Saturday, 17 June 2017

restless ramblings

I am sure its not only me, I am sure we all have days when we wake up in the morning and wonder “what the hell am I doing with my life”
Those sort of days seem to be getting more frequent for me.

I wonder if this is it, is this all there is to life.  I am unhappy, I know that much, but I don’t know how or what to do to change it.
Its bullshit when people  say “if you want change you just have to take that first step”

There's more to it than that.  There are other things to consider.

Responsibilities that weigh heavily.

My mother for one, and son no 2.  I want to leave everything behind, sell my home and say fuck the responsibilities and I am off, but I cant do that.  I feel tied down, constricted.

My mother said to me she was glad that P and I didn’t work out, as she was afraid that I would leave and go off with P.  that did throw me a little,  that she was so selfish and actually wanted the relationship to fail.
My mother is a complex creature who has learnt the artful use of manipulation as a tool to manipulate us,  to feel guilty, when we don’t spend all our free time with her.  The perfect Indian mother.
There are days I resent her and I hate myself for it.

I am restless because I find myself wishing son no 2 would leave home, get married and start his own family and finally I can start living my own life.
But how can a mother want her child to leave the nest… and why do I feel that I cant live my life…Ah Yes, I want to sell my flat and go find another place to live, far away from all my responsibilities and that would mean son no 2 will have no home.  My mother did a good job, I am a guilt ridden female Indian adult child. the burden of responsibilities......

I am restless also because of A, because I will not tell him the truth of what I want for fear that he will no longer want to spend the little time he does spend with me should he know the truth.  He has put me in one little compartment of his life and I am confined to that one little box.  It is getting claustrophobic.
Its almost poetic, this feeling of not belonging and the lack of feeling of belonging. its almost poetic, when people end it all
Why do people top themselves… because they feel confined, boxed in, they see no other way out

There have been dark days when I think ending it all will free me but I haven't reached that final stage where it all seems hopeless.

I talk myself back into facing life, talk myself out of the deep abyss, crawl out of that dark hole and pretend that everything is alright and I am not restless, I do belong…until the next time the darkness descends

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