Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Loveless liaisons

So....I have been with A for awhile now and we have stopped and started our arrangement from Nov of  2009.

My reasoning for going back and resurrecting the arrangement a dozen times, was that I didn't want to be without him, no matter how little he gave back.  I was happy with any smidgen of attention he threw my way.

He set rules on what we could and couldn't do and I was not allowed a goodbye kiss after an assignation.
No involvement, no meeting for anything else except to fulfil our mutual need for sex (which isn't just sex but a meeting of trust, solace, mutually beneficial pleasing of each other.....and alot of other crap I let myself believe)

I compromised on what I wanted, which was a full relationship with him, just to have that tiny piece that he gave.
Compromise....no doormat actually.  That is what I have been.

I recently told him no more (again) as he started to lay more rules, that we couldn't meet at my place as my son would know he had been (as the smell of his cigarettes would linger and son would know he had visited) and he didn't want to get involved....

Side track a bit here......
it was quite hilarious once, I usually plan our assignations when Son isn't home and I know he wont be back till late, well Son came home as we were sitting on the sofa after sex, watching TV and chatting.  You know those Mastercard ads.....well A's face was quite priceless when Son came home and saw him......  We've been 'caught' only once.....

Anyway
after a bit of back and forth with him, he throws in a question
"Do I think the sparkle is lost a bit?"  he thinks maybe it has.....

So its no more, I want a relationship with a man who wants to be with me, someone who isn't afraid to love me.  (sounds like an echo ......I have written about this soooooo maaannnnyyyy times)
I dont blame him though, its me that thought I could make him love me.  Maybe he would want a relationship with me, maybe he would love me enough to want to try some compromises of his own.....Yes he has said " it's me not you"  a dozen times....
Yes I want to kick me too..

I did see what a relationship could be like with P, but he smothered me a little and I retreated pretty quickly. So its trying to find a balance, its looking for someone to have an adult relationship with,  not as A put it, a complication.

Am I done with our loveless liaisons...I sure hope so.  I give my friends permission to bitch slap me into tomorrow if I go back to it.


Friday, 22 January 2016

escapism

So in my usual way I have been escaping my mundane life

I have been going to the movies.

I have a ritual when I flee to the cinema to escape, and woe be anyone that gets in my way.  This afternoon, the first day of my three day weekend, I decided to head into town to watch The Danish Girl.  I must have popcorn while I snuggle into the chair in the darkness of the cold cinema, looking up into the screen, all ready to elude reality.

Today however the cinema popcorn stand was unable to sell me popcorn, because they had a system breakdown and all the tills were inoperable.  I was told to try the stands down stairs, which I did and it was the same situation there.  Now I am the sort of person who likes to get into my seat in the cinema, before the ads start or event the trailers....... so there I was 10 mins to get to my seat with no popcorn and being confronted by absolute idiots who were rude and unwilling to tell me anything except that they needed exact change if I wanted to purchase anything.... I asked if I could take in food from anywhere else ( I was hungry as I skipped lunch for the popcorn) as the cinema halls have a strict policy of no other food allowed in.... I was just told to ask her manager who was all in a flap as the system was down.... duh!!

Well suffice to say, I was not a happy camper but I left them to it, got fries from Mcdonalds, and hid it in my handbag, and went to find my cinema hall and my seat to retreat  into the shadowy bowels of celluloid dreams...

Sunday, 10 January 2016

Dead Media

My TV died

It just stopped working, and on checking, found that the warranty to repair it for free expired in Nov 2015....
I subscribe to cable television because there isnt anything to watch on normal TV, and I had just renewed my package for another 2 years.  I feel cheated in a way, no TV but I have the subscription.

I called the service centre and trying to get someone to actually listen and fix an appointment to come down to take a look at it, took me 2 days.  I finally managed to talk to the technician and he quoted a price and said someone will call to make an appointment....I am still waiting.
As it is the weekend I cant call them back to find out an appointment date until Monday.  I wont be able to get an appointment on the days I work, which means a whole week without the TV, or more.

I have missed the white noise in the background as I reluctantly finish up the household chores, but then I am also forced to tackle some things without the distraction of mindless drivel on the TV.

I cleared out my whole room, cleared out my wardrobe and as I had to pack away my winter coats, after my trip to London which wasnt very cold anyway... also cleared out all the old woollen turtle neck sweaters I have had sine the 70's..  cleaned every bit of furniture in the room ....son no 2 said I was bored... I think its just less distraction.

I do have a thumbdrive full of season 3 of Orange is the New Black which I have to get through so that has been occupying my evenings, and I am reading again, 3 books at once though...
and son no 2 subscribed to netflix...

