Thursday, 17 September 2015

weighing on my mind....

So recently I have been extremely strict with what I put into my mouth.... food wise that is

As I need to watch my gluten intake, I decided to limit my carbs as well....eating less is so much easier than exercising.
I have been a very good girl these past four weeks and I think I have achieved my target of losing 3 kilos, however I have this fear somewhere in the pit of my stomach that the weighing scale is faulty.

I cannot believe that  the change from 63 to 60 kilos happened within a week......

While I want to believe,  that stupid voice in my head says " are you fucking mad...of course the machine is faulty"
so son no 2 and I had a discussion this morning
Yes, son and I are paranoid about putting on too much weight and we weigh ourselves every morning...but we do eat healthy regular meals and chocolate is part of it...

Stay tuned to find out if the machine was fucked up or I actually have lost more weight......

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Decision made

So I made my decision.....where work is concerned

I gave in my notice last week and I start my new job on the 1st of November.

I wont have any time off in between jobs but then I will be taking the whole of december off and will be in London to nurse/look after/feed my sister, who will be having foot reconstruction surgery on her left foot.

Its less money, but I will be working a 4 day week, time to slow down and take time to do things for me, myself and I.

I had to go back in my mind and figure out why I left the old company in the first place....ego, my ego was rather large and formidable.  Am happy to say it has been tamed and told to behave.  I have no illusions of grandeur anymore, no wish to advance my career, I just want to slow down and be able to travel and take time off to see and do the things I want to do before I get too old and doddery.

its semi retirement, handing over the reins to the son, so he will have to dig into his pockets and actually start contributing to the household bills....

Another new chapter.....

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

flip a life coin

I have never been good at choices

I screwed up my whole life by making all the wrong choices, or letting people make the choices for me.....well in a way I  made the choice to let them make the choices so in some crazy way,  I made the bad choices....if that makes sense?


One would think that as I age I would get better at this.... but nope, I am still making bad choices...

I work in a very volatile industry and market conditions  dictate the budgets that companies spend on events...if they don't spend, we don't get work. With so much happening in China, the rest of Asia will feel the impact which translates to a slowing economy. How will this affect me and my choices, I was offered a job recently, to go back to a company I worked for from 2001 to 2010.
so knowing there might be a slow down looming, is it wise to move?

Lets call the company I am in now...Company A
stay where I am and enjoy the 'protection' of a company that is a global player - even though I feel like I am swimming in shark infested waters.....and with a slowing down in the economy is my job safe here?

Lets call the Old place...Company B
go back to the old company that doesnt have the global shield, but still works very much like a local company, hence employee benefits a 4 day week for less money and where I know the work and still like alot of people there. Again if the economy slowed and work dried up,will they fire me...last in first out....

Company B have been talking to me for about 4 weeks and things moved pretty quickly at first,  then when it was time for them to send me a contract, they dragged their feet and it pissed me off.....It takes 5 mins to  change a few things on a contract template.   If I had not sent a message to them to say thank you but no thanks as no contract, I wonder if I would have got the contract....

I was almost certain that I would leave Company A for B, but their procrastination gave me food for thought. If they still couldn't  get their act together, to send me a template contract, did I really want to go back?  Am I worrying too much?

what is a woman to do....flip a coin?

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Howling at the moon

Things have been a  bit up and down lately.

Getting  older isnt much fun,thinking about retirement, creaking bones, wrinkles, singlehood and white hair......
There are days I want to find an open field ( impossible in our crowded city), lie down and just stare at the sky and when darkness falls, sit up and howl at the moon.

Then there are days when I relish singlehood, being alone and the wrinkles and the white hair.....

Must be the meds...........

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

On my way to Sepang..or the end of procrastination

Procrastination is my middle name

I will sit back and let life take over and rarely do the things I want to do.  I figure that if I wait long enough the window of opportunity will expire and then I can just say, "oh well too late..."

