US.  We also have the industrial chic and the mismatched chairs for the 'retro' feel for all the hipsters out there. pretentiousness galore.

patatas bravas

cheese, cod and in the back paella




















Singapore has always been an expensive city to have a drink in, alcohol is just very expensive.  we pay heaps of taxes to import that vice, it however, hasn't stopped people drinking.
With these new cocktail bars and restaurants out there, its become even more expensive to have a night out.   We have attracted some of the European chefs and yes even some that have had Michelin stars, which all add up to restaurants and bars charging the earth for their wares.....its no wonder we have the dubious accolade of being the most expensive city to live in... (see here for the report)

I cant afford to go out every weekend for dinner or drinks but once in a while I do, as the competition among the restaurants is pretty stiff and sometimes you can find specials that will attract the bargain hunter.

 Brunch and the free flow of alcohol is always a draw although I end up drinking too much and suffer the next day

creme catalan and an amazing choc dessert
My friends and I tried out a restaurant called FOC, which was opened by a Spanish Chef, Nandu Jubany.  One wonders if he actually ever turned up at the restaurant after opening it... but the name is there and I am sure so is his legacy and food.  No complaints on the food, everything I put into my mouth was something to savour and enjoy.  The company was good, the food was good and so was the free flow of cava..... If only i could remember to not drink so much, I am sure I would have enjoyed myself a bit more..

But then we drink to forget and perhaps later when in bed with the room spinning we drunk text the ex... Methinks I need to stop drinking to the point where I want to drunk text A.. life will be so much easier...

Thursday, 31 March 2016

sweet whisperings

So while I have told A we cant continue our "non relationship" we were still in contact via text, which was a bad idea.

A's modus operandi is to allow me to fester in silence while I contemplate life without him. Then he will send me little messages once in a while, keeping me on my toes, allowing my heart to skip a beat when I see "new message from A" on my phone.
Then he will say sweet things, but what he ultimately wants to know is, if I am going out looking for a new man.  My mistake is that I reply when he texts and I let him know that I wanted a relationship with him and not some other man.  He knows then that I am still pining for him.  That keeps him happy for a while and after that he will keep sending me messages reflecting on how good it was..... which inevitably ends with me telling him lets try again and I can separate feelings from what we do just so that I can have that one little piece of him. He is a master manipulator even if he says he isn't.

This has been going on since 2011, and I believed I had cured myself of him by the time I met P in 2013,  but the cure was ineffective.  I had not seen A in a year but I let him back in with texts and his sweet whisperings.

So today after a week of texts, I told A to delete my number as I will be deleting his, delete everything about me, as I cannot be friends with him, I cannot talk to him without wanting him.

sounds like me....

Choc stage done......lots of choc












I should have done it when I said no more, but deep inside, some stupid part of me thinks I can be friends with him without wanting him.... I need a kick up the backside.

I think being in my dark place is because of him,
5 stages of grief.... am I in the acceptance stage now I wonder...



Sunday, 27 March 2016

the dark place

Its been tough these past weeks.  I seem to have crawled back into my dark place.

I am extremely good at hiding my feelings and hiding what is exactly going on inside my head.  I bottle it all up and let it fester inside me let the small things engulf me.

I worry about money, retirement, work, and of course if I will be alone for the rest of my life. I worry that the kitchen needs redoing and I dont want to spend all the money doing it....
I worry that I have a tenant moving into the spare room, son no 2's friend needs a room for 4 months, and I havent cleared out the room, there are old stand speakers that are spoilt and an old TV.... I have told the son that we need to throw some stuff out  but I dont know if he understands that I want the stuff moved out NOW as his friend moves in on the 1st of April.

Some of the worry is work as they want me to take on extra duties but not pay me enough to actually want to take anything on.... and I worry that when I dont take on the extra duties, I will still end up doing the work anyway...

