Saturday 27 February 2016

Goodbye lunch at the refinery

By some cruel twist of fate I now work 2 bus stops away from P's office.
Why cruel you ask....

A few weeks ago, we met for lunch at a restaurant (the Refinery) across the road from his office.  I had not seen him since we shared a  a quick tea at Kings cross station on Christmas Eve.  He spent a long holiday away at home and then getting to know his new girl friend.

While having lunch I realised I had lost my friend. I realised I had lost the man that had been sweet, gentle, caring and decent, the man who made plans to see me as soon as he was back from any trip, the man who actually had wanted a relationship.
No man waits for ever.  No woman should either.

I naively expected P to be the 'friend' I could hang out with while I still pined away for A.

Deep down of course I knew it was a damn stupid thing to hope for, that things would not change, but they do.  I didn't want to hear about the wonderful time he had with her, or how his relationship was going.    He's a great guy and any woman would be stupid ( me) to let him go. But regret is a silly thing, not something to dwell on.  Would P and I have had a good relationship, I don't know.  We do sugar coat the good bits and forget the unsettling moments.
Or maybe at my age, I am too fussy or have no clue what I want...

I know I was selfish in that I wanted him to be there for me, to do all the things we had been doing over the last two years.  Selfish in that I liked that he wanted to be with me, to do things.  With this new woman in his life, that want would have waned considerably and I dont think I could have handled that.  So I told him, perhaps it would be best if we didn't meet up anymore.
I didn't want to listen to how great things were for him.  I am a horrible friend.

Why does it have to be so complicated.......

Saturday 20 February 2016

what would Freud say

in 2013 while in the UK and pottering around an antiques barn I found Agatha.
silent Agatha

Agatha is a candlestick phone circa 1890 - 1940, and she has brought a certain je ne sais quoi to my living room.  She sits quietly in the corner unable to speak as she hasn't worked in awhile.

A week ago I found Clara, a beautiful 1930 - 1950 Bakelite phone.  Its like all my Christmases have come at once... and the best thing is that Clara works!
although son no 2 thinks that while aesthetically pleasing, functionality is zero..
I have plugged her in and have been using her for the last few days.  Her ring is loud, clear and quite musical.  I can hear the caller but on the other end, the caller cant quite hear me that well.  My sister said I sounded like I was calling from a tunnel.

Clara the chatterbox



the best part is that I also found someone who can repair old phones, so Agatha may just find her voice again....

I wonder though what collecting old phones says about me ...a need for communication perhaps...
and the fact that I name the phones....

Sunday 14 February 2016

where do I go now

Now that I am single and free and determined to put A out of my mind, I dont know where to start.

Do I embrace another round of dating online?  lets face it, at 53 I am not exactly a great catch for the older men, who want to date women 20 years their junior.  Do I go younger.....A was 4 years younger, P a year younger.... see the trend....
Reading all the online dating advice for older women, which is really telling us that there isnt much out there for us to date, and to make it more challenging, I am a minority in my own country and I dont get on with most of the Asian men here....
Its a wonder I havent crawled into a hole and put out a white flag in front of my cave and surrender to a life of loneliness......heck I might as well just go get a dozen cats and let my greys show and dress like a hobo.

There are days when I have felt  that love has passed me by and I will never find someone to love me back,   But I am a romantic,  deep down, past all the cynical demeanour, I still think I will find someone.   I have a full life, but its a little empty, if that makes sense, and I want to share things with a special someone.  There are moments in life where you want to turn to a significant other and share a joke, a silly encounter or just a knowing look.

So its wait and see for a bit....and maybe when I am feeling a little more positive, I may drift into the murky depths of online dating.. who knows.  Its a bit scary and I am totally unsure where I am going to end up, but I know I dont want to be alone, so perhaps one step at a time, slowly, into a new era of finding the one...