I am tired of procrastinating.  I want to stop procrastinating......that should have been one of my new years resolutions...I wonder if its too late to add on a resolution.....anyway

I have always wanted to go to Sepang to watch a MotoGP race, but I hesitated because I didnt want to go on my own.  I recently realised that I have to do this on my own.
If I want to go and see the world, see and do the things I want to do, I have to do it on my own.

So this year I will be going to Sepang.....on my own.  I have got my one day leave approved, bought and paid for the tickets to the races, the flight to Kuala Lumpur and a hotel.
and I am excited.  Come October 24th, I will be in Sepang to finally watch a race live!

Heres to the end of procrastination..... I hope

Friday, 17 July 2015

Adventures of living with my adult son

I am not a girly girl, I am a sensible straight up woman who sometimes does have visions (nightmares) of pink and lace bedrooms and pretty things......then I wake up and sigh with relief.

I still have an adult son living with me, it's Asia, kids stay with parents till parents kick them out, which rarely happens....or till they find a spouse that won't tolerate living with the in laws.
I have no such woman will want to marry that dolt still living with me, and my hints of him moving out fall on deaf ears.

So being a sensible woman I am not fazed by a tall hairy man wandering around in his underwear all around the flat, we even have conversations in the kitchen, with him in his skivvies, he is after all my little baby.  Big hairy baby now.
He doesn't pick up after him self, he leaves his folded laundry on the coffee table, just where I left it a week ago. Yes, I still do his laundry.... And I can go on about him....

He works almost 7 days a week at times,  for the sports council here, and this week is no different, yet he will still go out drinking with his friends who work the usual 5 day week, and on days like today (a public holiday) while everyone can sleep in after partying hard the night before, this little shit of mine has to work. As he is shitfaced, he usually is late.....
It's slightly different today though.

He stumbles out of his room at 9am, I watch him head to my room,

Me: oi! Where u going?
Him: hmmrmmmphmmm

Is he going to use my bathroom? What's wrong with his?
20 mins later I thought I'd better check if he had fallen asleep in my toilet.....and I found this, the idiot asleep in my bed!  Worse part he drools .......will have to wash my sheets now.....

Tuesday, 14 July 2015


I am lying in bed typing this post on my iPad while my tummy churns, cramps and leaves me exhausted because of the pain.....yet I feel guilty about not being at work.

It's a common trait handed down by mothers to daughters especially if you are Indian....
Or maybe it's just me?

Could it be linked to the control thing? right now I am not in control of my body and how it is making me feel, I can't leave my bed, or bedroom as the toilet is a hop skip and a jump away, or in my case, a mad scramble to get to the loo in time.
But I feel guilty that I am not at work, doing my job. It's a horrible feeling.  I know I can't make it to work today, and I know it's ridiculous to feel this way, yet I can't help myself.

Some how somewhere this guilt complex stays within me making me feel like a failure when I get sick.....
Another twist in my already twisted life.....

Monday, 29 June 2015

the beach getaway

When Singaporeans need to get away for a  bit we either got to Bali, Phuket or to a couple of islands close by,  Batam or Bintan.  2 friends and I decided to find an island to get away from work  and we found this little treasure further afield.  An island that was a 1.5 hours  motorized boat ride away from Batam.

The resort is built like the fishermens village on stilts in the sea, its rustic and there are no shops or entertainment on the island. Its just the resort.
I was apprehensive about the boat ride as  I cant swim so water terrifies me, especially on a big open expanse of water. sitting in a ferry isnt so bad, but when we went to the little boat, I felt my stomach tighten and while I am not a religious woman, I did  say a little prayer while getting on the boat.


Hot sticky and full  of sea spray, we arrived in the middle of the afternoon at Telunas Beach Resort.

There was running water, electricity from a generator a nice balcony, comfortable beds and towels.
my deck chair under the tree
You could see the sea under the floorboards of the room.

The beach had white soft sand and about a million baby crabs which we duly chased each morning.  The water however was not so clear, which was a disappointment.

