that old devil called love

'Love"

What is it exactly?
How do we know what we feel for someone is love?
How do we know its not an obsession, lust or just something we want to feel, so we make it up along the way.
Have I ever been in love?  I don't know....

In our youth we had crushes on the opposite sex, we wait at the bus stop after school and let all the buses go by until we see that one guy that makes us all tingly inside, but he never looks at you, just past you... Story of my life actually but I had a few crushes while growing up, making moony eyes at the young boys I thought I was in love with.  or was it love?

Then you think you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, or in my case it was a matter of oh well why not, he loves me, he adores me, he will be there for me for ever.... until he becomes a bully and beats the shit out of me when he thinks I am not behaving...

so forever doesn't happen

I thought I was in love when i married my husband, then again when I met this guy 2 years after my divorce.. both it turns out were real duds... or probably I look for the duds and have an excuse to hide away and not have to feel anything for anyone...its easier.

Then I meet a man that seems to be the male equivalent of me... afraid to love again, prefers to keep the heart protected from any disturbance, not get involved because we don't want the drama and I wish I could be different, I wish I could admit what I feel but I am afraid that he doesn't feel the same...
The fear of rejection and the fear of not having the feelings reciprocated are making me keep mum about my feelings for him.

So I drift along in my life, avoiding that old devil called love....