Most of the worry is unnecessary, some of it is all in my head, as I stress about every small thing, but I cant seem to shake off the feeling of doom.  I feel like I am unravelling emotionally and I am eating till I feel quite sick and the extra pounds are piling up.

I am not in a good place, I am in my dark place.....



Friday, 11 March 2016

alone in a crowd

From a very young age I would watch movies on my own and when listening to music, I would retire into my own world to listen to my music.




















Nothing much has changed over the years, and last weekend I went to a jazz festival on my own.  I wish I could have had someone to enjoy it with, but all my friends are not fans of jazz music and since I have no significant other...alone I went.
Enrico Rava - 75 years old (in the white pants)
Joss Stone
Buena Vista Social Club
Buena vista Social Club - Omara Poruondo - 85 yrs old and her voice is still magnificent




















I am a big fan of Joss Stone and Buena Vista Social Club (Cuban Jazz) and I was not
going to miss the opportunity to watch them up
close. 2 days out in the open, just listening to music.  I had a great time....
but as there was limited seating.... my legs ached and back ached....man I am getting old....
not as old as some of the jazz maestros though..

Being alone in the crowd wasnt as bad as I thought it would be, I am not one to strike up conversations with strangers and with my resting bitch face... not many people would want to talk to me either... Still...all in a great weekend spent listening to great music.

Saturday, 27 February 2016

Goodbye lunch at the refinery

By some cruel twist of fate I now work 2 bus stops away from P's office.
Why cruel you ask....

A few weeks ago, we met for lunch at a restaurant (the Refinery) across the road from his office.  I had not seen him since we shared a  a quick tea at Kings cross station on Christmas Eve.  He spent a long holiday away at home and then getting to know his new girl friend.

While having lunch I realised I had lost my friend. I realised I had lost the man that had been sweet, gentle, caring and decent, the man who made plans to see me as soon as he was back from any trip, the man who actually had wanted a relationship.
No man waits for ever.  No woman should either.

I naively expected P to be the 'friend' I could hang out with while I still pined away for A.

Deep down of course I knew it was a damn stupid thing to hope for, that things would not change, but they do.  I didn't want to hear about the wonderful time he had with her, or how his relationship was going.    He's a great guy and any woman would be stupid ( me) to let him go. But regret is a silly thing, not something to dwell on.  Would P and I have had a good relationship, I don't know.  We do sugar coat the good bits and forget the unsettling moments.
Or maybe at my age, I am too fussy or have no clue what I want...

I know I was selfish in that I wanted him to be there for me, to do all the things we had been doing over the last two years.  Selfish in that I liked that he wanted to be with me, to do things.  With this new woman in his life, that want would have waned considerably and I dont think I could have handled that.  So I told him, perhaps it would be best if we didn't meet up anymore.
I didn't want to listen to how great things were for him.  I am a horrible friend.

Why does it have to be so complicated.......

Saturday, 20 February 2016

what would Freud say

in 2013 while in the UK and pottering around an antiques barn I found Agatha.
silent Agatha

Agatha is a candlestick phone circa 1890 - 1940, and she has brought a certain je ne sais quoi to my living room.  She sits quietly in the corner unable to speak as she hasn't worked in awhile.

A week ago I found Clara, a beautiful 1930 - 1950 Bakelite phone.  Its like all my Christmases have come at once... and the best thing is that Clara works!
although son no 2 thinks that while aesthetically pleasing, functionality is zero..
I have plugged her in and have been using her for the last few days.  Her ring is loud, clear and quite musical.  I can hear the caller but on the other end, the caller cant quite hear me that well.  My sister said I sounded like I was calling from a tunnel.

Clara the chatterbox



the best part is that I also found someone who can repair old phones, so Agatha may just find her voice again....

I wonder though what collecting old phones says about me ...a need for communication perhaps...
and the fact that I name the phones....

Sunday, 14 February 2016

where do I go now

Now that I am single and free and determined to put A out of my mind, I dont know where to start.