Which begs the question - Are TV's and the old mediums of media obsolete?
another post perhaps.
for now I am busy cleaning the corners and hardly touched areas of the home..

Friday, 1 January 2016

the year of endless possibilities

2015 was supposed to be my year of endless possibilities... and in a way it was.

I changed jobs, went back to  my old employer and am actually wondering if I did the right thing... well only time will tell but one thing I know I did right was to walk away from a job that was getting me down because of the bitterness and bullshit in the atmosphere.

I finally was honest with myself about my feelings for A and what I wanted from a man.  Its baby steps for now and I am learning about circumventing this whole 'non' relationship thing. I have no idea where it will go with A but I am determined to try.  Enough of hiding away and waiting for something to happen.

I made it to a live motogp race in Malaysia, which I did by myself.  It was exhilarating, scary but great fun, and I made a new friend there.

My Resolutions for 2015 were not quite resolutions,  but I promised myself the following:

Blog more
Take more time off to take pictures
And be as honest as I can be.....

I think I did achieve some of them... How does one measure the achievability ( is that even a word)  of a resolution anyway?  its not like a KPI or anything....

So all in all not a bad year..actually quite a good year...

so what are my resolutions for 2016...... No procrastinating....

Its going to be an interesting and exciting year as I have a wedding to attend... son no 1 will be getting married in Canada in August and the family is gearing up for a couple of weeks in Canada to witness the joyous occasion. I am going to be a mother in law!

I am also determined to go to Sepang again to watch Valentino Rossi attempt to win his 10th championship.
I intend to use my Fridays off fruitfully and not just make it about cleaning the flat and cooking.

I foresee a few bittersweet moments in 2016 as well, P has found a new Girlfriend.  I want him to be happy, to find someone that will make him happy and love him as he is the sweetest man I know, I just hope his new girlfriend is secure enough to allow me to spend time with him.

And as for never being kissed when the clock strikes 12 on New Years eve.... well I guess I have to work on that too... another resolution perhaps?






new years eve

I have spent almost all New years eve alone...even when I was married and in company of family, i spent it alone.

When I was married, the husband would go off and spend new years eve at parties without me...I was home with my babies, and when I left him, the trend of being alone on new years eve, continued, except when family insisted I attended whichever party was happening.
I have welcomed the new year at the Club, at cousins, at mums, with family around me but when the clock struck 12, I always was alone.  I watched people kiss each other, and yes I envied them....its been years since I have been kissed by a man full on the lips to welcome the new year...actually I cant remember the last time that happened.

I have never felt a mans arms around me, holding me, telling me he loved me and that he looked forward to another year with me....

oh well, thats life...

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

housekeeper for hire

wanted, position as housekeeper in a remote area of the UK.

Candidate is highly organised, fifty something with extreme amounts of energy that will put the energizer bunny to shame...
Can cook delicious meals from every continent, well most of them, and what she doesnt know, she will learn to cook..
Resourceful, counts cleaning as a passion and loves to do laundry.. except ironing..

Only requirements from candidate are.. a room in the house with ensuite ( heated bathroom please)  a few hours to wander around the area to take pictures each day, internet connection that is fast and a TV with Sky..

Interested home owners please reply..

Please do not write if you have children, animals are fine....



Wednesday, 16 December 2015

that old devil called love

'Love"

What is it exactly?
How do we know what we feel for someone is love?
How do we know its not an obsession, lust or just something we want to feel, so we make it up along the way.
Have I ever been in love?  I don't know....

In our youth we had crushes on the opposite sex, we wait at the bus stop after school and let all the buses go by until we see that one guy that makes us all tingly inside, but he never looks at you, just past you... Story of my life actually but I had a few crushes while growing up, making moony eyes at the young boys I thought I was in love with.  or was it love?

Then you think you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, or in my case it was a matter of oh well why not, he loves me, he adores me, he will be there for me for ever.... until he becomes a bully and beats the shit out of me when he thinks I am not behaving...

so forever doesn't happen

I thought I was in love when i married my husband, then again when I met this guy 2 years after my divorce.. both it turns out were real duds... or probably I look for the duds and have an excuse to hide away and not have to feel anything for anyone...its easier.

Then I meet a man that seems to be the male equivalent of me... afraid to love again, prefers to keep the heart protected from any disturbance, not get involved because we don't want the drama and I wish I could be different, I wish I could admit what I feel but I am afraid that he doesn't feel the same...
The fear of rejection and the fear of not having the feelings reciprocated are making me keep mum about my feelings for him.

So I drift along in my life, avoiding that old devil called love....





