i am my own worst enemy

So date no 3 happened and again it was a good date.  We sat by the bay, had wine, chatted and took some night shots with my new camera.  However, Ice cream man is new to Singapore and he wants to see a bit of Asia while he is working here.  He wants to go away to one of the little islands off Malaysia's coast  for a weekend. and he asked me to go with him.

night view of the bay

so what do I do , I panic.  I jumped into manic overdrive and started thinking he wanted to push this to someplace I didn't want to go.....have sex with him.

Up to this point all the dates have been nice and friendly and we haven't kissed at all so him taking the direction of a weekend away made me think all he wanted was to go away to have sex.

He didn't.  We cleared it up over emails,  he understood that it was a big step to go away with someone, and while he did think I was sexy and adorable and did want to ravish me (his words) he was not ready for a commitment just yet as I was his first date off the website and his first date in 12 years.  So from panic mode I switched to "here we go again, another man wanting to keep options open"  but I realised he was right, we do need to date other people, and going away could be platonic. Couldn't it?

the big question I need to ask is why did I panic when I thought he wanted sex?  The thought of another man touching me kind of freaked me out, because I am not over A.  Do I continue to date or do I get over A first?  Which is proving hard to do as A and I are 'friends' and we are still in contact.  For me to move on I need to cut A out of my life completely which I cant do because a life without him is something I cant imagine.  Even if he just was my friend.  But being friends with A leaves me wanting more from him.....

On the other hand,  do I take what little A offers, sex and intimacy according to his rules, and find companions like Ice cream man to fulfil the other parts.  that way I get a bit of A and still have companions to travel and go out with.

The way I see it, I am not normal, and doubt I ever will  be normal where relationships are concerned.  I want the freedom to have my own life yet I want that special someone to be mine and do things with me which will include sex.  I don't want the normal domestic routine but I crave the normal companionship.  All I want is A to be that person but if I cant have him for the whole of the not so normal relationship will I be happy having him for one small part of it?  My head is a screwed up place!

Now you see why I am my own worst enemy...............