I didn't say no

 Go for a walk

Take deep breaths

Relax

Well meaning words from family when I talk of my anxiety  levels.  For someone who hasn't experienced an anxiety attack, words come easy, but it's far from easy.

I have been suffering from anxiety attacks, hopelessness, thoughts of suicide for sometime now, and took the step to seek help more than a year ago, all pre covid.

I was told I was depressed... no shit!  Medication helped numb me, I was comfortably numb for a year and a bit which frightened me even more.  With no money to spare, I had to seek help within our subsidised healthcare system which while adequate isn't up to par where mental health is concerned. It's always a different doctor you speak with, they keep banging on about mindfulness and pushing pills.  Their only concern is that you don't try to kill yourself on their watch. I weaned myself off the anti depressants by March 2020 and then we went into lockdown.

The lockdown was actually the best thing that happened to me.  It meant that we all worked from home and I could avoid the office and the manager that thought shouting, screaming and slamming files on the tables was an effective way to communicate. His bullying tactics of throwing tantrums when he didn't get his way took its toll.  I started losing faith in my own abilities and felt like control of my own life was slipping through my fingers. the constant reminder of getting older and that I was not worth paying what I thought I was worth or to be able to take control of the job that I was hired to do, made me feel really worthless. It didnt help that my last job made me feel just as worthless.

Going back to the office now has been hard, the bullying has escalated.  Instead of being able to relax at home, which has always been my sanctuary, I allowed myself to say yes when an Uncle and Aunt asked to stay for a bit with me ( as I have a spare bedroom)

I wasn't told how long they intended to stay, so when they said 3 - 4 months on the day they arrived, I was a bit shell shocked.

I am not a social person, the constant talking, the invasion of my space has kept me up at night and its only day 4.  The disruption of my set routine has sent me down a spiral.  They want me to cook for them, easier they said....no it isn't!  I have said no but they aren't listening.  or maybe I have not clearly communicated my NO

I wanted to do the right thing for them, to let them share my space but I have been alone too long and the constant pressure to be present with them is slowly and surely giving me anxiety attacks. The noise in my head has increased two fold.

So I have to come clean which is making me even more anxious and ask them to find alternative accommodation, it will put a strain on relationships but I have to do this, for my own mental health.

I wonder how in hell did I end up here, descending into this abyss of fear and anxiety.... Oh wait, it's because  I didn't say no.

packing up a life

 There comes a time in life when you have to make a decision.

I find myself at a junction, turn one way and change my life forever

Turn the other way and things remain the same.

Son no 1 has asked if I would like to go live with them in Canada… for a few months and to see if I like it there and maybe move there permanently.  I am torn. I have one son here and one far away from me.  But I have spent the last 10 years looking after son no 2 and pushing him from the sidelines.  Son no 1 has been away, first in Hawaii, then in Canada since 2007.  Its time  for me to go spend some time with him, but I will miss son no 2.. Just like I miss son no 1 when I am here...

The next question is what to do with the accumulated possessions one acquires living in a home for the last 23 years. This is the first home I built for my children after the divorce. The first home I have paid for with literally blood, sweat and tears.

But with Singapore being so transient, the home I bought will devalue in a few years.. yes the expensive high rise buildings we produced en masse, for the low and middle income to be able to afford to own their own homes will eventually be worth nothing. The Housing Development Board started with the best of intentions, the powers that be lost the plot a bit when they let the prices soar and become unaffordable to the lower income.  

Anyway I digress

Whether I leave for Canada or stay here, I will have to sell my current home and downsize to something manageable.  The thing is whether to rent out my flat for now and get a bit of income or just sell and invest some of the money to give me an income.  

I have 23 years worth of stuff… bowls, candles, telephones ( I have 3 antique dial phones) books, photos, glassware, WTF do I do with the glassware I have collected… some are antiques, like the glassware from SIA of the 1970’s.   My dad’s old beer mugs… sentimental shit I want to keep..

I think I should stop listing the things down, I feel an anxiety attack coming on.

But you get the drift.. I have done it before, starting from scratch after the divorce, this time its happier circumstances, but its still about packing up my life.