Wednesday, 9 December 2015

official bottle washer

Its been about 10 days now, living in London and looking after my sister, and its been an extremely relaxing time for me.

My sister is 3 years younger than me and she refrains from talking back or complaining about my lack of domesticity in her home, even though I know its killing her that I find a few bits of dust...normal.

 If there was a domestic goddess, my sister would be it...she loves to decorate her home, change things for Christmas and add that flourish to a well kept home... I am quite the opposite.
Dust bunnies rolling around the floor like the beginning of a bad western with tumble weeds, don't bother me, but they drive her mad.... I can live in a home and ignore the fact that the table doesn't line up with the side chairs or stools.  My poor sister cant deal with that, she grits her teeth and lies on the bed and cant move.... so I take pity on her and try to straighten out her home as much as I can...
I do however tell her, to point out things to me as I am totally oblivious... well not totally but I just have a total lack of bother if they don't align.

the little tree
Her partner and I put up the tree for her, and yes she did tell us which side needed more trinkets/ornaments but she was the epitome of patience while we stuck things on the tree....

She has another 3 months of no weight bearing on her foot, to allow it to heal properly, She will however be able to wear a boot cast, in 5
sunset from the balcony
weeks time which will make her a little more mobile.

I go back to work in January, a sort of new job that I started in November and back to reality but for now till the end of December, I am going to relax and cook and feed my sister and watch daytime British TV and occasionally go take pictures....




Tuesday, 1 December 2015

i miss my cats..

Its been awhile since I have had to share my space with animals...unless I count son no 2 as an animal.. hmm

anyway

A few weeks ago, I was watching Conan O'Brien and in his opening monologue, he happened to mention that cats were dicks, and he was right.  All those cat videos showing cats knocking things off shelves, smacking dogs and running off and just doing stupid things, well for non cat owners, know this, its all true.  there is no need to edit any videos to try to show up cats, because its all true.
Smeagol - ate the chair

William - the good boy
When my cats died, I swore I would not get any more pets as you fall in love with these pets then they die or in my case they get sick and I had to make the decision to put them down.  I do miss my cats even if they were dicks.

As I am in London now with my sister, I will be sharing space with 2 delightful cats.  William is older, hes probably about 16 years old and Smeagol is about 2 years old and is an extremely mischievous little... dick


watching the squirrels

Thursday, 26 November 2015

off to London I go

So I get a whole month off.

I leave for London on Friday evening and I only get back at the end of December.  Its a sort of holiday I guess, I will have to be general bottle washer and cook for my sister who had her left foot reconstructed last week.. last year she did her right foot and now it was about time to get the left one sorted.  She will be on bed rest with no weight allowed on her left foot for 3 months.  I could only commit one month to help out.

Thing is, when people hear I took time off work to go be with her in London, everyone is surprised and thinks I am doing a lovely thing for my sister.... but seriously, wouldn't you try if you could, to be there for your family and besides, come on people, its London for fuck sake.   Hardly a chore to be in London for Christmas and I do love the cold and winters...
It's a no brainer as far as I am concerned, that you do your best to be there for people you care about and love.  It's non negotiable.  Its a sad world if anyone thinks that I am doing something good just because I am going to help someone I love.....




Tuesday, 17 November 2015

medical insurance the singapore way

The powers that be recently launched a medical insurance scheme for all Singaporeans.  they deliberated this for a few years and finally came up with a plan which would benefit every Singaporean.....

My older son lives in Canada now and while he has Permanent Residence status in Canada, he is still a citizen in Singapore and he too will have to contribute to this Medishield Life scheme.
I open all his official mail that comes to the flat as these things have to dealt with, so  his letter from Medishield Life says he doesnt' have enough money in his Medisave account (Medisave is our compulsory savings for medical emergencies, a portion of our salary is taken away to be put into our central provident fund and it gets split into the medisave, ordinary and  special accounts, our government really looks after us)

anyway..... as the son doesn't have enough money in his Medisave account, a family member can top up the account and he will be able to pay the premiums.... what if he doesn't want this as he is paying medical insurance in Canada as well.... well its compulsory, its a benefit for all Singaporeans, but what happens if he doesn't pay.  see the screen shot from the websites.......



One question on the FAQ's page was " will I be arrested if I am unable to pay my premiums -
the answer......



  • You will not be arrested if you are unable to pay for your MediShield Life premiums. Various forms of support are available to help with the payment of your MediShield Life premiums.
    However if an insured person is informed that he is restricted from leaving the country until his MediShield Life premiums are paid, but still tries to leave the country, he will be arrested


  • so actually you will be arrested if you don't pay.....

    Another wonderful day in the life of living in Singapore.....

