Thursday, 24 January 2013

let the healing begin

I haven't had the heart to write or post anything lately, its been a pretty depressing week and more.
 It didn't help that I watched two movies that depressed me even further.
 I know Amour won best foreign film at the globes recently but fuck me what a depressing movie.  Anyone who thinks its going to be a love story about an old couple, shouldn't go watch it. Its far from it. Its a tough movie to watch.  its about getting old and dying and feeling helpless and being alone.  After Les Miserables the week earlier, which  made me so depressed, fuck knows why I went to watch this one!

I know the depression is coming, all the signs are there.  I also quit my job yesterday.  This wasn't because of the impending dark cloud, but its something that I was planning for a while.  I am bored, not motivated, lack focus, no fucking interest in anything.  So its time to move.  But first I need time away, time to heal.

I didn't realise how hard it has been walking away from A.  The depression does have something to do with the break up and it also has alot to do with me not being able to cope with my daily existence.  I am questioning my very existence as well.
Oh and  I actually went back and practically begged him to think again about meeting halfway in our attempt of a relationship.  But if a man isn't interested, he isn't interested.  Its been hard trying to get that through my thick skull!

I don't want to jump back into a relationship with another man but I do want to date.
I know thats sort of confusing but I like the attention men pay me, the ego does feel better (its been through the fucking wringer lately) and if that helps me to heal, then that is what I will do.  Date as many one date wonders and enjoy the attention.

Will I find another one like A, who connected with me on so many levels, who made me tingle and made my heart skip a beat every time I got a text from him? I don't know.  Right now I don't care.
What I do know is that I have to get away and be my own person for awhile.  To experience different places and people and perhaps one day I will find someone, but not right now.  Right now I need to heal and become whole again.

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