As this is the only resort on the island, the whole package included the 3 meals.  They had this lobby/cafe where we had all our meals.The food wasnt  anything to write home about but it was plentiful and filled our stomachs.

army of baby crabs

We ate, slept, sat on the beach and lazed around all day. We terrorised hermit crabs, took pictures, had wine after dinner and played cards.
baby crabs
It was relaxing, quiet and fun, Not a television in sight..... although some people had brought their ipads with them loaded with movies and kids programs

This place is not for the city person who wants a  shop till you drop type of holiday, its a place to go to when you want to recharge, relax and to reconnect with yourself.
And we definitely achieved that.

hammocks by the beach
hermit crab in a snail shell, one of the poor ones we terrorised

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

another twist in the tuscany tale

So I may not be able to do Tuscany this year after all

Last year,  my sister who lives in London, had an operation to reconstruct her right foot, and once she had healed fully, she was supposed to do her left foot.  Its been a year and she is going to see her surgeon tomorrow to find out if she will have the operation this year in October or November, or to wait a bit more till next year.

My sister has her partner to help her but this is round the clock care and she needs someone to cook and serve her meals, help her with everything, throughout the whole day.  I helped her last year for 2 weeks ( which wasnt enough) and I promised her I would go help her again when she did the left foot.

As I dont have enough leave to have a holiday and to play mum and nurse to my sister, I will have to wait and see what the surgeon says before I make any holiday plans.

kind of sweet really, no not her operation, but the fact that the decision has been sort of made for me.....

till tomorrow then.....

Friday, 12 June 2015

to tuscany I go ....or not

So I had grand plans to go to Tuscany for a walking tour this September.,however the walk that I was interested in didn't have a group walk scheduled for September.

There was the option to go for a private walk where it was just me and the guide but that would cost me the equivalent of a third word country's economic deficit... well slight exaggeration but you get the drift..
There was a scheduled walk for the end of October but that would clash with the dates of the MotoGP in Sepang, Malaysia, which I intend to go for.

The whole idea for this walk in Tuscany was to get out to explore the Tuscan countryside and small towns, with my trusty camera. While I was in Tuscany in September, I planned to catch the MotoGP in Misano which is about a few hours drive away from Florence.

Rossi in action
It would have been sweet to catch Valentino Rossi (my favourite rider in the GP)  in Misano.  Rossi is one of the veterans in the MotoGP but is doing exceptionally well this  season, and to catch him at his home race would be an ultimate " I can die happy now " experience.

So now I have to decide what I want to do.

A. Go to Tuscany anyway this September and just explore Florence and another city and watch Rossi at Misano and do Sepang as well.


B.  Forget Tuscany this year and just catch Rossi at the Sepang Race, and do the Tuscany walk next year and catch Rossi next season at Misano.

Making decisions have never been one of my strengths...I procrastinate to the point where its too late to do anything and then just think... oh well.

I also am a little apprehensive as I will be doing it all alone.
Not afraid of being alone just worried about rapists,murderers, robbers and pickpockets and those sorts of things.
I should put on my big girl face and just go and explore the world by myself as waiting for the perfect time when I can get someone to go with me, will probably never happen...

so lets see if I make it to Tuscany this year.....

Monday, 8 June 2015

challenging indeed...

Challenging......he said our next walk would be challenging....

We did 12 kms off road, and some on road but mostly sandy rocky paths and oh MY GOD there were slopes and stairs to climb. it certainly pushed me to my limits.

Map of MacRitchie
We met at 7.30am at MacRitchie Reservoir Park for our walk around the reservoir.   Its a beautiful water catchment area, a little bit of a green lung in the middle of our built up skyscraper of a city.  There are monkeys, monitor lizards, snakes (I didn't stumble over any, thank god..) and a variety of birds....but I saw none of that as I was concentrating on my footing on the rocky paths, and trying to avoid all the traffic...
traffic ?? you say....yes traffic.
There were so may runners on the narrow paths that  avoiding them took full concentration.