    Thursday, 5 November 2015

    Making an impact

    It was with mixed feelings that I left my job, I was getting used to the work and the people, and of course I hated leaving the people I was responsible for.  

    Some people come along and touch your life and make an impact, and you know they will always feature somewhere in your life.  I never thought I made an impact in their life and it did give me food for thought when I received an interns home made card.


    Me as wonder woman..... and she wrote 
    " I feel very fortunate to have met you during my internship at GPJ.  You are undoubtedly one of the smartest and feistiest ladies I know! I really admire & respect your strong personality & independent approach to life.  Thank you for being a great friend and such a fun person to talk to.
    I will miss our conversations, but I wish you all the best for the future and whatever you decide to do next.
    Keep kicking butt" 
    There were other cards and presents and it all touched me deeply.  Life is a journey isn't it.... We meet people that affect us in so many ways and in turn we affect others.  I have seen myself through this young girls eyes and it has made me think about who I am and knowing that I made an impact in someone's life makes it kind of worth it...

    Wednesday, 28 October 2015

    Best thing I ever did


    I was up early on saturday for my 40 min flight to Kuala Lumpur and  I noticed several people sporting tshirts that told me they too were on their way to Sepang to watch the race.

    Once we landed at Kuala Lumpur I overheard a man asking for directions to the shuttle buses that took people to the race circuit,and later on I met the same man down by the exits and I struck up a conversation with him.  Luca, the Italian worked and lived in Singapore and this was his first visit to the Sepang Race circuit, just like me....

    So Luca and I hung out together during the weekend.  I realised I should have taken a picture with him but oh well....

    Moto3
    Nothing describes the noise of the engines as they go roaring past the stands, you can feel it in your bones and the noise stays in your head long after you have left the circuit.

    the stands were overcrowded, as this race was
    Vale waving to his fans at the Rossi Grandstand
    promising to be a cracker as Valentino Rossi had started a verbal war with Marc Marquez which  translated to dog fights on the track ..... it did however push Vale to make a mistake in judgement and Marquez crashed out of the race because of it.  exciting and controversial...

    As an event organiser I couldnt stop myself looking around to see  how things could have been done better....and man I was gritting my teeth at the obvious lack of organisation.... the shuttle buses location, the pick up points, the lack of manpower to direct human traffic, the total disregard to human safety, fire regulations and the overcrowding of stands and busses, the lack of water and food at the stalls..... I could go on. But somehow all of that didnt spoil my mood and even when I was being shoved in front of the shuttle bus as the crowd surged to try and get on it....I still didnt lose my cool but calmly moved out of the crowd and walked to the other point where I knew my bus would be.  Even when I realised I was in the wrong line (it was the line to buy tickets for the return shuttles) I still didnt get impatient at the lack of signs or that I had lost 10 minutes in the wrong queue...

    as a life expereince, it ranks up there as one of the top three things I have ever done, the first two
    Valentino Rossi
    being having my two babies... and I am already looking forward to next year...


    Tuesday, 20 October 2015

    excited...4 sleeps to go

    so the Motogp has been building up to be one cracker of a season.

    Valentino Rossi, 9 times champion and at 36 years old is the old man on the track, has been at the top of the championship points table for some time now.... and with 2 races left to go, his closest rival is 11 points behind him.

    Excerpt from the Motogp website -

    Mathematically Rossi could claim the title in Malaysia if he is third or higher and Lorenzo is unable to score. Even if this scenario does not occur, Rossi can finish second in the remaining two rounds and still secure his tenth world title.

    The next race is at Sepang, Malaysia, and I am finally going to be at the circuit to watch a race, live.
    I usually like to watch the race on TV as you get the whole view of the race not just when they go whizzing past your seat.  I probably wont get to see all the action as the Sepang track doesnt have enough large screens for spectators to watch the whole race but its the atmosphere and the noise and just being physically there.

    As usual I like to plan things.....so I start stressing about location, hotel, getting there, exits and taxi ranks and food and everything under the sun....must be the event planner in me. I have poured over the map of the circuit several times over the last few days, getting my bearings....The fact that I am going there alone and doing this on my own has got everyone worried,  and people, it is not helping me when you keep asking me if I will be safe and will I get unwanted attention from strange men.....
    I have travelled alone and I have lived in Malaysia and I do  beleive that I am observant and aware enough of my surroundings to anticipate any trouble.  of course Murphy can rear his ugly head and  "what can go wrong will go wrong" will be top most in my head, and that should keep me on my toes.

    But
    I am excited...I just cant fucking wait to get on the plane on Saturday morning and spend my weekend with like minded people to watch the MotoGP live and feel the noise of the machines reverberate right through me...




