I have been at this blog writing thing for a few years now and each year I check how many posts I do a year. 2017 was the worst, only 21 posts, each year they seem to be getting less and less and I am getting more miserable as time goes by, and not writing enough.
no wonder I am miserable, I am not writing enough!!
I quit my job last year and had one project to do, and was totally with nothing to do from the middle of November. I went off to Europe to catch up with P and have a good holiday.
To sort my head a bit and think about what I wanted.
I did go see P to see if he and I had any hope of having a relationship, but P didnt want a relationship and I wasnt sure about him. Its like if someone doesnt show any interest, you automatically revert to being friends, so P and I are just friends, good friends and I seriously enjoy his company.
I had stopped seeing A since June, I hadnt talked to him since then either. He texted a couple of times but I didnt reply. I did start talking to him when I got back home after the holiday. Not to go back to the way it was, I missed talking to him and I wanted to try to be friends.
Things did escalate to the point of him trying to persuade me to go back to where it was but I cant. He thinks intimacy can be achieved without sharing a life. I cant do that. He doesnt want the drama of living and being with a woman. He wants the peaceful balance to remain in his life, being with a woman will upset that. He isnt wrong in wanting that and I am not wrong in wanting a live in lover/friend/companion/partner. its a pity we both want different things and as he keeps reminding me, "you cant always get what you want"
So after 8 years of fighting, going back and forth and trying to do things his way, I am done.
I still will talk to him, still text but hopefully we can keep it as just friends and not revert to old habits of flirting etc.
so that leaves me wide open to go find someone..... am I up to it? Can I be bothered to start from scratch and trawl through online or tinder for a match?