We even managed to get to the tree top walk by 9am, I did not however take advantage of the view....something about being scared of heights that kept me from looking out to enjoy the wonder of being up there with the tree tops.

It was extremely humid and hot and both of us were exhausted by the time we reached the cafe for a much needed round of nourishment.

no I didnt take this pic...too scared to let go of the sides
It is a magnificent walk to do.  Even with the annoying number of fit people that you have to avoid on the trails, it was a beautiful way to start the weekend.

I didnt get to do a walk this weekend  past and P is going away soon which will leave me to get on with my own planning and training...

lets see how that goes!

In case you want to see some pictures I took on another occasion I was at the Reservoir - see my flickr account

Thursday, 28 May 2015

what a difference a herb makes....

I loathe taking any types of medication.

When I was little and there was no inhalers for my asthma, I had to take a few pills every day and most of the time I used to hide it under the cushions in the kitchen.  I didnt get better of course, but at least they werent sticking in my throat....

As I get older and the body starts to fall apart, I have realised that some pills I dont have a choice but to take, and some I actually have chosen to take ( like the natural estrogen supplements)

I  have to take my thyroid meds first thing in the morning,and thats one small little pill, then after breakfast I take one vitamin D pill and 2 pills that are a herbal estrogen supplement to help me stay calm, cool and collected, to make sure I dont become the  crazy snarling bitch that sweats intermittently.

7 dwarfs all in one 
When the manufacturers of the herbal estrogen supplement changed some of the ingredients, I found that the mood swings and hot flashes were becoming detrimental to my health and everyone else within arms length of me....
I was crying for no apparent reason, I couldnt sleep as the hot flashes kept me awake at night and well....I was just one miserable cow.

So I ordered some additional  herbal supplements (Black Kohosh) that were lacking in the pills I already had, to help with the mood swings and the hot flashes.
Its been three days and my general mood has taken a whole new dimension......I am a different person, I feel more alert and positive and happy.  The hot flashes are getting better as well.

Is it possible for the supplements to take effect so quickly?  The way I am feeling...I think yes it can.
Possible side effects?
There are side effects though, but as I am only going to be taking the black kohosh supplement for a month I guess the risks would be minimal....right?  After a month I am changing to a different natural estrogen supplement that would include all the herbs I need.

Even with side effects ( like a slight woozy headache in the morning) and the fact that I now have to pop a total of 5 pills, I am thrilled that the black kohosh has made a difference to my general well being.

Men have it so much easier, no periods, no giving birth, no hormone imbalance,  no menopause..... bastards...

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

relatively fit indeed.....

So on Sunday morning I was up early and out of the house before 7am to meet with P to start my 'training"

P had planned a walk starting from the National Stadium (which is now our Sports Hub and a brilliant place to meet and exercise..) down by the Kallang River, up to the Marina Barrage area and past Gardens by the Bay and Marina Bay sands, and back again.  Its a scenic, flat area to walk and its about 11 kms if you do the full circle, which we did.

When P said it would take us about 2 to 2.5 hours to do the round,  I didnt think I would be able to do it.  I surprised myself though, and because P set a slow pace that I could manage, it turned out to be a very pleasant Sunday morning walk.  We kept a decent pace and finished the 11 kms in 2 hours and a bit.  We stopped at one point for a short breather (purely for me as P runs marathons for goodness sake and he definitely was not showing any signs of being tired..) , and for me to adjust my shoes.  The promise of a hot coffee and breakfast at the end of the line also made up for any tiredness I was feeling.

I am quite proud of myself for completing it and there is no way I would have done it without having P there with me.   So P has been promoted to Personal trainer and this coming weekend we are going to try something a little more challenging....

Now that I am getting into the swing of this walking thing, I may need to go buy some new exercise gear......

Friday, 22 May 2015

save my soul wanderlust

Every so often I get itchy feet.

Or rather my soul feels restless and I have this urge to leave everything and everyone behind.