Do I embrace another round of dating online?  lets face it, at 53 I am not exactly a great catch for the older men, who want to date women 20 years their junior.  Do I go younger.....A was 4 years younger, P a year younger.... see the trend....
Reading all the online dating advice for older women, which is really telling us that there isnt much out there for us to date, and to make it more challenging, I am a minority in my own country and I dont get on with most of the Asian men here....
Its a wonder I havent crawled into a hole and put out a white flag in front of my cave and surrender to a life of loneliness......heck I might as well just go get a dozen cats and let my greys show and dress like a hobo.

There are days when I have felt  that love has passed me by and I will never find someone to love me back,   But I am a romantic,  deep down, past all the cynical demeanour, I still think I will find someone.   I have a full life, but its a little empty, if that makes sense, and I want to share things with a special someone.  There are moments in life where you want to turn to a significant other and share a joke, a silly encounter or just a knowing look.

So its wait and see for a bit....and maybe when I am feeling a little more positive, I may drift into the murky depths of online dating.. who knows.  Its a bit scary and I am totally unsure where I am going to end up, but I know I dont want to be alone, so perhaps one step at a time, slowly, into a new era of finding the one...






Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Loveless liaisons

So....I have been with A for awhile now and we have stopped and started our arrangement from Nov of  2009.

My reasoning for going back and resurrecting the arrangement a dozen times, was that I didn't want to be without him, no matter how little he gave back.  I was happy with any smidgen of attention he threw my way.

He set rules on what we could and couldn't do and I was not allowed a goodbye kiss after an assignation.
No involvement, no meeting for anything else except to fulfil our mutual need for sex (which isn't just sex but a meeting of trust, solace, mutually beneficial pleasing of each other.....and alot of other crap I let myself believe)

I compromised on what I wanted, which was a full relationship with him, just to have that tiny piece that he gave.
Compromise....no doormat actually.  That is what I have been.

I recently told him no more (again) as he started to lay more rules, that we couldn't meet at my place as my son would know he had been (as the smell of his cigarettes would linger and son would know he had visited) and he didn't want to get involved....

Side track a bit here......
it was quite hilarious once, I usually plan our assignations when Son isn't home and I know he wont be back till late, well Son came home as we were sitting on the sofa after sex, watching TV and chatting.  You know those Mastercard ads.....well A's face was quite priceless when Son came home and saw him......  We've been 'caught' only once.....

Anyway
after a bit of back and forth with him, he throws in a question
"Do I think the sparkle is lost a bit?"  he thinks maybe it has.....

So its no more, I want a relationship with a man who wants to be with me, someone who isn't afraid to love me.  (sounds like an echo ......I have written about this soooooo maaannnnyyyy times)
I dont blame him though, its me that thought I could make him love me.  Maybe he would want a relationship with me, maybe he would love me enough to want to try some compromises of his own.....Yes he has said " it's me not you"  a dozen times....
Yes I want to kick me too..

I did see what a relationship could be like with P, but he smothered me a little and I retreated pretty quickly. So its trying to find a balance, its looking for someone to have an adult relationship with,  not as A put it, a complication.

Am I done with our loveless liaisons...I sure hope so.  I give my friends permission to bitch slap me into tomorrow if I go back to it.


Friday, 22 January 2016

escapism

So in my usual way I have been escaping my mundane life

I have been going to the movies.

I have a ritual when I flee to the cinema to escape, and woe be anyone that gets in my way.  This afternoon, the first day of my three day weekend, I decided to head into town to watch The Danish Girl.  I must have popcorn while I snuggle into the chair in the darkness of the cold cinema, looking up into the screen, all ready to elude reality.

