Between the times I told A to fuck off and leave me alone, I tried to date other men, One of them was P.
When I started going out with P I did see what relationships were supposed to be like, and it did scare me. P scared me with his intensity and I retreated, and when he found someone else, I thought I had lost him totally. But we did meet up again as friends and his friendship has been invaluable.
I believe I carried on with A because I thought both men were giving me a little of what I wanted. It doesnt work that way does it. When one half is taken away you realise that the other half is woefully inadequate.
Sex once a month or less, hardly any contact, hardly any conversations, hardly anything. When son no 2 went into hospital, I really needed someone to be there for me, and A didnt want to be that person, why should he, he wasnt a boyfriend or partner, all we had was an arrangement, nothing else.
Well I dont want an arrangement, I want to grow old with someone, I want a companion and partner for my remaining days on this earth. Someone who makes me a priority, someone who isnt afraid to walk with me.