Its been awhile since I had a holiday and by holiday I mean a few weeks of traveling and being on my own to explore.  Yes,  that costs money, and a good boss who will let me take off for 3 weeks. Money wise, I usually set aside a few thousand every year for house improvements, and I figure this year  that money can go into my "save my soul" budget. The boss... well fingers crossed my leave gets approved...

I have booked a short beach getaway in June with a couple of the girls and that will help to restore some balance..... but its not enough.  

San Gimignano
I have wanted to do Tuscany for  some time now and I found a few companies that offer walking tours through the Tuscan towns and hills.  It will allow me the opportunity to wander and take pictures, visit old monasteries, walk medieval streets and if I plan it right, be in Tuscany for the MotoGP in September.

Its a 7 day walking tour through towns like Sienna, San Gimignano, and I can end up in Florence where I intend to spend a few days gawking at renaissance art.

I am relatively fit (apart from the asthma) but walking a few miles each day is something that will require some preparation.
So this Sunday morning I will start my 'training' with P ( sweet man that he is, has volunteered to help me with my training) and we begin with a 5 to 6 mile walk on a flat surface....

I may have to do this on my own but if anyone out there wants to join me for a soul cleansing walk through history.... leave a comment.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

red dawn

its been hot

and I have been taking pictures of the rising sun this past week as when its a red dawn you know  its going to be a hot day...
This morning....6.30am


Monday, 18 May 2015

Menopause mayhem

So the usual supplements I take to lessen the mayhem that comes with menopause, were no longer available from my suppliers
The manufacturers changed the contents of the supplements and left out a few key herbs that helped with mood swings, depression and hot sweats.....

So for the last few weeks I have been on a roller coaster ride with mood swings and tears.
And unfortunately it's been while I have been at work.
My twin in Perth told me off, "stop being so negative and try no to let your emotions get the better of u at work."

It's been tough.  I was left without one member of our small admin team and I assumed I was supposed to take over everything....I take on too much as it is and I started feeling fatalistic and took on the persona of the usual victim who's mantra is always"why me".....
I have been trying to let some positive shine through but the easy option of wrapping up myself in a cocoon of woe was too easy.

So I ordered some new supplements (they don't come till the end of the month) and am trying to maintain a clean eating regime which does help a bit...
Will I be able to focus and be positive at work?   I don't know,  but I am going to try and snap out of the misery and woe and see how I can turn this into a good thing...

Until the new supplements arrive and while I am still struggling with being overwhelmed at work, I shall lay blame for the mayhem at the feet of that old devil..menopause.

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Find someone to sit with you.....

My mother calls me almost everyday, just for a quick chat.

Recently Dads death anniversary had come around and she was feeling reflective and depressed and lonely.She missed Dad, even though he sometimes was a shit head, he was her shithead and they would have been doing things together.  "Find someone" she told me.

That night I watched re runs of Wallander, and in that particular episode,  the main character's father tells him "Find someone to sit with you"

Its getting harder to delude myself into thinking that I can just be alone, I know that  I want  a companion, friend and lover, I don't  want a person forever constantly at my heels but someone who has his own life and we occasionally spend holidays or do things together... Someone willing to let me into his life and actually want to give me some of his time and someone who would let me be independent and have my own time.

So those words were a kind of wake up call.....because I want someone to be with me, I want to find someone I can have that slightly strange relationship with ..............someone who wants to sit with me.........

Monday, 11 May 2015

a fuck off bitch face

I lack the necessary skills to communicate with my fellow colleagues.......or perhaps its just that my feelings towards some of my colleagues show clearly on my face.

I sit in the management meetings ( yes i somehow am part of the small management team) and I have to give updates on the usual office things and  some of the items on my list are stupid nonsense that needs saying like "wear your access pass cos we dont have a receptionist anymore to let you into the office."

So I tend to be serious in these meetings and I was just told by the boss that I should be careful in case people got the wrong impression.......
So while I think half of the people on the management team dont walk the talk they preach, I have to try to be civil to them during meetings.....