Today however the cinema popcorn stand was unable to sell me popcorn, because they had a system breakdown and all the tills were inoperable.  I was told to try the stands down stairs, which I did and it was the same situation there.  Now I am the sort of person who likes to get into my seat in the cinema, before the ads start or event the trailers....... so there I was 10 mins to get to my seat with no popcorn and being confronted by absolute idiots who were rude and unwilling to tell me anything except that they needed exact change if I wanted to purchase anything.... I asked if I could take in food from anywhere else ( I was hungry as I skipped lunch for the popcorn) as the cinema halls have a strict policy of no other food allowed in.... I was just told to ask her manager who was all in a flap as the system was down.... duh!!

Well suffice to say, I was not a happy camper but I left them to it, got fries from Mcdonalds, and hid it in my handbag, and went to find my cinema hall and my seat to retreat  into the shadowy bowels of celluloid dreams...

Sunday, 10 January 2016

Dead Media

My TV died

It just stopped working, and on checking, found that the warranty to repair it for free expired in Nov 2015....
I subscribe to cable television because there isnt anything to watch on normal TV, and I had just renewed my package for another 2 years.  I feel cheated in a way, no TV but I have the subscription.

I called the service centre and trying to get someone to actually listen and fix an appointment to come down to take a look at it, took me 2 days.  I finally managed to talk to the technician and he quoted a price and said someone will call to make an appointment....I am still waiting.
As it is the weekend I cant call them back to find out an appointment date until Monday.  I wont be able to get an appointment on the days I work, which means a whole week without the TV, or more.

I have missed the white noise in the background as I reluctantly finish up the household chores, but then I am also forced to tackle some things without the distraction of mindless drivel on the TV.

I cleared out my whole room, cleared out my wardrobe and as I had to pack away my winter coats, after my trip to London which wasnt very cold anyway... also cleared out all the old woollen turtle neck sweaters I have had sine the 70's..  cleaned every bit of furniture in the room ....son no 2 said I was bored... I think its just less distraction.

I do have a thumbdrive full of season 3 of Orange is the New Black which I have to get through so that has been occupying my evenings, and I am reading again, 3 books at once though...
and son no 2 subscribed to netflix...

Which begs the question - Are TV's and the old mediums of media obsolete?
another post perhaps.
for now I am busy cleaning the corners and hardly touched areas of the home..

Friday, 1 January 2016

the year of endless possibilities

2015 was supposed to be my year of endless possibilities... and in a way it was.

I changed jobs, went back to  my old employer and am actually wondering if I did the right thing... well only time will tell but one thing I know I did right was to walk away from a job that was getting me down because of the bitterness and bullshit in the atmosphere.

I finally was honest with myself about my feelings for A and what I wanted from a man.  Its baby steps for now and I am learning about circumventing this whole 'non' relationship thing. I have no idea where it will go with A but I am determined to try.  Enough of hiding away and waiting for something to happen.

I made it to a live motogp race in Malaysia, which I did by myself.  It was exhilarating, scary but great fun, and I made a new friend there.

My Resolutions for 2015 were not quite resolutions,  but I promised myself the following:

Blog more
Take more time off to take pictures
And be as honest as I can be.....

I think I did achieve some of them... How does one measure the achievability ( is that even a word)  of a resolution anyway?  its not like a KPI or anything....

So all in all not a bad year..actually quite a good year...

so what are my resolutions for 2016...... No procrastinating....

Its going to be an interesting and exciting year as I have a wedding to attend... son no 1 will be getting married in Canada in August and the family is gearing up for a couple of weeks in Canada to witness the joyous occasion. I am going to be a mother in law!

I am also determined to go to Sepang again to watch Valentino Rossi attempt to win his 10th championship.
I intend to use my Fridays off fruitfully and not just make it about cleaning the flat and cooking.

I foresee a few bittersweet moments in 2016 as well, P has found a new Girlfriend.  I want him to be happy, to find someone that will make him happy and love him as he is the sweetest man I know, I just hope his new girlfriend is secure enough to allow me to spend time with him.

And as for never being kissed when the clock strikes 12 on New Years eve.... well I guess I have to work on that too... another resolution perhaps?






new years eve

I have spent almost all New years eve alone...even when I was married and in company of family, i spent it alone.