    Friday, 9 October 2015

    me myself and I.... and simone

    Simone:  You are fucking crazy and you bloody know it

    Me: why!! why am I crazy?

    Simone: Because he will hurt you again and again and agian

    Me: I know that...of course I bloody know that

    Simone:  Then why, why do you want him back?

    Me:  Sometimes you give me too much credit..... like you think I have a fucking clue...

    Simone:  Which is why I think you are crazy

    Me:  thats not the same, me being crazy has nothing to do with  having a clue or not

    Simone:  You are crazy, You let P get away

    Me: No I am not crazy, P wants the passion and I cant give him that while I am still crazy about A

    Simone:  see I told you, you were crazy

    Me: Oh for fucks sake


    thats how the conversations go in my head.....
    ** simone is the voice in my head**


    Thursday, 17 September 2015

    weighing on my mind....

    So recently I have been extremely strict with what I put into my mouth.... food wise that is

    As I need to watch my gluten intake, I decided to limit my carbs as well....eating less is so much easier than exercising.
    I have been a very good girl these past four weeks and I think I have achieved my target of losing 3 kilos, however I have this fear somewhere in the pit of my stomach that the weighing scale is faulty.

    I cannot believe that  the change from 63 to 60 kilos happened within a week......

    While I want to believe,  that stupid voice in my head says " are you fucking mad...of course the machine is faulty"
    so son no 2 and I had a discussion this morning
    Yes, son and I are paranoid about putting on too much weight and we weigh ourselves every morning...but we do eat healthy regular meals and chocolate is part of it...



    Stay tuned to find out if the machine was fucked up or I actually have lost more weight......



    Wednesday, 16 September 2015

    Decision made

    So I made my decision.....where work is concerned

    I gave in my notice last week and I start my new job on the 1st of November.

    I wont have any time off in between jobs but then I will be taking the whole of december off and will be in London to nurse/look after/feed my sister, who will be having foot reconstruction surgery on her left foot.

    Its less money, but I will be working a 4 day week, time to slow down and take time to do things for me, myself and I.

    I had to go back in my mind and figure out why I left the old company in the first place....ego, my ego was rather large and formidable.  Am happy to say it has been tamed and told to behave.  I have no illusions of grandeur anymore, no wish to advance my career, I just want to slow down and be able to travel and take time off to see and do the things I want to do before I get too old and doddery.

    its semi retirement, handing over the reins to the son, so he will have to dig into his pockets and actually start contributing to the household bills....

    Another new chapter.....


    Tuesday, 1 September 2015

    flip a life coin

    I have never been good at choices

    I screwed up my whole life by making all the wrong choices, or letting people make the choices for me.....well in a way I  made the choice to let them make the choices so in some crazy way,  I made the bad choices....if that makes sense?

    Anyway

    One would think that as I age I would get better at this.... but nope, I am still making bad choices...

    I work in a very volatile industry and market conditions  dictate the budgets that companies spend on events...if they don't spend, we don't get work. With so much happening in China, the rest of Asia will feel the impact which translates to a slowing economy. How will this affect me and my choices, I was offered a job recently, to go back to a company I worked for from 2001 to 2010.
    so knowing there might be a slow down looming, is it wise to move?

    Lets call the company I am in now...Company A
    stay where I am and enjoy the 'protection' of a company that is a global player - even though I feel like I am swimming in shark infested waters.....and with a slowing down in the economy is my job safe here?


    Lets call the Old place...Company B
    go back to the old company that doesnt have the global shield, but still works very much like a local company, hence employee benefits suck..work a 4 day week for less money and where I know the work and still like alot of people there. Again if the economy slowed and work dried up,will they fire me...last in first out....

    Company B have been talking to me for about 4 weeks and things moved pretty quickly at first,  then when it was time for them to send me a contract, they dragged their feet and it pissed me off.....It takes 5 mins to  change a few things on a contract template.   If I had not sent a message to them to say thank you but no thanks as no contract, I wonder if I would have got the contract....

    I was almost certain that I would leave Company A for B, but their procrastination gave me food for thought. If they still couldn't  get their act together, to send me a template contract, did I really want to go back?  Am I worrying too much?




    what is a woman to do....flip a coin?

    Tuesday, 25 August 2015

    Howling at the moon

    Things have been a  bit up and down lately.

    Getting  older isnt much fun,thinking about retirement, creaking bones, wrinkles, singlehood and white hair......
    There are days I want to find an open field ( impossible in our crowded city), lie down and just stare at the sky and when darkness falls, sit up and howl at the moon.

    Then there are days when I relish singlehood, being alone and the wrinkles and the white hair.....

    Must be the meds...........