I am not here to make friends, its just work....and when I am serious and am concentrating on a task I tend to just get down to business and I do forget to smile and make small talk....but then if its people I dont like,  I really dont want to make small talk or give my updates and requests with a smile....

Besides, I dont realise I am being "grumpy" and serious, I just think lets get on with the meeting and move on to the next thing.....

But obviously I do rub people the wrong way and it does have a lot to do with my rather bored, fuck off and leave me alone bitch face.....

and I wonder why no one wants to ask me out.....

Thursday, 9 April 2015

on a very strict diet.....well maybe not that strict but strict enough

Singapore is a food lovers delight and as Asians we love having hot meals for lunch as well as dinner. So the food courts are filled with places that sell hot steaming bowls of noodles, rice with hot aromatic dishes and food that covers all Asian ethnic cravings...
So lunch became a gorge fest, with me eating everything I imagined...even forgetting that I should be eating gluten free.

So I put on a few extra kilos and the clothes didn't quite fit anymore.  Always a call to action I say, when the clothes don't fit.
I found a food delivery service that actually delivered healthy options, including Gluten free, to the office.
my daily lunch
I signed up for it and so far have had 3 meals and will continue this for the month of April.
I also have been limiting carbs and eating healthy for dinner at home ( no more crisps and chocolates) and even if its been less than a week of eating healthy, I am feeling better and the clothes aren't so tight.

The problem (there always is a problem) is how long can I sustain eating these delivered meals as it tastes quite bland and for the last 3 meals I have had grilled peppers....I hate peppers. I have however paid for a months worth of meals so I would have to suck it up and just eat it and perhaps bring in some flavour from home like my homemade Sambal ( its like a chili jam)  and left over veg.

My aim is to lose at least 4 kilos and then maintain that weight.  Treats will have to be limited as I put it all back on very easily....I blame menopause and age and not the fact that we just really should be exercising more and eating less and having smaller portions.

When will I learn, probably never,  but I will keep trying to eat smaller portions of healthier food as I really do not look or feel good when fat!

Monday, 6 April 2015


What is molest.  The dictionary defines it as

1.  To bother, interfere with or annoy
2.  To make indecent sexual advances to
3.  To assault sexually

Molesting someone doesn't sound as bad as sexually assaulting someone.  The word somehow denotes that molest is less serious than a sexual assault.
It isn't.
Molest is usually a person trying to touch you on certain body parts that no one else should touch except for your partner/lover/spouse.

Its a common phenomenon in crowded cities and Singapore has seen a rise in cases.  It is usually men molesting women.  And yes I do know some women make it up or are mistaken that molest has taken place....but how do we know?

A few weeks ago I was on my way home through a very crowded tunnel of the underground train station. This particular station is a disaster waiting to happen as there are no separate areas for the coming and going of people who are rushing to different platforms to catch their trains.
A tall heavy set man took the opportunity to walk straight into me and his arm went straight into my chest  It was not an accident. This man had a lot of space to avoid me but he deliberately walked into me and pushed his arm into my chest and dragged it across my left boob..  There was nothing accidental about that.

It happened in the blink of an eye, and he was gone within seconds, swallowed up into the crowd and while I did yell after him, I couldn't see where he had gone.
Should I have reported it?  What would I have said?
I couldn't remember what he looked like except that he was a fat smelly Chinese Man.
I couldn't remember what he wore except that it was a dark brown tshirt.

So I just made my way home.....but men take the opportunity in crowded areas to get away with touching women.  Because they can......

I still take the train to that station to get home but I dread walking through that tunnel to my connecting train in case it happens again. While  Singapore is relatively safe, I have never taken it for granted, but I got complacent and I thought that my age would have been a deterrent to any molester.

A used to ask me why I didnt travel alone or just go out and wander around on my own.....this is the reason.  I have been molested before, my boobs seem to bring out the worst in men. Men seem to think they can just reach out and grab.

Always be on your guard ladies...... men will take any opportunity anywhere anytime....