When I was married, the husband would go off and spend new years eve at parties without me...I was home with my babies, and when I left him, the trend of being alone on new years eve, continued, except when family insisted I attended whichever party was happening.
I have welcomed the new year at the Club, at cousins, at mums, with family around me but when the clock struck 12, I always was alone.  I watched people kiss each other, and yes I envied them....its been years since I have been kissed by a man full on the lips to welcome the new year...actually I cant remember the last time that happened.

I have never felt a mans arms around me, holding me, telling me he loved me and that he looked forward to another year with me....

oh well, thats life...

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

housekeeper for hire

wanted, position as housekeeper in a remote area of the UK.

Candidate is highly organised, fifty something with extreme amounts of energy that will put the energizer bunny to shame...
Can cook delicious meals from every continent, well most of them, and what she doesnt know, she will learn to cook..
Resourceful, counts cleaning as a passion and loves to do laundry.. except ironing..

Only requirements from candidate are.. a room in the house with ensuite ( heated bathroom please)  a few hours to wander around the area to take pictures each day, internet connection that is fast and a TV with Sky..

Interested home owners please reply..

Please do not write if you have children, animals are fine....



Wednesday, 16 December 2015

that old devil called love

'Love"

What is it exactly?
How do we know what we feel for someone is love?
How do we know its not an obsession, lust or just something we want to feel, so we make it up along the way.
Have I ever been in love?  I don't know....

In our youth we had crushes on the opposite sex, we wait at the bus stop after school and let all the buses go by until we see that one guy that makes us all tingly inside, but he never looks at you, just past you... Story of my life actually but I had a few crushes while growing up, making moony eyes at the young boys I thought I was in love with.  or was it love?

Then you think you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, or in my case it was a matter of oh well why not, he loves me, he adores me, he will be there for me for ever.... until he becomes a bully and beats the shit out of me when he thinks I am not behaving...

so forever doesn't happen

I thought I was in love when i married my husband, then again when I met this guy 2 years after my divorce.. both it turns out were real duds... or probably I look for the duds and have an excuse to hide away and not have to feel anything for anyone...its easier.

Then I meet a man that seems to be the male equivalent of me... afraid to love again, prefers to keep the heart protected from any disturbance, not get involved because we don't want the drama and I wish I could be different, I wish I could admit what I feel but I am afraid that he doesn't feel the same...
The fear of rejection and the fear of not having the feelings reciprocated are making me keep mum about my feelings for him.

So I drift along in my life, avoiding that old devil called love....





Wednesday, 9 December 2015

official bottle washer

Its been about 10 days now, living in London and looking after my sister, and its been an extremely relaxing time for me.

My sister is 3 years younger than me and she refrains from talking back or complaining about my lack of domesticity in her home, even though I know its killing her that I find a few bits of dust...normal.

 If there was a domestic goddess, my sister would be it...she loves to decorate her home, change things for Christmas and add that flourish to a well kept home... I am quite the opposite.
Dust bunnies rolling around the floor like the beginning of a bad western with tumble weeds, don't bother me, but they drive her mad.... I can live in a home and ignore the fact that the table doesn't line up with the side chairs or stools.  My poor sister cant deal with that, she grits her teeth and lies on the bed and cant move.... so I take pity on her and try to straighten out her home as much as I can...
I do however tell her, to point out things to me as I am totally oblivious... well not totally but I just have a total lack of bother if they don't align.

the little tree
Her partner and I put up the tree for her, and yes she did tell us which side needed more trinkets/ornaments but she was the epitome of patience while we stuck things on the tree....

She has another 3 months of no weight bearing on her foot, to allow it to heal properly, She will however be able to wear a boot cast, in 5
sunset from the balcony
weeks time which will make her a little more mobile.

I go back to work in January, a sort of new job that I started in November and back to reality but for now till the end of December, I am going to relax and cook and feed my sister and watch daytime British TV and occasionally go take pictures....